
■*>4 



*! 



1^ 

H 



LIBIURY OF CONGRESS. 






t UNITED STATK8 OF AMERICA.'! 



THE 

PLEASURES 

OF 

HUMAN LIFE 

INVESTIGATED CHEERFULLY, 

ELUCIDATED SATIRICALLY, 

PROMULGATED EXPLICITLY, and 

DISCUSSED PHILOSOPHICALLY. 

IN 

A DOZEN DISSERTATIONS 

ON 

MALE, FEMALE AJ^D NEUTER PLEASURES. 

INTERSPERSED WITH VARIOUS 

ANECDOTES, 

AND EXPOUNDED BY NUMEROUS 

ANNOTATIONS. 
BY HILARIS BENEVOLUS, & CO. 

Fellows of tlie " London Literary Society of Lusorists.*' 

" Hence loatlied Melancholy," ") , , , 

,,,,., 1 . r , „ > MILTON. 

" Mirth admit me of thy crew. ' V 

" Be gone dull care." 

" Ride, si sapis." 

" How I love to laugh," ^ ^ DIBDIN, Jun. 

*' Never was a weeper.'' C 

*• Pray let me laugli, good Sirs, I must, I will ; 

" Indeed my laughing muscles won't lie still." 



P. PINDAB. 



H 



BOSTON : 

PUBLISHED BY OLIVER & MUNROE, 78, STATE-STREET, 
AND JOSEPH GREENLEAF, 49, CORNHILL. 

1807. 



TRr^y.- 



'V 



A 

DEPRECATORY ADVERTISEMENT, 



The Editor,* to whom the various ma- 
nuscripts which produced this volume were 
entrusted, hereby respectfully informs its 
readers in general, and those in particular 
who are restlessly curious about anonymous 
and folly -flogging Satyrists, that all enquiry 
concerning the names, situations, characters? 
and conditions of the authors (for it is writ- 
ten by several) will be fruitless, ^'frivolousy 
and vexatious,^^ These terms are not em^ 
ployed or applied in the same vague sense, 
as when used by a Committee of the House 
of Commons : for they are hereby meant to 
assert, that all frivolous queries will be fruit- 
less in the result, and completely vexatious 
to the enquirer. Please to remember, good 
Mr. Inquisitor, tliat you have never ascer- 



* The Reader is referred to the end for a copious 

TABLE OF CONTENTS* 



IV 

tained the writer of Junius's letters, and that 
the author of the '* Pursuits of Literature'* 
is still snugly incog ; and I must now ap- 
prize you, that such a singular mode has 
been adopted in composing, mixing and ar- 
ranging the following materials, that neither 
the printer, nor the Devil (we mean his 
Devi!) knows by whom any particular part, 
or parts w^ere written; and, in many instan- 
ces, even the author of a particular page or 
pages will not be able to ascertain, or assert 
positively, how much of any dissertation 
was wa itten by himself. Thus guarded and 
enveloped, the Editor deprecates all attempts 
•$it identification ; and sincerely recommends 
those who fancy themselves aggrieved, to 
be silent and tranquil ; for the opposite con- 
duct will not only demonstrate their delin- 
quency, but will render them obnoxious to 
personal reprobation. The Editor is direct- 
ed by the Committee of " the London Lit- 
erary Society of Lusorists" to make these 
remarks, because he is assured, that some 
block /leads wdll be tantalizingly querulous 
and inqusitive ; an^il w ill also very sapiently 
implicate themselves, by adapting and ap- 



plying some particular passages to their 0W131 
hnportant persons. To these he observes, 
that the satyrical game-keeper, on the man- 
ors of Ignorance, Impudence, and Vice, will 
find ample employ for his fowling piece, in 

« Shooting Polly as it flies." 

And though he cannot hope to destroy al! 
the coveys and flocks of that numerous spe- 
cies of game, yet, if he can frighten them 
into cover ^ or keep them in a proper state of 
fearful subjection, he fully discharges his 
duty. 

The ignorant dolt and impudent knave 
are generally troubled with very sore and 
irritable consciences ; and, like the '' thief 
vjho fancies each bush an officer,'' so these 
are apt to consider that satire as personally 
applied to them, which equally attaches, and 
was generally directed, to their whole tribe. 
Should any restlessly unfortunate mortal of 
this description adapt either of the following 
fools- caps to his own silly noddle, he certain- 
ly has full privilege to wear it : but should 
be jingle the bells in society so as to annoy 

A 2 



VI 



file writer of this, or any members of the 
London Literary Society of Lusorists, he 
may expect to have a larger cap made for 
him hereafter, which will be adorned with 
more attractive colours, and a greater num- 
ber oi tell-tale bells. 



HUMOUR, WIT, AND SATIRE. 

There is no species of writing so much a 
victim to the reader's caprice, as that which 
contains, or professes to contain, one or all 
of the above ingredients. The standard 
seems so mutuable, and the dispositions and 
partialities of mankind are so infinitely va- 
rious, that the writer and reader are left with- 
out any other criterion than their own fan- 
cies : and hence arise the endless disputes 
about the essential requisites to constitute 
either humorous, witty, or satyrical writing. 
History, science, antiquities, voyages, and 
many other subjects of literary composi- 
tion, are addressed to a certain class of rea- 
ders 5 and these generally come to the ban- 
quet predisposed to be pleased and instruct- 



\il 

cd : they are also willing to concede a little 
to the writer, and grant him some indul- 
gence. But a lusorical work is destined to 
encounter a different fate ; for, like a lively 
comedy, though all the audience laugh at 
and applaud nearly the whole piece, yet the 
fastidious critics, and dull spectators, will 
chiefly direct their attention and observa- 
tions to the weakest or most objectionable 
passages. Thus a satirical work, like a 
witty play, though much read, and much 
talked about, will inevitably provoke the 
splenetic carpings of the snarling critic, and 
of the querimonious (i. e. strange, queer, 
odd, contemptible) reader ; each of whom, 
either endeavours systematically to nibble 
them to death, or hoot them from the stage 
of popularity. Ignorance, Arrogance, and 
Viciousness, are generally the most active 
agents, or rather principals in this pursuit ; 
because as these have rather tender consci- 
ences, and commonly pass through the busy 
walks of life with fear and /ox-like suspi- 
cion, they cannot bear the lash of satire, or 
even the tickling feathers of wit and hu- 
mour. While one inflicts on tliem a pub- 



VIU 

lie flogging, the others are employed to an- 
noint their backs with essence of reprehen- 
sion. 

Much more could be said on the province 
of Satire in general, and of that in particular 
which may be found in this litttle volume, 
but 

" A word to the wise is €?iough." 

H. Benevolus. 



IX 



EMBELLISHMENTS, 

In the present state of literature are es- 
sential ingredients in the composition of 
books ; because there are ma7iy persons who 
buy, and look at these merely to amuse the 
eye, — not to inform, or strengthen the mind. 
Willing to gratify this very laudable propen- 
sity and refined curiosity we have thought 
proper to adorn and illustrate^ this '* ele- 
ganf't and '' interesting" little volume with 



* The Insatiable, and imliscrimwatin^ tsl^c of ^^ lL» 
LusTRATiNG BooKs" prcvails to an alarming extent; 
and it is no uncommon thing for a true illustj-ating col' 
lector^ to mangle, or castrate a dozen elegant volumes 
to enrich^his own unique illustriited copy. The judi- 
cious admirer of elegant literature, has, however, tlie 
consolation to know that these illustrious v&terans sel- 
dom select any prints or works, that are either beautiful) 
or intrtinsically excellent ; but on the contrary, thpir 
" Grangers" their " Pennants" &c. are a sort oiiva^ite- 
books, where all kinds of engraved trash are chronologi- 
cally pasted down, — as some tradesmen preserve bills 
of parcels and receipts. 

t Generous reader, pray pardon this apparent arro- 
gance. Though we have employed these ostentatious^ 



a few of these eye-attr actors. Our embel- 
lishments are, however, very different to 
those in the generality of publications, for 
they are decidedly what they profess to be ; 
therefore, not calculated to impose on, or 
deceive the purchaser and spectator. It 
would be most pleasant, could we say this of 
many other *' elegant works," but it is la- 
mentably the reverse : for there are many 
designing men, unfortunately calling them^ 
selves artists, who, like some methodist 
preachers, pay little regard to their text, 
though they religiously adhere to that part 
of the Mosaic law, which says> or implies, 
'' thou shalt not imitate any thing in the hea- 
vens above," (this, however, we VvuU defy- 
even Mr. Fuseli, or his successful pupil and 



terms, they are merely cofiied from some eminent " booi 
manufactures^** and we do not wish you to believe one 
word either odours or theirs, that implies, self-praise.'—' 
Be assured, sir, that wherever a book, or bookseller, is 
reduced to this degraded state, there must be a lack 
of merit or of honest modesty. 



advocate, Mr* Blake,^ to do) " on the earth 
beneath, or in the waters under the earth." — 
Thus prohibited from copying created na- 
ture, some of these, print designers have a 
fair plea for substituting their own creations 
of fancy : and as these have no natural pro- 
totype, they baffle all criticism. Hence, some 
designs are called historical, and according 
to the boastful remarks of the drawer, are 
inimitable illustrations of the subject; by 
the same system, many Topographical and 



• The former sublime artist exhibited a very extra* 
ordinary picture last year : and the editor of the Som- 
erset-house catalouge, (which is certainly one of the 
^orst firinted, and worst written fiamphlets of the present 
vejined age) unluckily misnaincd it " Count Vgolino." 
The immortal and justly esteemed Sir Joshua, having 
painted a very interesting, and apposite picture of this 
subject, some diurnal critic, thought proper to compare 
the two performances, and was rather hard upon the 
late professor. Thus circumstanced, Mr. Blake couch- 
ed his lance, and in the true quixotic style, attacked 
his and Mr. F*s annonymous adversary. An account 
of this recontre may be seen in the Monthly Magazine ; 
where the said Mr. B. endeavours to prove that the 
picture by Mr. F. is not only superior to that ofr Sir 
Joshua, but is, indeed, sup-erlatively excelletit ! ! I 






Antiquarian prints, are said to represent 
identical places, and things ; and certain 
Portraits are asserted to be fliithful, correct, 
m\d vigorous liktntsscs of some great per- 
sons whose names are attached to them : 
Whereas, an impartial, and discriminating 
eye, looks in vain for any thing like accuracy ^ 
truth, or nature in these performances, and 
where such indispensable qualities are want- 
ing, the man of true taste, and undaunted 
candour, declares that such designs are 
worse than useless; — they are deceptively 
injurious. Indeed, gentlemen, Desigfiers, 
Engravers and Publishers, these things 
^' cry aloud" for reformation ! ! 

As for our own " elegant embellishments" 
they are not intended to misrepresent — any 
thing, — no, not even our own intentions ; 
for as we are determined to be unequivocal- 
ly candid, we declare that the designs were 
made from Art, not from Nature ; — and if 
you, Mr. Reader, are caught by these eye- 
trapSy so much the better. 

Permit us to explain ; our double title 
>has certainly some novelty to recommend it ; 



xm 

and to find out tliis, in the present ransack- 
ed state of book-making, is no very easy 
task. In that on the dexter side, we hail 
both friends, foes, and strangers, with 2ismil» 
ing countenance,^ ?ind however any of these 
grave personages may frown, fret^ or criti- 
cise, we are determined not to unbend one 
risible muscle ; indeed, should all the artille- 
ry of all the literary masked batteries, yclept, 
reviews, be fired on us at once, we are firm- 
ly resolved to preserve the same good-hu- 
moured, cheerful countenance. This De^ 
mo-critus-sort of philosophy, is partly innate 
with us, partly acquired : and having long 
experienced its enlhen'nig and in'uigorating 
power, we strongly recommend it to the 
study of the Testy, the Miserable, the Fret- 
ful, and the Fidgity families of Great 
Britian. For, 

« Life's a jest and all things shew it, 
We thought so once, but now we kno'O) it." 



* We are indebted to the ingenious Mr. Cha. Bell, 
for permission to copy this exquisitely laughable head, 
from his recent interesting work, " The Jnatomy of 
Ex/i7'essioJi" 

B 



XIV 

It was the invariable custom of the gen- 
tleman, whose face is represented in our title- 
page, to laugh at all those incidents, and oc- 
currences in life, which the Testys and the 
Sensitives call '' Miseries. ^^ To him they 
were themes of merriment, and thus dispos- 
ed, he passed through the world, with ease 
to himself, and pleasantry to his intimate 
friends. If persons forced upon his ear, 
'' Tales of Terror,''—'' Tales of Wonder,''' 
— '* Sonnets to Sorrow," — or ** Panegy ricks 
en Solitude," he would jocularly exclaim in 
the lines of Peter Pindar, 

*' Pray let me laugk^ good sirs ; I must, I will- 
Indeed, my laughing muscles won't lie still : 
Unpolish'd in the supple schools of France, 
I cannot burst, to pleasure comfilisance. 
Care to our coffin, adds a nail, no doubt ; 
And every grin, so merry, draws one out : 

I own, Hike to laugh, and hate to sigh ; 
And think that risibility was given 
For human happiness, by gracious Heav'n, 

And that we came not into life to cry, 
To wear long faces, just as if our maker, 
The God of Goodness, was an undertaker. 
Well pleas'd to wrap the souFs unlucky mein 
In sorro'!v*Ji dis?nal crape, or bombasin," 



XV 

Yet there are persons of this dismal cast, 
as many can testify ; for the growlers and 
groaners generally exert, and employ their 
amusing talents, in diverting their neigh- 
bours and friends. To shew how engaging- 
ly lovely y their faces would appear on paper, 
we directed our minature painter, (who is 
not one of the designing artists) to take an 
accurate portrait of one of them from na- 
ture. This he punctually and satisfactorily 
performed, but so curdlingly sour was the 
countenance, we thought it most advisea- 
ble, to place it topsy turvy ; that it might 
not stare any person in the face, but he who 
look'd for it. It was drawn with bat's 
wings, and near an eclips'd moon, as a new 
design for the Opera house, or Sadler's wells, 
whenever either of these intend to represent 

" The Apotheosis of ihe Miserable." 

As Great Britain, and we suppose some 
other countries, are infested with many of 
these ill-looking buzzing drones, it would 
be well if all nations v/ould agree upon one 
point ; (without fighting for it) that of trans- 
porting them to a region, far remote from civ- 



XVI 



€(1 society : and, according to the descrip* 
tions of the much r^/^OTu;/^ J Munchausen, 
there is no place among all the planets more 
calculated for such deplorable patients than 
the moon. That veracious traveller describes 
the Lunarians to be a set of people, vrho 
walk about with their heads under their arms ; 
and this mode will be particularly adapted 
to our dismals^ because their faces will be 
much better in that situation, than whem 
placed on their shoulders. 



HILARIS BENEVOLUS, & Co. 

To the Literary Public^ Greeting. 
[OFFICIAL NOTICE.] 

MIDDLESEX TO WIT.* WHEREAS 
We the undersigned have of our own free 
iviIl-\ and consent, formed ourselves mto a 
duly organized body, society, club, or instil 
tutiofijX and have associated and united our 



• Though this may be deemed middling wit, yet the 
most fastidious critic cannot disaprove, that it has some 
ivii in it, and therefore commencing thus ivittHij in 
wordy it is hoped that we may end witty indeed. In a 
subsequent part, we shall prove that the language of 
tlie law abounds with wit. 

t As Man may impeach his " free agency," unless he 
thus declares his sentiments, our St)Iicitor informs us 
the above phraseology is absolutely necessary, 

\ Though the profound Mrs. Piozzi, and the equally 
erudite Doctor John Trusler, have written very scientifi- 
cally and shrewdly on synonomy, yet they have left the 
above terms, with many more, in sublime obscurity. 
The law, however, acts cautiously on these doubtfi.l 
potnts, and, like a garrulous gossip, takes care to have a 
sufficient number of words to explain its meaning : a law 
to enforce brevity, would certainly kill tlic one and ruin 
the other. Perry's <' Synonimous,, Etymo'cr^ical, and 
Pronouncing Dictionary," has lately been introduced to. 
our society, and afforded much satisfaction on thess 
and other similar points. 
B 2 



2 PLEASUTKS OF HUMAN LIFE, 

selves into a body corporate, for the avowed 
and ostensible purpose of examining, can- 
vessing, and discussing the most noted and 
popular acts, deeds, and things, done, per- 
formed and committed in the British Me- 
tropolis. Every branch of Literature, the 
Fine Arts, and tlie Sciences, will demand our 
first, or primary consideration, and will con- 
stitute the leading subjects of our delibera- 
tions and discussions. Public Amusements, 
Fashionable Propensities, and all events of 
Notoriety will occasionally be canvassed and 
investigated. In furtherance of our views, 
we have thought it necessary, by and with 
the advice of council, to sketch out a plan of 
a Constitution, and adopt a feiv^ rules for 
the regulation of our establishment. 



* On this subject,, we had a long smd warm dispute with 
the solicitoi%who contended,argued,and indeed almost in* 
sisted, that numerous rules were absolutely and positively 
necessary. He referred to, and quoted a long string o£ 
precedents^ and even adduced the authority of the British 
Parliament : which, he observed, could scarcely move 
or act without precedent. To tl^ese objections our 
Chairman candidly replied, tliat honesty and sincerity did 
not require even written laws, much less preceding au- 
thority, to enforce them to their duty : and that concise 
simplicity was preferable to protracted ambiguity.. 



\r/ 



TAUTOLOGY RIDICULED, 3 

These we intend to publish with the first 
vohime of our Transactions (Uke the ** Lite- 



Besides, he observed, that whenever man became en- 
tangled with a large, loose net of laws, he could not ea- 
sily disengage himself without breaking some of the 
meshes ! I ! 

Among numerous examples of official tautology, and 
circumlocutory phraseology, the following, from the 
newspapers, was adduced as a case in point, in which 
brevity, pers^jicuity, and simplicity, are happily blended : 

" City, Borough, and Town of Westminster, in the 
County of Middlesex. — Notice.is hereby given, that the 
Grand Jury for the said City and Liberty of Westmins- 
ter did at the General Quarter Session of the Peace of 
©L;r Lord the King, holden at the Guildhall, in King- 
street, Westminster, in and for the Liberty of the Dean 
and Chapter of the Collegiate Church of St. Peter, West- 
minster, the City, Borough, and Town of Westminster, 
in the County of Middlesex, and St. Martin's le grand, 
London, on Thursday, the 26lh day of June, m the 45th 
year of the reign of our Sovereign Lord, George the 
Third, by the Grace of God, of Great Britain and Ire- 
land, King, Defender of the Faith, present the Gaol for 
the said City and Liberty, situate in Tothill-fields, for 
the Insufficiency and Inconveniency thereof; and that it 
is the intention of his Majesty's Justices of the Peace 
for the said City and Liberty, to take the same into 
consideration at the next General Quarter Session of the 
Peace, to be holden for the said City and Liberty ,at the 
GuildhalUforesaid. By the Court, T— W.— V. 

«' Clerk of the Peace.'^ 



4 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

rary and Philosophical Society of Manches- 
ter," and some other learned institutions); 
but, after mature deliberation, it was voted 
that this measure should be pastponed till a. 
future opportunity. 

Given under our hands and seals^ 
this first day of January^ in 
the year of our Lord one t how- 
sand eight hundred and seven, 

HILAUrS BENEVOLUS, I). C. C. 
SIMON SPECIFIC, M. M. D. 
DAVID DEMURREK, L. L. D. 
PROFESSOR PL A YF AIR, F. A. S. 
CHRIS rOPIIER CHEERFUL, P. M. P. 
PHILO DRAMAIICUS, F. T. 1. 
LUCINDA LIBERAL. 
CAROLINE CANDH). 
JOHANNES IRONICUS. 
AMELIA LIVELY. 
SAMUIiL SARCASM. 

P. S. For reasons which we hope every intelligent 
lady will appiove, we have admitted a few of that sex 
into our society : and are cxperimenlally convinced, 
that the company of the virtuous, cheerful, and enlight- 
ened female, is not only necessary to render society in- 
teresting, but that it tends to polish, vivify, delight, and 
improve the mental and corporeal constitution of man. 
" Oh, woman ! lovely woman ! Nature made you 
To temper man ; we had been brutes without you."^ 

Ohi'ay^s Fen. Pres^ 



INSTITUTIONS, StC. B 

Such is the official notice of a newly es» 
tablished society^ the title and purport of 
which may awaken curiosity in some minds. 
In addition to what has already been announ- 
ced on this head, we shall briefly observe, 
that 

A few individuals, who are particularly 
attached to literature, the fine arts, the sci- 
ences, 8cc. have occasionally associated, for 
the express purpose of interchanging opin- 
ions on, and freely discussing, these sub- 
jects. Though we have not yet obtained a 
charter of incorporation, like the Royal and 
London Institutions^ &c. nor are nationally 
provided with premises, like the Royal and 
Antiquarian Societies^ and though we have 
not erected a repository, library-rooms, &c. 
like the Society for the Encouragement of 
Arts in London, the Athenseum at Liver- 
pool, the Portico,* at Manchester, &c. yet 
we have all these, and much greater objects 

• Courteous and sagacious reader, could you even 
conjecture that by this appellation the Gothamites of 
Manchester m^an to designate a handsome and spacious 
building appropriated to a news-room, book-room, 8cc.? 



6 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

in contcmplatlotj. But, as great undertakings 
must have a certain length of time for their 
accomplishment, we shall ftrst send forth a 
few lucubrations, and thereby endeavour to 
ascertain the momentum of the public 
pulse:* if this indicates strong symptoms 
of curiosity or agitation, then a few of our 
grajid plans shall be hereafter properly an- 
nounced, and candidly submitted to public 
inspection. 

Our weekly meetings have hitherto been 
held at each other's habitations successive- 
ly : and associating to please and improve 
ourselves, we have always found the time 
usefully and agreeably occupied. All the 
novelties of the intervening week are pro- 
gressively brought under review, registered 
in the minute book, and fairly and impartially 
canvessed. Those of a useful or interesting 
nature, are particularly recorded in the jour- 



* Many mag-nanimous scheme? have failed from the 
unbridled eagerness of the projectors. We could par- 
ticularize several ; but the recent " yJnnuity Pian" will 
exemplify our remark, and ought to serve as a beacon 
to other adventurers in the same seas. 



?LAN or LONDON LIT.SOC.OF LUSORISTS. 7 

nal, and the president inscribes his opinion 
of them with red ink. The various grada- 
tions from those, to such as are intolerably 
bad, are specified in letters, and with col- 
ours of graduated sizes and tints calculated 
to define the relative character of each. Thus, 
by the end of the year 1807, we may have 
a copious, definite, and specific 

" Annual Register of e*oery public Specits 
of Notoriety, ^^ 

Every member is to produce, in rotation, 
a dissertation, dialogue, poem, or some 
other literary essay, which is to be read on 
each meeting night : and a selection from 
these is occasionally to be published. 

In conformity to this article, we now sub- 
mit the first volume of our lucubrations to 
the decision of a discerning^ public ; but 
shall certainly never trouble it with a se- 
cond, unless this be fully approved. The 
origin of the present will be explained in 

The First Report of Dr. Specific. 

* Gentle reader, please to remember that you are in- 
cluded in this class. 



8 PLEAIURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

** In compliance with the unanimous re 
quest of our society, I now lay before its 
members a few observations on the epidemia 
which has lately prevailed in our metropolis, 
and which has threatened to annihilate all 
the pleasantries of life. 

*' When a tnental or corporeal disorder 
becomes epidemical, it is high time to seek 
for an antidote to check its disseminating 
influence. Some of our very cunning an- 
cestors resorted, in this case, to a charm^ or 
an abacus logisticusJ^ As the body politic, 
the body corporate, and corporeal- body are 
all alike subject to influenza, the state phy- 
sician and medical professor should endeav- 
our to check the first approaches of conta- 
gion. If human life be attacked by miseries^ 
(the most desperate and perplexing of all 
disorders), the patient is rendered indiffer* 
ent about existence ; or drags through life, 
a galling chain of wo. The disorder now 
under consideration, I find has spread to a 
considerable extent ; and was prevalent at 
many of the fashionable bathing places last 
autumn, ^nd in most populous cities. . 



* Sec Cyclopaedia, &:c. 



REPORT OF DR. SPECIFIC. V 

*' Though denominated " Miseries,^ ^ its 
symptoms were not of a very serious^ or me- 
lancholy appearance ; but rather the reverse, 
as many patients were affected by smiles, 
*' Broad Grins," titterings, and horse-laugh- 
ter. These effects seem to have originated 
from sympathy ; and were contagious by 
inquiry, broad hints, and direct recommen- 
dation. In examining two or three patients, 
I was partly affected myself; but a few se- 
dative drafts, and a little opium, restored 
me. These, with a dram of spirit of harts- 
horn, and quantum sufficit of lavender drops, 
will be found generally efficacious in the 
first stages of this disorder : but perhaps 
the only radical cure, or preservative will be 
found in a mixture of equal quantities of 
philosophy, cheerfulness, good sense, and 
active wisdom. 

" Simon Specific, m.m.d." 

The above report being read from the 
chair, produced a desultory conversation,* 



♦ In such leamed and scientific institutions as « the 
Royal^'* " the Londony" " the Society o^ jfrts" and severaj 
other grcai assemblages of philo's, the members very 



10 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

in the course of which Carelinc Candid re- 
marked, *' that the novelty alluded to, like 
all popular subjects, provoked a good deal 
of envy and imitation, and was generally 
spoken of with unqualified praise or cen- 
sure. She therefore begged leave to propose 
a motion, the object of which, she observed, 
was to obviate any appearance of rivalship to 
the " Miseries of Human Life," and to 
make '' the Pleasures," &c. an original and 
independent work : at the same time, as the 
title of our transactions has been sanctioned 
by a committee, I will not, she observed, 
oppose that in the present instance. 

* ' As the book already referred to displays 
a considerable share of genius, originality, 
and learning ; and as several thousands of 
his Majesty's liege subjects have read it with 
avidity, praised it with sincerity, laughed at 
it with downright good will, and descanted 
on parts of it with visible cheerfulness. I 

frequently start from the precise subject under discus- 
sion; and,from excess ofzeal,and an ea^er desire toexpe- 
dite business, and save time, four or five will freely offer 
their opinions at the same moment. If this be not mul- 
ium inparvoy it is generally found to be parvum in multo^ 



POPULAR DEDICATIONS. 11 

recommend, ' that it shall be classed among 
our permanent books, and that an official 
letter be addressed to the ingenious author 
to join our institution." 

This motion being seconded by Lucinda 
Liberal, it was carried nem, con. The pre- 
sident then recommended Professor Playfair 
to draw up a dedication, to be read at the 
next meeting. 

In choosing a proper dedicatee, or patron, 
to our philosophical lucubrations, we wxre 
involved in some difficulty ; for Mr. Sarcasm 
observed, to flatter a great name would be 
such common-place stuflP, that no one would 
read it but the individual to whom it was 
addressed. '* Dedicate it," said one of our 
members, "to the * War Emperor^'' or to 
* Old Nick^^^ or to some other equally- 
notorious and equally belomed character." 
*' Inscribe it," said another, to the ''droops 
ing Volunteers ^^ to the ' rising Income-tax^'* 
to the ' British iair,^ to the * Si^ohi Spirit 

* A genlcman, of very considerable learning, wit, 
and talent, has assumed this signature, and, with pe- 
culiar felicity, has attacked and exposed many populac 
follies and vices. 



12 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

of Wavy"* to the * dejected Spirit of Peace* 
and it may rouse the curiosity of mankind, 
and create a brisk sale for the work." " Gen- 
tlemen," remarked Play fair, '* I shall look 
for a better patron than any yet mentioned, 
and trust that my choice will not impeach 
my sagacity, or deprecate my judgment." 

The absurdity of Dedications, in general, 
is pointed out in the Spectator, Vol. III. 
and the abuse of them in the Guardian, Vol. 
II. In the latter work there is some account 
of an author's dedicating his work to himself 
The great colossal critic, Dr. Johnson, whose 
figure is so fneiy caricatured in St. PauF's : 
speaking of Dedications, observes — 

*' A man conspicuous in a high station, 
who multiplies hopes that he may multiply 
dependants, may be considered as a beast 
of prey . ' ' — Idler. 

" To solicit patronage is, at least in the 
event, to set vhtue to sale. None can be 
pleased without praise, and Jew can be 
praised without falsehood ; few can be as- 
siduous without servility, and none can be 
servile without corruption." — Rambler. 



( 13 ) 

DEDICATION, 



TO THE 

RESPECTABLE 

BOOKSELLERS AXD PUBLISHERS 

OF 

GREAT BRITAIN, 

Gentlemen, 
We do not intend to flatter you, nor can 
we condescend to praise you for merits, 
talents, and virtues you do not possess. 
This pitiful task is left to dabblers in romance^ 
to visionary sonnetteers, or those who humb- 
ly glean from them. Some of these gentle- 
men can easily scribble a panegyric ; indeed, 
can reconcile their minds to flatter any thing' 
By coming accidently in contact with no- 
bility, they will not think it dishonouring 
literature, to barter adulation for money, 
and sacrifice principle to interest. Too proud 
for such practices, we select jy^w as patrons ; 
and viewing you as equals, can freely con- 
verse with you uncontrouled by fear, or by 

hope, Unbribed and uninfluenced, we are 
C 2 



14 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

determined to vindicate respectability, and 
chastise ignorant and illiberal arrogance. 
Whilst the former reflects a dignified hon- 
our on any profession, the latter often at- 
taches discredit to a whole class. The mass 
of mankind seldom discriminates ; and be- 
cause some '* scabby sheep," have audaci- 
ously forced themselves into your ^^ Jlock^^'' 
the illiberal have reprobated the whole. It 
is one of the fundamental laws of our society 
to exercise discrimination and discretion ; to 
seperate the good from the bad^ and analyze 
the ijidifferent. In pursuance of such rule, 
we address this work exclusively to respecta- 
ble booksellers and publishers, and shall 
gladly hail the sneers, frowns, and abuse of 
tliose not included in the above class.* Be- 
sides we have established a plan, calculated 
to detect and expose all that are not herein 
included. For as pettifoggers and quacks 
are the very refuse of the law and physic — 
indeed, the very dreggs or driiggs; so are 
there similar beings in the profession of pub- 



* The praise of fools, is censure in disguise, 
Kepi'oof from knuvcs, is flatt'ry to the wise. 



PUBLISHERS, THE PATRONS OF LIT. 15 

lishers. These are the animals we exclude, 
and these are the drones which '* the Lon- 
don Literary Society of Lusorists,^^ are de- 
termined to hunt from the '^/lowers of lite- 
rature y^^ and deprive of that honey which 
exclusively belongs to the true " bee-hive,^^ 
We now proceed to assign our reasons for 
choosing your patronage. It is indulging 
one of the pleasures of human life^ to prove 
that you are the real Mecsenases of the pre- 
sent age. You have rewarded, and contin- 
ue to reward, the literary adventurer, in pro- 
portion to his real stock of talent ; and you 
ultimately exalt true genius to its dignified 
and proper level. But for your judicious 
management, the elegant and erudite writ- 
ings of a Gibbon, a Hume, a Locke, and a 
Newton, had been buried in obscurity, or 
confined to a single edition. One of the 
great causes of the present literary refine- 
ment, arises from the multiplication of edi- 
tions and copies of useful and valuable 
works. Some idle loungers may, however, 
sneer at the shop ; but let them recollect, 
that had Otway, Savage, Chatter ton, and 
Dermody, known how to \vdi\tused, without 
abusingy this shop, we never should iiave 



16 PLEASURES OF HITMAN LIFIT. 

heard of their miserable lives, and melancho- 
ly deaths. 

That princes and nobles have sometimes 
patronized literature and the arts, is ex- 
tremely probable : and indeed the numerous 
fulsome dedications to these *' grandees," 
seem to imply that they have been supreme- 
ly liberal. We will not pretend to deny it ; 
but shall only observe, that as elegant 
LITERATURE, and DIGNIFIED ART, are a- 
mongst the brightest jewels in the diadem of 
a kingdom, they claim the protection of 
those who receive their greatest lustre re- 
flected from the crowix. When an author 
has attained celebrity, he is then counten- 
anced by the great ; and, as Dr. Johnson 
observes, '' when he is knonjuTiy and does not 
ivant^^ patronage, then he will readily ob- 
tain it. '* ApatroUj^'' said the same energetic 
writer, in his letter to Lord Chesterfield, 
** is one who sees you struggling in the wa- 
ter, without endeavouring to assist you, but 
when you reach the ground, encumbers you 
with help." 

From this general charge of neglect, there 



MOCK MECiENASES^ 17 

are some benevolent and intelligent spirits 
among monarchs and nobles, who are fairly 
entitled to exemption. Dr. Johnson and the 
late Mr. Sheridan, were both pensioned by 
his present Majesty ; and Dermody,* with 
some others, have found a benevolent bene- 
factor in the Earl of Moira. But these rare 
instances of liberality are not sufficient to 
screen from just contempt such mock Mec- 
aenases as Lord Chesterfield, Horace Wal- 

pole,my Lord ,the Hon. Mr. , 

&c. who claim the homage due to the pat- 
rons of literature, without manifesting that 
ingenuous liberality of conduct towards the 
sons and daughters of learning, as fairly en- 
title them to this honourable distinction. 



* This wild, indiscreet, ungrateful man, with the ec- 
centric and despicable Moreland, and the equally con- 
temptible Anthony Pasquin, are lanaentable examples 
of prostituted talent. In them, the follies and vices of 
tlie men overpower, and destroy, every sentiment of 
respect that their genius may excite. Faithful me- 
moirs of such characters, would be valuable presents to 
the juvenile author and artist, and might usefully dis- 
play the dangers, and inevitable disgrace, that ever at- 
tend on flagrant indiscretion. 



18 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

After all, Gentlemen, it is to you that the 
author is to look for permanent and certain 
reward, commensurate to his talents ; and 
were it not for your discreet patronage, the 
Muses would droop their heads, the lyre of 
Apollo would remain unstrung, and you 
would not have been troubled to read sa 
much from 

Your friend and advocate, 

Frank Playfair. 



•^* Bravo I cries Mr. Ironicus ; surely tliis must se, 
eure the interest of all the respectable booksellers : and 
every tradesman in this line will anxiously promote the 
sale of a book, wherein he becomes so pleasantly inter* 
ested. The work must inevitably find its way into the 
JVindoivs, on the Counters, and into the Studies of eve. 
ry active, spirited, literary, and prudent Bibliopolist in 
Great Britain : and that bookseller who objects to, or 
repels the " Pleasures of Human Life," will prove him- 
self a '» drone" 



( 19 ) 



PREFACE, 



AN 



INTRODUCTION, 

OR AW 

INTERLOCUTORY DISSERTATION. 



Though breathing the dull fogs of No- 
vember, it is our duty, as well as inclina- 
tion, to be cheerful ; and whilst we can pre- 
serve tins tennperament of spirits, we hope 
to communicate a little of its influence to 
our readers. Having commenced a short 
journey together, it may be mutually advan- 
tageous to unbend a little, to shake off some 
of that cold forbidding reserve which so gen- 
erally characterizes the English ; and com^ 
municate sentiments with the freedom and 
familiarity of old acquaintance. Though 
•we have the first possession of the stage 
coach, and though wt have positively engag- 
ed to travel the whole journey, yet you are 



20 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

not equally bound. You can leave the ma- 
chine and us, when you please ; at the 
first, second, or third stage : or, indeed, at 
any intermediate baiting-place : — you will 
remember, however, that you must pay the 
whole fare. If you keep us company, we 
Aviil endeavour to prove to you, not very 
sermonically perhaps, that if all the public 
roads ^ by -roads ^ cross-roads, and footpaths 
of life, are not strewed with roses, and lined 
with sweet-briars, yet each of these thor- 
oughfares may be safely and comfortably 
travelled, if we choose to exercise, discre- 
tionally, our eyes, ears, ard understandings. 
The headstrong fellow, who spurs his nag 
heedlessly through every avenue, and is 
constantly breaking over the prescribed 
boundaries of prudence and propriety, must 
necessarily scratch his nose sometimes, be- 
spatter his apparel, or be thrown in the mud. 
He,mdeed, seems to be on the high turnpike- 
road to misery. But the prudent and pleas- 
ant traveller, occasionally turns a little to 
the right or left, to avoid a deep rut, *> looks 
before he leaps," enquires at the cross- 
roads which is the best and safest, and 
cheerfully joins in familiar chat with every 



CORNELITTS CRABTREE. 21 

fellow-traveller. He is constantly looking 
after, and pointing out beautiful prospects, 
or descanting on the endless delights un- 
folded by variegated nature. Indeed, he 
looks forward with a smiling confidence for 
the termination of his journey, in the health- 
ful and delightful city of Rational Pleasure. 

Cornelius Crahtree was one of the former 
description. His maxim was never to care 
for himself, or for any body else. This tor- 
pid carelessness, however, involved him in 
numberless difficulties, and led him into va- 
rious ** hair breadth 'scapes." Walking, one 
day, through a back street, in the neighbour- 
hood of Hounsditch, London, and, though 
not '* meditating on things «^o^'{?," he ab- 
solutely dived into things belonjj ; for the 
trap-door of a cellar* being invitingly open, 
he soused into a tub of warm suds, and 
nearly smothered the poor washerwoman in 
her own lather. " Lord a' Misrhties shave 
your honours," cried the Jewess, *' vhat 
vill Mr. Mordecai shav ?" ^' Go to the Devil 



* This is one of Lhe ^vcat miseries of London, and 
demands the interference of magistrates. 
D 



22 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

and shake yourself ,^^ bawl'd a ballad singer 
in the street. This is only one among num* 
berless disasters that befel this heedless and 
head strong being ; for being naturally of a 
piggish and goosish disposition, he neither 
profited by experience, nor sought for wis- 
dom : he constantly abused all schoolmas- 
ters, tutors, latin, and learning ; ** for edu- 
cation," he used to say, ^* is one of the fool- 
cries of life, and was invented to pervert the 
operations of nature. But for the constant 
exercise of the rod, I am positive there 
would be no such a stupid thing as learning ; 
and hadn't this tickle-breech been freely em- 
ployed on me, I should have lived in clov- 
er, and died in down." " You're quite 
right," said Mamaluke Miserable ; '' the 
floggatlon of tutors begins to annoy us in 
infancy, and every stage of life is hung on 
crazy springs, and destined to travel over 
holy roads. Besides wheel-ruts, hills, and 
mud, the highways and low- ways are lined 
with nettles, thistles, briars, thorns, and 
hemlock. In short, plagues, pestilence, and 
pigs, are before, behind, and all around us. 
There's no one luxury in life, but speak- 
ing, and that I'll indulge in.'' Such arc 



SEEKPLEASURE AND YE SHALL FIND IT. 23 

the sentiments, and such is the groaning, 
growling language of the Don Dismals and 
Monsieur Mopers of life. Unhappy in 
themselves, they tend to make others un- 
comfortable; and, like carcase-butchers, 
tallow chandlers, and soap-makers, they may 
properly be classed among the nuisances of 
civilized life. While the professions of the 
latter assail and annoy the olfactory nerves, 
the practices of the former are constantly tan- 
talizing our ears, and wounding our feelings. 

A celebrated WTiter has observed,, that 
'* there are few incidents in life so happy, 
that the imprudent will not, by their miscon- 
duct, render of less advantage to them ; and 
that there are seldom any events so unfortu- 
nate, from which the prudent will not derive 
some benefit. Like the bee, therefore^ we 
should endeavour to extract honey from the 
meanest weed, and not, like the spider^ 
suck poison from the sweetest and most 
wholesome flower. 

*' A person who, either from nature or 
from habit, has a disposition to be pleased, 
diffuses a kind of sunshine of happiness on 
all around him. Numerous are the topics 



^4 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

that occur to him, which are overlooked by 
the majority of the world : such as the re- 
turn of spring, the verdure of that sweet 
season, with the bloom of opening flowers, a 
bright sky, a moonlight night, with a hun- 
dred other nameless delights, which are daily- 
present to a mind not corrupted by what 
Mr. Addison calls fantastical pleasures."^ 

Instead, therefore, of 

" Hunting, vvith hoiind-iike nose, 
InlQ that hornet's nest, a hive of woes,'* 

It would certainly be more conducive to our 
own worldly felicity to smile at the past, be 
contented with tlie present, and hope for the 
future. ** The most nauseous drug," sa5^s 
Doctor Specific, '* will not taste very offen- 
sive, if the palate be honied with the hope 
of relief: and that man suffers amputation 
of a leg or an arm with pleasing resignation, 
who is convinced that he thereby preserves 
life. There is no real misery but what re- 
sults from bodily pain ; and hope and forti- 
iudeh^Yt laid in a large chest of medicines, 
even for the cure, or mitigation of this. 



• Walker's Themes, or Essays. 



NUISANCES t! 1 S5 

Those beings who are afflicted with that mis- 
erable disorder called the Itch of Temper^ 
are almost incurable : and, when I am a leg- 
islator, I will certainly bring a bill into the 
House to relieve populous cities, such as 
London, &c. from the mischievous, the mis- 
erable^ and the melancholy'^ ^ by appropriating 
certain inclosed squares in the outskirts of 
towns, for these, with coffin-makers, dyersy 
trunk -joiners, tallow-boilers, soap-makers, 
and nightmen ; for we may well exclaim, in 
the language of prayer, * from such nuisances^ 
good Lord deliver us I' 

" In the following work," continues Dr.. 
SpeciE^c, we shall prepare a few compositions 
for 

Alleviating human calamities, 
Mitigating misfortunes. 
Allaying the swellings of sorrow. 
Smoothing the wrinkled browns of care, 

and administering an 
Antidote to melancholy mopings. 



* A plague take all such grumbling elves, 

If they will vail, so be it ; 
Because we're happier than themselves, 

They can't endure to see it. DiBDtN> 

D 2 



26 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

Indeed, we are solicitous to exemplify and 
elucidate the maxim of Peter Pindar^ that 

<' Man may be liappy if he will I" 

Should you, Mr. Gregory Grumble, dis- 
pute the maxim of the poet, pray attend to the 
reasonings of the moral philosopher : to the 
goodnatured and good humoured Goldsmith. 
He says — *' To enjoy the/; r^^/;z/, without re- 
gret for the past, or solicitude for the future, 
lias been the advice rather of poets than of 
philosophers, and yet the precept seems more 
rational than is generally imagined. It is the 
only general precept respecting the pursuit 
of happiness that can be applied with prO/- 
priety to every condition of life." 

** The man of pie a sure y the man ofhusiness^ 
and the philosopher^ are equally interested in 
ks disquisition. If we do not find happiness 
in the present moment, in what shall we find 
it ? Either in reflecting on the past, or prog- 
nosticating the future, " - - Citizen ofihefVorhL 

In another part of the same inestimable 
work, this engaging writer observes, *^ that 



HUME AND JOHNSON ARE LUS0RIST3. 27 

posithe happiness is constitutional, and inca- 
pable of increase; misery is artificial, and 
generally proceeds from our folly. Philos- 
ophy can add to our happiness in no other 
manner but by diminishing our misery. 
Happy were it for us if we were all born phi- 
losophers, -all born with a talent of dissipat- 
ing our own cares, by spreading them upon 
all mankind." 

Mr. Hume, the philosophical historian, m 
allusion to the failure of his first publication, 
^for the writings o^ great men are not always 
appreciated, ovfelt at once) observes, that 
''he soon recovered the blow; for he was 
born with a disposition to see the best side of 
things; a disposition which is preferable to 
being born to an estate," &.c. 

*' The great source of pleasure is variety. 
Uniformity must tire at last, though it be 
uniformity of excellence. We love to ex- 
pect, and when expectation is disappointed 
or gratified, we want to be again expecting.'^' 
■ — Johrison'^s Life of Butlev^ 



28 PLEASURES or HUMAN LIFE. 



•,* Just at the time this work was going to press, 
" More Miseries^* made their appearance ; and " more^*' 
are still threatened. We formerly heard of the " last 
words of Dr. Johnson ; but some sagacious person heard, 
or rather published ^^ ?nore last words" of the same 
great moralist. Though the Spectator has told us how- 
some '' Miseries may be alleviated,'* he has not provi-s 
fled against this. 



PLEASURES 



OS 



HUMAN LIFE, 



DISSERTATION II. 



PLEASURES OF LITERATUR£, 

Philosophic ally i Satirically, aud Mentally considereck 

WE have had ^' the Pursuits of Literature,^^ 
*' the Revolutions of Literature,''' " Xh^ Cu- 
riosities of Literature, '"^ *' Sketches of a His- 
tory oj Literature,'''' besides various miscel- 
laneous essays, pamphlets, &c. relating to 
the same subject ; but it is reserved for the 
present age, and present work, to identify 
and descant on the Pleasures of Litera- 
ture. In doing this, we shall not infringe 
on the province of the '' Literary Review,^ 
nor sport with '' Literary Recreations ;"* 
nor shall we attempt such a comprehensive, 
bird's-eye vieiv as the ** Literary Panora- 



50 PLEASURES OF ftUMAN LIFE. 

ma.^^^ Whilst these learned and elaborate 
works 2CCQ fully charged with the philosophi- 
cal and sportive productions of genius, we 
shall endeavour to divert our own minds 
from abstruse pursuits, and amuse those of 
our companions by a few cursory observa- 
tions on the propensities of the writers and 
readers of the present day. Whilst the for- 
mer are charitably and disinterestedly em- 
ployedf in promoting virtue and science^ 
the latter, generous souls ! are induced to 
to buy and peruse books for the sole pur- 
pose of patronizing learning and encourag- 
ing literature. Thus they say, and thus 
they act ; whereby it appears that one of 
** the pleasures of imagination," not speci- 
fied by Akenside, is, to deceive ourselves, 
and impose on others. This practice of de- 
ception and imposition is certainly a verf 



• Three monthly publications ; the latter of which is. 
not only very large, but fully stored with literary intel- 
ligence. 

t See prefaces to the majority of books, where the 
writers declare they are wholly iatendcd //ro bono pub- 
lic (i. 



LITERARY UNDERTAKERS, 31 

prominent feature, if not a pleasure, of the 
present age ; and where we find one candid 
and sincere in declaration, there are ninety ^ 
nine who are frothy, false, or fraudulent. 
Like the Jew, who made his razors solely 
to sell, so many books are also made (not 
written) with that express object in view. 
Thus the handicraftsmen of literature may 
be classed under the appellations of carpen- 
ters, joiners, and undertakers. One knocks 
together almost any thing, either m wood* 
or paper ; another glues and joins any spe- 
cies of rubbish together, and calls it Lite- 
vary Curiosities^ Eccentric Repository^ or 
some other equally apposite title, to trepan 
purchasers. 

The latter class is of a more industrious, 
Tcrsatile description. One of these can ei- 
ther write, arrange, edite, compile, select, 
copy, or translate, any thing : from a chari- 
ty sermon to a dying speech ; from the 

* Though wooden libraries have been frequently rep- 
robated by essayists : they have the advantage of be- 
ing harmless, which caniiot be said of many of those 
works tacked together by paper-book carpenters. 



52 FLEASURES Or HUMAN LIFX. 

History of the World to the History of a 
Gingerbread Nut.^ Thus books are man- 
ufactured, multiplied, and divided ; and 
thus the dignified temple of the muses is 
converted into a Bartholomew-fair booth. 
But the heads of these literary mechanics, 
like the cannon-proof wall, are invulnera- 
ble ; and the artillery of wit, satire, and rid- 
icule is wasted in attacking them. 

" Philosophy and criticism cannot reach 
some subjects, which sap the foundation 
and support of well-being. Playfulness, 
ridicule, wit, and humour, are the auxilia- 
ries and light-armed forces of truth ; and 
their power, in detachments is equally felt 
with the main strength of the body." — 
Pursuits of Literature, Pref, to Part IF. 

The study of literature will ever rank a- 
mong the higher pleasures of human life, 



* We could elucidate this character by reference to 
two or three living examples ; but these shall be re- 
served for another lecture : not tl^at they are even 
worth the compliment of being d— — dj — critically: 
but they should be hung up, like scare -crows, to deter 
athers trom trespassing on the same corn. 



LIT. AN INTELLECTUAL CORDIAL. 33 

and its votaries among the most happy of in- 
tellectual beings. This is one of those few 
pursuits, in which delight and instruction 
are most happily united ; and whether it be 
followed as a profession, or resorted to as a 
relaxation, none who embark in the pursuit 
can easily tear themselves from the Muses. 
No science affords so ample a store of vari* 
ed information, and valuable knov/ledge. 
Indeed it may be said to swallow in its vor- 
tex every other science, and its stores are so 
inexhaustible, that the literary epicure, who 
revels in intellectual delight, can never want 
entertainment ; nor the mental valetudina- 
rian, medicine for the mind. In every pos- 
sible situation, and in every varied circum* 
rstance of life, this estorative will be found 
efficacious. It can cheer the bed of sick- 
ness, lessen the pangs of penury, and solace 
the horrors of imprisonment. To the bo- 
som of literary retirement the statesman flies 
from the parade and toils of greatness, the 
man of the world from the frivolity of fash- 
ion, and the monarch from the cares and 
solicitudes incessantly attached to his eleva- 
ted situation. 

1-: 



34 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

So irresistibly attractive is literature to 
the well-regulated and laudably inquisitive 
rnind, that it may truly be said to constitute 
its greatest, and truest pleasure. But for 
this, Akcnsidc had never felt or communi- 
cated delight by his '^ Pleasures of Imagi- 
nation;'''^ and Rogers had never banquettcd 
on'' the Pleasures of Memory, ^^ Had not 
literature expanded and cheered the mind of 
Campbell, he would never have dwelt on 
'' t/ie Pleasures of I/ope ;" and but for the 
same vivifying power, Carey had never tu- 
ned his lyre to ** t/is Pleasures of Nature,''^ 
Even the bewitching, endearing, delightful, 
tormenting, and maddening passion of love 
acquires a tenfold zest from the refinements 
and effects of literature. Hence we have 
various poetical effusions to Cupid and 
Venus : with '' poisoned darts y^'' and *' bleed- 
ijig hearts,'''^ Love in a Cottage ^ like '* Love 
in a Tub," is a stupid, doggrel, uncouth 
sort of a thing ; but love in a sonnet is vast- 
ly pretty ; in an ode very fine ; in a billet- 
doux, extremely moving ; and in an opera 
almost insupportable. To be sure, those 
scribbling gentlemen, the opera- writer and 
sonnetteer, sometimes make love and lite- 



SONNETS, SOMETIMES JING. NONSENSE 35 

rature appear very ridiculous to the philo- 
sophical by-standers. For the latter, who 
arc cool, reflecting (gentlemen, are apt to 
think that a '* Sonnet to an Jiyc-broiv,^^ an 
ode *' to an Ear-ring ^^"^ or a poetical '' Epis- 
tle to Narcissa''s Nose,^^ is mere jinLi;]int^ 
nonsense ; and the situations, language, and 
warblings of operatic lovers, arc by these 
harsh critics classed in the same list : for 
they most fastidiously say, that to make 
love in semiquavers, demi-semicjuavers, and 
crotchets, is very ww-natiiral 2i\\(S. \Qvy Jlat. 
But these things have been long tolerated, 
and are admired by many. It would, there- 
fore, appear like cruelty, or tyranny, to 
check the public love-songs of a Braham 
and Storace, who have performed thesfe 
things with such universal applause. 

The writers here alhided to may contend 
in their vindication, that war songs and 
love-songs were the earliest productions of 
literature, and may be ranked with the finest 
effusions of genius. But these gentlemen 
should recollect that the manners and cus- 
toms of the first and nineteenth centuries 
have many differences, and that good sense 



S6 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

and good taste are better employed in im- 
proving upon, than in imitating the fashions, 
of savages. 

With a mind well disposed, and deeply 
stored with literature, every sense acquires 
additional susceptibility, and almost every 
object and occurrence administers to human 
pleasure. All the refinements of art, and 
productions of nature, are viewed with in- 
terest, and investigated with delight. In- 
deed, a mind thus regulated can never suf- 
fer under ennui, or be oppressed with le- 
thargic stupor. The fascinating society of 
books unfolds so many charms, and is so 
endlessly varied, that a person can never be 
dull, or want congenial company, who has 
learnt the happy art of seeking pleasure 
from this inexhaustible source. This will 
be exemplified in tlie following descriptive 
sketch of a character, from nature«* 



* It may not be irrelevant to observe, that every 
character debcribed, and anecdote rtlated in this worK 
is from nature and fl\ct ; neither romance, reverie, ngr 
any species of ftclion will be admitted. 



A PORTRAIT TROM NATURE. 37 

Mr. Placid (we may as well give him 
that name as any other) is a gentleman rath- 
er advanced in years, and, though a batchc- 
lor, he always appears with a cheerful coun- 
tenance, and greets his friends with a smile 
of joy. At an early age, he became enam- 
oured with literature ; and the passion ap- 
pears to have '' grown with his growth, and 
strengthened with his strength." With an 
inquisitive and ardent thirst for know ledge, 
he has incessantly drunk at the fountain 
head. Every draft was refreshing ; but the 
diirsty palate constantly craved more. Ev- 
er in pursuit of learning, he sought her in 
all the mazes of language, in the devious 
paths of science, and in the gay parterre of 
the belles lettres. Mixing occasionally with 
intelligent and enlightened society, he there- 
by rubs off the rust of pedantry, and ap- 
pears the more polished by tempering ur- 
banity with erudition. Whilst science adds 
strength to his head, the philosophy of na- 
ture regulates and keeps in unison the e- 
motions of his heart. Actuated by the 
warmest feelings of humanity, he never wit- 
nesses distress w^ithout really mitigating;, 
E 2 



58 PLEASURES OF HITMAN LIFE. 

or endeavouring to alleviate, its sufferings. 
Though not rich, he contrives to assist, 
and is beloved by, the poor ; for he justly 
observes, that whilst we have enough to 
provide ourselves with the necessaries and 
luxuries requisite for our peculiar situa- 
tions in life, we shall purchase ^ great addi' 
^io//^/ luxury, by administering to the wants 
of real distress. He is never idle, nor is he 
ever seen frivolously employed ; and, 
though past the meridian of life, he is ac- 
tive, alert, and lively. The primary or prin- 
cipal object of his studies, has been to store 
his mind with useful knov/ledge, and lay in 
a large stock of such erudition as is furnish- 
ed by history, philosophy, and science. la 
thi» routine of instructive amusement, he 
has spent the greater part of his life, and is 
now daily and diligently occupied in the 
the pusuit. He returns to the same enter- 
tainment day after day^ *' as if increase of 
appetite had grown with what it, fed on :" 
and he frequently declares, that novelty and 
delight are always to be found in the com- 
positions of talent, and in the effusions of 
well-regulated genius. Thus endowed, and 
thus employed, he may be fairly held up as 



[ EGol! ] 39 

an admirable example for imitation ; and his 
daily career displays, in fescinating colours, 
*' the Pleasures of Literature." 

Whilst recording this tribute to worth, 
honesty, benignity, and learning, we feel a 
stimulating spark of emulation, and a proud 
dignity of spirit, which exults in submitting 
this slight sketch to public inspection, and 
demanding for it that admiration and respect, 
which should ever be the concomitants of 
true wisdom. 

Such is the character of Mr. Placid : how 
different is that of Mr. Ego ! Both are attach- 
ed to literature, and both may be said to be 
learned ; but, whilst the former reads solely 
for self satisfaction and m.ental instruction, 
the latter hunts after knowledge merely to 
sport it in company. His only pleasure is 
derived from an ostentatious display of learn- 
ing ; and there is no music so harmonious 
to his ear, as the sweet voice of praise, in 
being flattered on his deep researches andpre?- 
Jouncl reading. Should others neglect to 
tickle him in this susceptible part, he abso- 
lutely contrives to tickle himself; and this is 



40 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

not a very common case. Even the Miss 
Lively 's and Miss 'Sen sibles cannot provoke 
hiughter \a ith their own fingerSj either appli- 
ed to the arm-pits, knees, or feet ; nor even 
m the most susceptible part, just under the 
fifth rib on the left side, near the heart. Mr. 
Fgo's, in this respect, is only an occasional 
pleasure, and not one that can be command- 
ed at all times. It depends on company, 
and requires that company to be good-natur- 
edly civil; for unless the hinges of his tongue 
are kept in easy play, by the oil of encomia 
um, he soon grows dull, and sulkily stupid. 
Tempt him to talk, and you will surely be 
amused, if not mstructed ; for, if the truths of 
learning fail to effect this, his flexible fancy 
can soon create ; and he will embellish his 
narratives w ith the most dazzling and effuU 
gent colours of fancy. As 

Wine whets the wit, improves its native force, 
And gives a pleasatnt flavour to discourse : 

So hyperbole, romance, and exaggeration 
generally serve as chyan, or forced balls, to 
conversation. Mr. Ego knows this well, 
and generally uses such seasonings to give a 
zest and relish to his colloquial fare. To 



A HYPER-CRITIC. 41 

surprise, astonish, and amaze his hearers af- 
fords him supreme delight ; and he would 
rather be called a liar than a dull fellow. 

History, Poetry, Antiquities, the Drama, 
and the Arts, are all comprehended by the 
capacious mind of this gentleman : and ei- 
ther in private company, at a public table> or 
in published criticism, he pronounces final 
sentents on works in either of these classes- 
of literature, and arraigns all kinds of au- 
thors at his tribunal. When out of company, 
he is constantly reading ; but the sole object 
of his researches is, to detect faults, to des- 
cry errors, and discover blunders. His 
common^place book are filled with Q^. X^. 
and ■\-\\s. These, v;ith titles of books, and 
pages of reference constitute his choice 
" Morsels of Criticism.^ '^ SpecimeriS of his 
critiques may be found in the Edinburgh, 
Antijacobin, and Oxford Reviews ; and also 
in the News, a weekly paper. In the latter, 
he is known to have scribbled a good deal ;, 
and has levelled the whole artillery, or rather 
small-arms, of his hyper-criticism at heads 
of a Dibdln, Reynolds^ and Cherry ; and 
merely because these gentlemen lore to 



42 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFEr 

laugh themselves, and provoke laughter m 
others. But these true lusorists seem to 
have treated his splenetic snarlings with 
that proud contempt which real genius must 
ever feel towards that criticism which con- 
sists in personal iliiberality, and indiscrim- 
inate abtise. It is also confidently asserted, 
that Mr. Ego once attacked all the Revieiv- 
ers and Reviews ; and pronounced them 
partial, ignorant, illiberal, and base assas- 
sins. He afterwards undertook the editor- 
ship of a review himself; in which, rather 
unluckily, he committed all the absurdities 
.and crimes he had previously complained 
of; but forgot to introduce any of thos« 
great reformations and improvements which 
he so earnestly and eagerly recommended to 
others as absolutely necessary. This, how- 
ever, is the common fate of clamorous re- 
formers ; for, whilst th^y are vehement in 
urging improvement in others, they seem to 
forget that it is most wanted at home. What 
they prescribe in theory, they neglect to 
practice. Whilst employed in reforming 
the government of the country, they disre- 
gard the jurisprudence of their own domes- 
tic monarchy. Weak, shallow coxcombs ! — ' 



I by't-selp I. 43 

presuming thus to direct and regulate the 
complicated machine of government, yet ab- 
solutely unqualified to keep the simple ma- 
chine of a single family in good order. 

At the literary conversazione,^ and the 
fascinating tea-table, Mr. Ego generally 
proclaims his own talents, and trumpets 
forth his own praises. I by 't- self I, is the 
first letter of his alphabet ; and to him the 
most important part of speech in the En- 
glish language. It is, indeed, the nomhia^ 
the case to almost every sentence. Thus 
he commonly talks — " / cannot think so — 
— / — must — deny — that / oppose it in 



« In the winter of 1805-6, there were several asso- 
ciations of this kind in London. Besides those at Sir 
Joseph Bank's, Dr. Heaviside's, and Dr. Garthshore's, 
two respectable publishers (Longman and Co. in the 
city, and Millar at the West-end of the town) invited 
the literati and artists to assemble at their respective 
houses, one evening in every week during v.inter. It 
was extremely pleasant ; for, besides associating with 
the great luminaries of the age, visitors were treated 
with a sight of all the popular and expensive publica- 
tions of the day. 



44 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

toto / — think — differently / am 

positive you are wrong, Sir.* 

Another strong trait of this gentleman is, 
his familiar acquaintance (according to his 
own report) with the first noblemen and 
state officers of the country. The Duke of 

- , the Marquis of ■ , the 

Earl of , and the Countess of 

are all his most particular friends : and he 
is so repeatedly engaged in dinner parties, 
8cc. with these great folks, that he '' really 
has not a moment's time to do this, or tkat^ 
ox f other. ''^ 

From self each Ego adoration draws. 

And gathers increase from its own applause. 

Leaving Mr. Ego to him-^d*^, let us take 
a cursory review cf the literary character 
and literature ; and see how far the latter 
administers to the pleasure of the former, 



♦ " As / walk'd by myself, and talk'd by ^ryscJf, 

And tlius myselj said unto we : 
Look to thyself, take care of thyself 

Vov nobody cares for tJice*' 



LITERARY TAYLORS. 45 

and he to the gratification of the public. 
The present is certainly the age of letters, 
if not of learning ; for books of all sizes, 
sorts, qualities, and subjects, are daily issu- 
ing from the British press. 

" Our learned authors have the world supplied 
With all they knew— and some thing more beside, 
All Fancy's stores have rummag'd, cull'd,and sack'd, 
And stretcbM invention till it almost crack*d ; 
Yet our discoveries have been but few 
Of things important, or of subjects new." 

Age of Frivolity, 

There is scarcely a subject of art, or sci- 
ence, but what genius or learning has fairly 
and luminously laid before the public : from 
that of cutting out a coat,^ to that of cut- 



* A work has been recently published called the 
Taylor's Guide, " 6z/ adefits in the prufesdon,^* who as* 
sure us that their object is " to furnish the world with 
a complete guide to ornamental coverijig ; a comprehen- 
sive analysis of beauty and e/e^awctf in dress ;m which 
injinite pains have been taken, and various talents united, 
to form rules applicable in all cases for cutting out 
garments ; a work which will, on the first view, con- 
vince the uninformed mindy that, with a little ap^ilication, 
F 



46 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

ting up a whale ; from the art of brewing 
small beer, to the art of ingeniously torment- 
ing. The literati are not merely men of 
learning, but of liberality and good nature ; 
for they seldom suppress any hints or in- 
formation that appear to be calculated for the 
public good. Thus the pious religionists 
have furnished forlorn sinners with " A 
Guide to Heaven^^ — " ^ Christiana's Complete 
Armour.''— '' A Godly Pillar of Hell).''— 
*' A Shove to Hea^oy-a d Christians^'*' &c. 

Dramatists have taught us *' the Way to 
to get Married !'' — ^^ How to grow Ridi" — 
^^How to be A^/?/j"— and " the Way of the 
World.'' 

Politicians have acquainted us with '* The 
State of the Nation," " The Rights of 
Man," '' The Wealth of Nations," Sec. , 



fie may beconiie a complete taylor" 1 1 ! Glorious era ! 
when any uninformed mind may be made a taylor ; and 
^vhen, by the Saiiie logic* we suppose a body may be 
taught to think. If philosophy and literature be thus 
cabbagedy it will soon dwindle into mere " shrtds and 
patchet'^ 



AN APOLOGY FOR POOR POETS, 47 

Philosophers have descanted on •* the 
Dignity of Human Nature^'''' — *' The Histo- 
ry of Man,'' '' the Immutability oj Truth,'' 
&c. ; *' Metaphysicians have soared in- 
to the heavens, and endeavoured to display 
and define " the being and attributes of the 
Deity" — and " the Immateriality and Im- 
mortality of the Human Soul^" ; Poets 
have rhymed on almost every subject com- 
prehended within the limits of Art and Na- 
ture ; from *' Paradise Lost," to ** the So- 
fa"— horn *' the Creation of the world — to 
*' the Last Shilling," — and from *' Rhymes, 
on Art"\ to " A Farthing Rushlight." 



* TliiLi is certainly one of the most extraordinary- 
works of the present age. It is written by an uneduca-^ 
ted shoemaker (S.Drew,) of that remote county, Corn- 
wall : and, whilst it displays great vigour of inteHectj 
it provf^s that the human mind will often soar above 
that sphere where the body is compelled to move ; and 
that genius and talent may be found in a humble shed, 
as well as in a college. Though we have had politi- 
cal and poetical coblers, this is the first metaphysical 
cobler that has attracted our notice. 

t We cannot, refer either to the title of Mr. Shee's 
book, or to its contents, without being impressively re- 
minded of the Pleasures of Literature. For, whilst we 



43 PLEASURES OF HITMAN LIFEr 

In short, authors have been so kindly 
Gommunicative, and disinterestedly gene- 
rous, that they seem to have given away 
nearly all their wisdom and prudence to the 
public, and reserved scarcely any for them- 
selves. Otherwise how is it they arc com- 
monly so poor? This may easily be ac- 
counted for by saying, that their mental ap- 
petite is always keen and hungry, but that 
the corporeal one is only occasionally so ; and 
it is a natural consequence, that the de- 
mands of the most troublesome creditor 
should be first satisfied ; the most clamour- 
ous claimants miist be first served. Many 
of these gentlemen seem conscious of their 
weaknesses, as may be inferred by the fol- 
lowing 

APOLOGY FOR SCRIRBLING, 

IW A FAJVIILIAR EPISTLE TO A FRIEND AT. 
COLLEGE. 

Neque idem unquam 



jEqiie est beatus, ac Poema quani scribit 
Tarn gaudct in se, tamque scipse miratur. 

Catullus, 



{gel convinced that tlie vivid mind of the author must 
Iiave been continually illumined with the brilliant flash- 
es of fancy, and the enlivening creations of intellect, we 
l^ieruse andreperuse his work with that high zest which 
< an only be communicated by energy of Talent. 



I^HE POETS' A P0l6gY. 49 

'fon oft have press'd me to decline 

This Cacoethes pen of mine ; 

liut to be plain, and at a word, 

I cannot wilh your taste accord : 

As well you might in truth expect. 

Ma chere amie^ her glass to break ; 

And therefore, whether wrong or right, 

JLudere cum Calamo — I delight, 

Tho' thousands say and think with you, 

I might some better trade pursue ; 

And add — " Lord help the man— his brain 

"Is so derang'd it gives us pain, 

" x\nd then, his poetry is chaff ; 

" His prose is better fur by half 

" (Tho' that indeed scarce makes us laugh.") 

All which I hear with patience grave, 

In hopes a word in turn to have — 

As thus — (by way of calm reply) 

" The fact I fear 1 can't deny ; 

" But then, I trust, there are some fe\7 

" Amongst our modern rhyming crew, 

"Who, like poor me, have lost their wits, 

" And shew it by their raging fits ; 

« Who scratch their head and bite their nails, 

" To see on which side sink the scales, 

" Whether in favour of their rhymes, 

(« In harmony with bells and chimes,) 

" Or in the grave Mosaic tract, 

« In which Committee's plan an act V* 

In either case I fear it true, 

(At least will own it, Frank, to you j} 

F 3 



50 FLEASUliES OF HUMAN LIFE* 

We're ne'er so well, or vainly pleas*d, 

As when with this same madness seiz'd ; 

To which in favour of my sin, 

I might in proof bring *Pliny in ; 

Who says whatever is in print, 

Has more or less of knowledge in*t. 

But you perhaps will laughing say, 

*' It miglit be so in Pliny's day ; 

" But now the scene is alter'd quite, 

" And authors make their mark — not write ; 

" And what in former days might please, 

*' As penn'd with elegance and ease, 

** Is now so smooth and tlioughtless writ, 

*' 'Tis artless art, or artless wit." 

From whence I may conclude, you think, 

1 spoil both paper, pen, and ink, 

And am but proving what you say, 

In trudging on my rhyming way ; 

Which, though a truth, for aught I know, 

Yet freely tell me, can you shew 

One single instance of a man 

Cured by advice — on any plan ? 

S'Jll I forgive, nor take it ill, 

You censure with so good a will ; 

And in return will prove a friend, 

In giving pi-oof I mean to mend, 

By putting to my rhymes an— end ; 



* Pliny the elder maintai?ied, accordi?ig to Erasmiu^ 
in his Latin collections^ that there is 7io book^ however in^ 
different^ but inay^ in some sense or other, instruct the 
reader. 



POETICAL HOBBIES* 51 

Relying in the world to find 
Some <' to my faults a little blind.*' 

MOULSIANUS, 

Though the current coin in the poet's 
Exchange be wordsr^^d his drafts be drawn 
in verse on the Bank of Parnassus, yet these 
are but little regarded by bakers, butchers, 
taylors, Sec. it is therefore not very surpris- 
ing that such bills as the preceding should 
be dishonoured, when offered for payment, 
and returned upon the drawer. Among, 
the various classes of the literati, the poet 
is most commonly a victim to the cacoet/ies- 
scribendi, for if he once resigns the reins to 
fancy, she generally runs restive ; and the 
poor charioteer is often thrown into the bog 
of disappointment, or hurried into the quag- 
mire of penury. 

" Though pining in garret, perhaps for want of bread, 
He fills with visionary bliss his head, 
Scratches his pate, and now enraptured writes, 
Now utters sentences, and now endites : 
" Descend ye lovely, ye celestial nine — 
—Borrow a candle child — Wife don't repine." 

Of all the hobbies in the Augean stable of 
literature, there is none worse ridden, or so 
badly managed as Pegasus. 



52 PLEASURES OF HUMAN IITEo 

Many a worthy man gets on his back 
with the laudable intention of riding post to* 
Parnassus, but finds, to his astonishment, 
that the beast leaves him in the lurch, and 
does not bring him within sight of that be- 
witching region — It sometimes happens 
that a very oaf will aspire to the honor of 
mounting Pegasus, but he is soon thrown 
into the dirt. 

" See smiling J ra 's.i fifty ^ weep, 

Of love-lorn oxen, and forsaken sheep." 

Giffhrd^s Baviad, 

Indeed such is the prevalence of this lit- 
erary mania, that no man is now admitted 
into elegant society, unless he evinces his 
capability of making a hook, or at least, 
writing a prologue — this has produced a 
swarm of Monkish romancers : 

Prologue writers^ 
Song enditers, "^ 

Novel scribblers, 
Critic nibblers— 

In short we have now bevies of Dramat» 
ists, Sonnetteers, Epigrammatists, and Peter 
Pindarics : we have besides, sleeping beau- 
ties in the wood, children in the wood, and 



GREAT, AND LITTLE BOOKS,^ 5S 

a very numerous anacreontic society. Now 
these are surely all fair game, and the best 
thing we can do is to make game of them. 
If v/e have not poets v/ho '* lisp in num- 
bers," we have numbers of writers who 
attempt to figure in rhyme— 

" Of all vain fools with ccT^comb talents curs'd 
Bad poets and had iKiiniers are the worst/* 

Such is the severe, and just anathema of 
A. Pope J who certainly knew how to appre- 
ciate the former class ; though he was en- 
tirely ignorant of the latter. 

But the republic of letters like the em- 
pires of the world, has its revolutions, and: 
literature now seems takine: its turn : thefa- 
miliar novel is giving way before the tremen- 
dous influence of the terrific romance, and 
the regular drama, to spectacle and melo- 
drame. Scientific treatises are supplanted by 
encyclopaedias almost v/ithout number, and 
dictionaries of all kinds are now so nume- 
rous and cheap, that the English student 
cannot justly complain of wanting quantity 
of words and works, however he may re- 
gret their quality and matter. 



54 FLEASITRES OF HUMAN LIFE^ 

*' Of old, book -making was a mighty charge, 
They aim*d at folios weighty, thick, and large ; 
Firm as the pyramids of ages past, 
And destined, Agea yet to come, to last. 
Ours are productions of a lighter sort, 
Spruce, pocket volumes, little, thin, and short. 
Thus is the eye amused, attention caught 
And, what is best of all, not plagued with thought.^' 

Jge of Frivolity, 

Indeed we cannovvhave/?£?c^^/cyclop3edias, 
gazetteers, that comprehend descriptions of 
the whole world — in an octo-decimo vol- 
ume : and the Iliad, in a breeches pocket 
vade mecum. Besides Historical, Philo- 
sophical, Mathematical, Antiquarian, and 
Agricultural works, with all the higher spe- 
cies of literature, we have Reviews, Maga- 
zines, Almanacks, Guides, and Newspa- 
pers, almost without number. In the plain 
honest pages of the former class, all the in- 
teresting events ©f past ages are recorded 
with unexaggerated truth. Historians will., 
not disguise, or pervert the incidents they 
narrate ; and Philosophers torture their own 
humanity, in torturing animals, merely to 
give pleasure to others. Antiquaries are 
generally such pains-taking, good natured 



A MERIDIAN REVlEt7. 5S 

souls, that they spend their whole lives in 
hunting after discoveries for the edification 
of their neighbours, and the public at large.* 

But the most popular class of reading is 
that o^Almanaeks, Newspapers, Magazines, 
and Reviews ; these we shall briefly cr in- 
cise^ but neither in the style of the Edin- 
burgh, nor Oxford critics. We are not far 
enough north for the one, or west for the 
other. Ours will be merely the temperate 
meridian breezes of London : not the nip- 
ping, pinching, benuming hurricanes of the 
former, nor the luke-warm, foggy, drizzly 
^irs of the latter^ 

As these subjects are however of a sol- 
emnly important nature, and replete with 
momentous interest, we shall appropriate to 
them a seperate portion of our work, be- 



* See the several volumes of the Archseologia, where 
extraordinary disclosures are made, of extraordinary 
fhigments of pipkins, earthen pans and brass farthings: 
and these of such singular taste in execution, and beau- 
ty of form, that elegant engravings are given of them 
for the benefit of Artists and Artisans. 



56 PLEASURES 01 KtMAN LIEE. 

cause we cannot help thinking, that, as crit- 
icism often influences the opinion of a read- 
er, it ought to be written fairly, openly and 
candidly. Whatever may be the fate of our 
own w^ork, we have taken care to have one 
page (the following,) perfect, and unexcep- 
tionable : and therefore secure against every 
attack of — Criticism, 



57 



DISSERTATION III. 



PLEASURES OF LITERATURE. 

Illustrated in Criticisms on Almanacks and JVetosfiafiers 

ivith a history of the latter ^ and ajeiv broad 

hints for Puffirig, 

Of all the learned literary works peculiar to 
the present Age, the above are certainly the 
most popular : consequently the most impor- 
tant. All classes of men, women and chil- 
dren either read, or listen to the information of 
these sage publications. Each however has 
its relative scale of consequence, and each has 
its peculiar class of favourites and patrons. 

A CRITICAL REVIEW OF 
THE VOX STELLARUM FOR 1807. 

Without examining how many thousands 

of these are annually printed in Great Britain, 

we may just cursorily glance at their contents, 

their style of composition, and their eflfects» 

G 



5S PLEASURES or HUMAN LIFE. . 

So comprehensive is their grasp, so omnipo- 
tent is their power, and so profound is their 
erudition, that they not only acquaint us with 
the past, and describe the present, but abso- 
lutely unfold to us the future.* 

Ye Prophets of old hide your diminished heads 
Francis Moore, is too much for ye. 

Francis is a PhysiciaTi, or a Phyz-I-Shimy 
and has not merely found out a nostrum that 



* The origin of the word almanac, or almanack, like 
many other words, has been much contested by Etymol- 
ogists, and this species of disputation " is one of the 
great pleasures of literature : 7or since some writers 
can deduce amusement and delight in quarrelling about 
a single word ; only think- what felicity must result 
from a well supported and obstinate controversy about 
ideas, or about the "hoK; -vOiUme of language. Some 
leai-ned authors derive the name from the Arabic par- 
ticle M and Mav.ach to conn-. Scaliger, and others 
derive it from./^/ and |tjj£yaxfl?> the course <cf the months : 
old Verstegan,cur English Antiquary > who tl ough not 
m\ich of a lusorist, seems to have been something of a 
luminH, says tliat our ancestors UBtd lO cerve the 
courses of the moon on a square stick, or block of 
wood, wliich they called Al-Mcna^ight^ or All-moon- 
heed, — There is much wzV in the lucubrations of the 
karntd. 



f RITICAL CANDOUR ! I 59 

seems to agree with all ages and constitutions 
but it appears to have rendered himself im- 
mortal ; for though Mr. Moore realli/ died a 
mortal de^th many years back, yet he still is 
literally alive : at least the ** Fox Stellarum 
for the year oj^ human redemption, 1807," is 
said to be written, compiled, and propounded 
by this respectable veteran star gazer. This 
profound and elegant work contains much in- 
formation, which cannot fail of being singu- 
larly interesting to all laudably curious minds, 
at the present momentous crisis. Though 
this popular work sells to the amount of above 
400,000 anni.aily, yet some of its most im- 
portant passages may have escaped the notice 
of many of our readers ; and as such good 
things ought not to be lost, we proceed to 
submit a few of them to the attention of the 
curious. 

It is not our intention to criticise the whole 
volume, nor analyze its contents. Like many 
other critical reviewers we shall select a few 
passages for extract, and animadversion : cayi- 
didly premising, that our selection is not made 
so much for the improvement of the reader, 
as for our own gratification. It is frequentlj 



60 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

remarked (rather sarcastically,) that poets in 
general are no conjurors : but it will clearly 
appear from the following lines attached to the 
month of January, 1807, that Dr. Moore is 
both a conjurer^ and a poet, 

« Come rouse my muse and dictate to my pen ; 
That I may tell how things will be, and when ; 
When starry fate man's hurt will less conspire, 
When war, that plague of nations, will retire." 

As unintelligibility constitutes a part of the 
sublime, our learned author aims at the high- 
er species of poetry in the third line, and car- 
rying his reader into the starry region, there 
leaves him in the lurch. Leaving the poetry 
let us look at the prose. 

In the same month this prophet predicts 
" rain or snow more or less^ about the 2d, Sth^ 
24th, and 30th days, the day before or day 
after:'''* — Wonderful sagacity! but still more 
acutely explained — "^' that is, within the short 
space of three days^ — An old woman in 
the country, whose critical assistance we shall 
avail ourselves of, reading this passage ex- 
claims — '* Dear me, what a mighty clever 



DR. MOORE VERSUS AN OLD WOMAN. 61 

man Mr. Dr. Moore must be to know all 
these things ! then you see he says the short 
space of three days : and three days you know 
in January is much more shorter than three 
days in July — Oh he is a mortal cute mon" ! ! ! 

We have debated whether the remarks of 
the old woman, the poetic head piece of Mr. 
Moore, or his astrological predictions, are the 
most learned and profound. As we cannot 
easily determine this, we wish to submit it for 
the deliberations and discussions of Mr. G, 
Jones's debating society. In February Mr. 
Moore thus elegantly shigs, and logically 
writes, 

" Tis only war can introduce our peace ; 
Tis only arms can make the wars to cease/' 

Had the author wTitten the last line * ^Jbr 
to cease ^^^ the measure and rythmus might 
have been much improved : — in the opinion 
of the old woman. 

This is not all the news of February, for 
we are further told that, '' these are fatal times 
to some countries." — *' Alack a-daisy, so they 
G 2 



62 PLEASURES OF HUMAJT LIFE. 

be indeed," says our old woman Commenta' 
tor — ** where the sword is drawn against 
them, and is not yet likely to be put into its 
scabbard* but is furnished anew ; and what 
will the end then be V* — Fie on't Doctor 
Moore, you should not ask questions, tis 
your province to anticipate all enquiry, and 
explain every doubt. But April demands 
our attention — Take heed ye fool-makers, lest 
the tables be turned on ye, for ** this month 
is ushered in with scurrilous and lying asper- 
sions." — Perhaps Mr. M. this merely applies 
to almanack-makers — ^^ A lady of no mean 
birth meets sorrow and affliction'*'' — " Mercies 
on me," exclaims the old woman, perhaps this 
means the Queen's Majesty of England, or 
else our squire's lady" — More news is com- 
ing — *' Near this time the Turkish emperor 
dies, or it may be, he hides his head,^'^ — 
*' Bless me ! only think," says the old lady, 
**the Turkish Emperor dies, or hides his 
head — well ! for certain, that must mean the 
same thing in the Turkey world — I wonder 
if these Turkeys be like ours$" but that 
can't be, for Doctor Moore says afterwards, — 
** i/*HE can save his life, let him, I give him 
fair •warning,''^ — ** Well now, observes our 



AWFUL WARNING ! ! ! 65 

old dame, *' that's what a good doctor ought 
to do, he should always save life when he can, 
and where he can ; and I'm sure Mr. Empe- 
ror of the Turkeys ought to be desperately 
obliged to our doctor : I wish I were but the 
queen of England, I would make him my 
ornary fizishoUy as they do call it. 

Without entering into a critical analysis of 
this very popular, very interesting, and very 
profound performance, we conclude our ac- 
count of it, with its own sapient, incontrovert- 
ible, finishing axiom. ''^ If in this year^ 
1807, there he a firm and general peace in 
Europe^ it will be well. 

« All's well that ends well." 

The very pretty, or very fine picture at the 
end of the volume before us, however, must 
not be passed over in silence, for it is gener- 
ally the grand magical charm of the whole ; 
the interesting puzzler: the -S/7Vw/f hieroglyph- 
ic ; the most attractive feature : though chil- 
dren contemplate it as they would another 
common wooden print ; and though a short 
sighted, tasteless artist thinks it too contemp- 



64 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

tible for notice, 3'et to many persons, it is 
more interesting and valuable, than a grand 
historical picture by JFest, an exquisite lancy 
piece by Shee, or an unperishable enamel per- 
formance by Bone, — As, 

« The worth of any thing, 

Is just as much as it will bring.'* 



So the value of a picture, or print, is esti- 
mated according to the taste or judgment of 
the person who is viewing it. Besides, tlie 
more ugly, doubtful, unintelligible, some 
things are, tlie more highly are they prized ; 
else how is it that 10> 15, and 20 guineas 
are frequently given for a badly engraved, ill- 
looking print, said to be a portrait of a cer- 
tain person, whose name is written at the 
bottom.* This, Mr. Sarcastic will say, ari- 



* Since such sums are indiscriminately given for 
jiny scarce tranh : not that it is really good, or valua- 
able, but because it is scarce ; it is not to be wondered 
at that gr^at museums, and bulky collections be occa- 
sionally nvctded. If a collector should accidentally 
fold up an odd prmt iji his bundle, or let one slip 
into his folio, surely such incidents cannot be crimi- 



6B 

ses from the conscious humility of the pur- 
chaser, who knowing the insipidity of his 
own head, deems it fair policy to have anoth- 
er similar one, to keep his in countenance. 
An arch caricaturist, thinking to ridicule this 
false taste, once drew a portrait of one of these 
Connoisseurs^ P^T^^S ^^'^^^^ '* spectacles on 
nose,^'^ at a very bad head of this description, 
and at the same time questioning the print- 
seller about the scarcity and originality of 
the print : underneaih he wrote the old trick- 
ing adage, — 

« We three, 
Logijerheads be." 

The folly of indiscriminately collecting, 
either books, prints, coins, shells, or any other 
nicnacatory, must appear palpably ridiculous 
to the looker on ; but it is a hobby ; and few 
hobi)ies are very rational beasts, or calctilated 
to be exhibited at a public auction : but should 



nal They are mere accidents, which the most c«w- 
tious collector may fall into, and which lenient trustees^ 
or kind auctioneers will good-naturedly overlook. 



66 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

one of the above kind have no other advantage, 
it will certainly " enrich knaves at the expense 
of fools,'''' 

Though vre have given precedence to the 
Ahiianack, yet the popularity and influence 
of that class of books, will be found to be 
superceded by the Newspapers : for if the 
former be read, and referred to, by almost 
every body yearly^ the latter is the daily men- 
tal feast of thousands. Such is the extensive 
and commanding interest of this species of 
literature, that its influence is felt and ac- 
knowledged over the v/hc.e kingdom of Gieat 
Britain. VVorks thac relate only to one ait, 
or one science, or eveii the whirloool Cyclo- 
pc^dia, thi.t ingulphs :hem a!^, is confined in 
sale, limited in circulation, and only studied 
by a fev/ dull, plodding fellows : but such is 
the superlative merit of a Nev/spaper, and 
such the prejudiced attachment of English* 
men to it, that all ranks, classes, and condi- 
tions of men, manifest their predilection for 
this, above all other literary ^vorks. 

« Whtite'er the busy bustling world employs 
Our wants, ttnd wishes, plcasurtjs, cares, and' joys, 



G R E A T NEWS. 



67 



These, the historians of our times display, 
And call it At W6-, the hodge-podge of the day." 

Connoisseur. 



np:wspapers. 



27?^ folloiving is a list of such newspapers, and other 
PRINTS '2/*iNTELLiGENCE, as are printed in London, viz. 



MORNING PAPERS, 



The British Press 
TJie Morning Post 
The Morning Chronicle 
The MoiMiing Advertiser 
The Oracle and Daily 
Advertiser 



The Morning Herald 
The Public Ledger 
TiJii Times 
The Aurora 



The Couriiir 
The Crisis 
The Star 
The Gun. 
The Globe 
The Traveller 
The Statesman 

Mondavy lVed7iesday, and 
Friday, 

The London Packet 
Lloyd's Evening Post 
The Evening Mail 



EVENING PAPERS. 

Tuesday and Saturday 
The London Gazette 

Tuesday^ Thursday, and 
Saturday, 

The English Chronicle, 

The Commercial Chron- 
icle 

The General Evening 
Post 

The London Evening 
Post 

The London Chronicle 

The St.James'sChrorucIc 



68 



PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 



WEEKLY 

Every Monday, 
County Chronicle 

Saturday. 
Cobbett's Register 



PAPERS. 

Say's Craftsman 

The Westminster Journal 

The Imperial Gazette 

Baldwin's Journal 

The Mirror of the Times 

The Political Review 



The Volunteer 
Bell's Messenger 
The Dispatch 
The Englishman 
The Monitor 
The News 



SUNDAY PAPERS. 

The Observer 
The Recorder 
The Review 
The Neptune 
The Selector* 



It is commonly remarked that the London 
or English atmosphere, is the great operator 
on our dispositions : and that an EngUshman 
is a constant victim to the weather. If the 
sunshines he must be cheerful, but if a fog, 
or cloud obscures that cheering luminary, he 
is consequently dull, hippish, vaporish, or 
hypocondriacal. Are not his variations of 



* Besides the above there are no less than 84 News- 
papers published at different towns in England, and 
Wales, 18 in Scotland, and 33 in Ireland. Agency- 
business is transacted for the whole by Taylor and 
Newton, Warwick-Square, London. 



GREAT EFFECTS FROM IITTLE CAUSES. 60 

temper, of the Englishman be really so 
changeable, more attributable to the News- 
paper, than to the climate ? Are not all the 
human passions held in suspense till the 
" Morning PosV^ makes its appearance, or, 
till the ** British Press'''' proclaims the ac- 
tuating intelligence of the day ? Can a man 
go to bed till the Sun,* Star^ or Globe ^ has 
satisfied his resdess curiosity about the 
leading topic of news ? And according as 
that cohicides with, or opposes his favourite 
theories, or heart-felt interests so are his 
spirits elevated, or depressed. — The politi- 
cal mind, like the thermometer, is affected 
by every shifting wind : only there is this 
difference in the two : while the latter marks 
all the gradations of heat and cold, the form- 
er rises and sinks from the extrcipcs at once, 
and is greatly affected by little events. 

The common intelligence in our daily 
papers, with the long^ lists of advertise - 



* It is presumed that the title of this paper was giv- 
en by a sagacious Irishman, not as a buli^ but as a bait 
to the fash.ionab^e world ; for as the people of that ^re- 
gion seldom breakflist 'lill ulternoon, they might be 
pleased to fii.d the Sun make ils appearance about tl.e 
same time. 

II 



70 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

ments, will be found to contain the best ac- 
count of the present domestic taste of Eng- 
land, that can possibly be compiled. What 
an invaluable thing would a bundle of Gre- 
cian or Roman papers, of similar contents 
be to a thoroughbred antiquary, or to a 
curious critic ; either of whom might then 
inform himself, when Julius Casar obtained 
his first victory ; if he issued regular bul- 
letins of his engagements, movements, and 
decepti'oe proclamations : If he frequently 
insulted his ministers, or bullied ambassa- 
dors from a foreign nation : if he sued for 
peace at one time with the Britons, merely 
to cajole them ; and whether he, like other 
murdering conquerors, used every species 
of artifice, intrigue, duplicity and falsehood, 
to deceive other nations, and impose on his 
own : if his prime -minister was really a man 
of talents and integrity, or merely a cunning 
crafty knave : and, if a few poor enslaved 
authors, were obliged to write panegyrics on 
his humanity y or be sacrificed for high trea- 
son. A paper of this kind, would also inform 
us on what days Tully went to his Tuscu- 
lum, or Pliny to his magnificent villa : who 
w^s the capital singer at the Grecian opera : 



NEWS FROM GREECE. 71 

how often she (if a female,) had a cold, or 
sore throat : or if the house was obliged to 
be closed for several nights, on account of 
the indisposition of the two principal per- 
formers. This, however, would not be the 
only interesting article in such chronicles ; 
for we should thefc find the arguments of 
Cicero, in defence of crim. con : and the 
speeches of Demosthenes in vindication of 
gaming. We should also have an impor- 
tant account of all the arrivals in Athens 
and Rome ; the grand dinner parties, routs, 
masquerades and gambling. What lady- 
was the leading belle of the season ; if Ros- 
cius spoke a certain soliloquy, with proper 
emphasis, action, and cadence : or, if he 
was sometimes monotonous, heavy, dull, 
somniferous, and affected. Whether quack 
doctors, money lenders, and lottery office 
keepers, were much encouraged : and, if 
they always practised deception, trick, and 
imposition, to trepan the credulous and pro- 
cure a brisk trade. These pieces of intelli- 
gence would afford high delight and be sin- 
gularly interesting, to many of the dilet» 
tanti of the present day. 



72 PLEASURES or HUMAN LIFE. 

The papers now printing in London, (and 
called daily y from being likely to live only 
a day) will, most probably, 500 years hence 
be as amusing to the acute literati of that 
day, as an Egyptian Morning Post, a Gre- 
cian Fashionable Advertiser, or a Eoman 
Courier would be to th? philologists of the 
present age. 

Since the '* Pleasures of Human Life^'* 
must necessarily be studied and promoted 
as long as the English language shall be 
known, and man live to speak it : and as 
those fugitive works called Newspapers are 
not likely to be viewed by posterity, we 
are induced to record a few characterizing 
features, or peculiarities of these literary 
ephemera, in the shape of extracts. , 

By consulting the pages of a London ad- 
vertising* newspaper, a foreigner would be 



♦ The Wcekhj Mcsscv.gev^ and the .Vfw,?. profess to 
exchide all the advertisini^- trash, which constitutes the 
most int€rest'\v\<^ portion oF Newspapers ; and actuat- 
ed, by the noblest principles of independent liberality, 
these original papers, are amply fJdcd with iisefuly au' 



generosity! 73 

indticed to conclude, that the people of this 
country are ostentatiously generous, super- 
latively liberal, rigidly honest, and nobly 
disinterested. 

Lottery office puffers, — offer peo- 
ple 30,000/. for almost— nothing : and these 
gentlemen are, we believe, the inventors of 
a certain species of puff-advertisements, 
which are usually inserted among the regu- 
lar news. 

Quack doctors, promise their cus- 
tomers continued health, long life, and se- 
curity against every disease, by a small pal- 
atable phial of liquid called Balm of Solo- 
mon, Lunar Tincture, &c. Some attempt 
to bring themselves into notoriety, by am- 



thentic^ and impartial information. How unlike many 
of their contemporary prints, Avhich, exclusive of puff- 
ing off. their own works in long paragraphs, (not ad- 
vertisements) are occupied in vindicating one party, 
awd depreciating another ; in abusing, and satirizing 
some players and authors, and praising others ; and 
in short, shaking hands with their ahhannt opponents, 
in private, though publickly proclaiming tl^eir inde- 
pendence, priority, and incorruptibility. 
H2 



74t PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

biguous nonsense ; see No. 5, and some 
prey upon the benevolent and humane by 
iictkious stones. 

Money lenders — invite the public to 
come and accept cash from their offices, 
which are opened, pro bono publico. See 
Mo. 4. 

Some civil generous hearted females, have 
fitted up their houses, for the exclusive 
benefit and comfort, of the distressed of 
their own sex. See No. 3 — And Toung 
Ladies may either be provided with hus- 
bands, or children, through the medium of 
these charitaible matrons. See No. 2. 

Some gentlemen sacrifice every selfish 
consideration, every motive of individual 
interest, and all regard for themselves and 
families, to serve the public^ in their sincere 
attachment, to the independent burgesses of 
a poor, pitiful, paltry borough. 

The ladies, are not only universally ad- 
mired ; but it appears that many tradesmen 
have spent their whole lives in studying 



NEWS FOR LADIES. 75 

how to improve the beauty of the fair sex, 
and render them more bewitching : rosy- 
cheeks, — milk-white hands — flaxen hair, — 
violet breath — snow-white ivory teeth : and 
all the catalogue of graces may now be pur- 
chased,^— not only hair can be added, and 
ringlets given, but superfluous hair can 
easily be removed. We will illustrate the 
foregoing remarks, by a few public Adver- 
tisements : 



No. 1. 
I'o the Ladies. — At a time when Beauty constitutes 
the prominent feature in the British Court, which has 
obtained universal admiration, every exertion should cer- 
tainly be made to preserve that estimation which has 
been so justly acquired, and, if possible, to add an addi- 
tional lustre to it. SUPERFLUOUS HAIRS have 
been considered as one of the greatest blemishes in a 
female face. ALFRED'S ROYAL COMPOSITION, 
universally esteemed at the Court of France, at the time 
of its greatest splendour, and first prepared for the 
beautiful Antoinette, is earnestly recommended to the 
Ladies of this country, for effectually eradicating all su- 
perfluous hairs from the face, arms, See. without inju- 
ry to the skin, or causing the least unpleasant sensation. 



No. 2. 
LADIES, from the consequence of indiscretion, de- 
sirous of a temporary retirement, may be accommoda- 



76 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

ted with a furnished house, or apartments in town, or 
its vicinity ; and every requisite appendage for the 
month, or any time previous to it, according to circum- 
stances, by an experienced midwife, whose honour^ hu- 
manity^ tenderness^ and secresy may be safely confided 
in ; and whose advice and friendship, if early sought^ 
may be productive of unexpected benefit and the means 
oi Jirocuring refiutation iinsidlied. 

Apply at Pleasant-row, Punter's Viiley, Mrs. Gripe 
on the doer. 

Though so many good things are volunr 
tarily offered to the public ; and though it 
seems a practice with advertisers to antici- 
pate all the wants of mankind, yet there are 
many of these not yet satisfactorily supplied, 
as will be seen by the following list : 

Wanted— -by several young ladies — good husbands. 

Wanted — by several old maids, ditto. 

Wanted — to pay a debt of honour — thirty thousand 
pounds ; an annual premium will be given. 

Wanted — by several gentlemen — sincerity : and by 
many ladies — resolution. 

Wanted — by several ^^7e gentlemen — money — they 
will give their notes for security. 

Wanted — by the manager of a Theatre — pretty aC' 
tresses. — And by another manager, sound-lung'd bel- 
lowing actors. 

Wanted by several self-mfjicient gentlemen, commor. 
seme. 



*' THE WAY TO GET MARRIEED." 77 

Wanted — ^by several authors of benrjit farces— ^'t/c^g*- 
ment. 

Wanted— by a bookseller, an editor, who has a com- 
mon place-book filled with new -fashioned puffs — If some 
of them will also apply to the lottery, he shall be addi- 
tionally paid. 

Wanted — by a regular bred Surgeon — a man, and 
woman, in remote parts of the country, who vvill make 
affidavits, and write particular cases of having ob- 
tained radical cures from certain disorders — by means 
of Essence of Broad-rum. 

Wanted, by a methodist preacher — common sense, 
and honesty. 

Wanted, by the Ministry — ^liumihty. 

Wanted, by the Opposition, — places. 

Wanted — by Englishmen, — peace. 



The following advertisement will tend to 
elucidate the proverbial phrase, that " old 
fools are the worst of fools." 

No. 3. 
MATRIMONY. 
A GENTLEMAN rather ^wrweJ above the middle- 
age, and possessing an independent annual income, 
wishes to change his condiiion with a Lady or Gentle' 
vjoniaH of his suitable age, and unincumbered, whose 
wishes agree with his, and who is possessed of £0001. 
or upwards, or has a yearly income adequate to such a 
sum ; as the Advertiser's income is much superior to 



78 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

such a sum, or yearly income : the Advertiser's repu- 
tation will bear every reasonable enquiry ; and as a 
junction for life mayprove of happy import to both par- 
ties, it is requested that none will answer this, whose 
reputation will not bear an equal scrutiny. 

A line addressed to T. M. with appointment at any 
central and convenient place, will meet prompt attention. 
None but such address, with appointment, will meet 
with any attention. 



No. 4. 

TO TRADESMEN AND OTHERS UNDER 
TEMPORARY DIFFICULTIES. 

A person who can at all times command large sums 
of Money, is willing to assist Tradesmen labouring un- 
der temporary difficulties, (provided circumstances are 
made to appear satisfactory upon an interview, with the 
Party) either by the negociating of paper, or making 
advances in any other way that may be deemed eligi- 
ble. The advertiser wishes it to be understood that he 
is not unmindful of his own Interest, and, from expe- 
rience in the mercantile world, is capable of giving ad- 
vice where it is necessary. As it would be highly im* 
proper to say too much in an address of this nature, a 
line directed for A. B. C. (to the care of Robert, the 
waiter,) at the New York Coffee-house, Sweeting's- al- 
ley, will meet with immediate attention, and secresy, 
and an interview appointed. 

No letters unless post paid will be received. 



" essence" or NONSENSE ! ! 79 

No. 5. 
WANTED, for Guineas ; All clean, and clever, 
Coarse stout Callico : A good quantity : Wide 22, or 
44 inches. Please to send Samples ! 
JEHOVAH-nissi. 
Much Point, in Few Lines : 
Morning Chronicle, Tuesday, Nov. 7. 1797. 
BALSAM OF FINE GOLD, for the King's Evil, and 
another ill; rather more common. Also, swelling knee 
Billy's Maladay : Abscess, Fistula : and spasmodic 
heart. — Does not make folks mad, nor weaken people ; 
as some poisons do ; But invigorates : most surprising- 
ly.— Invented, prepared, and applied, by MASTER 
VON BUTCHER : The Anatomist. 

Advice, New Guinea. Fee is given first. Do no' 
ken bad Notes : or Evil Dollars : ai wi* no* tak' em. 
Come from ten till one : (seven days a week :) for he 
goes to none. 

FEE, is Two per Cent. — on Five Years Profit. 

All the Money down.— Before I begin. 

ANANIAS, Fell I— Dead : For KEEPING Back » 

a Wilt — Thou — be— Made — whole ? 

WE ALTHY Advocate?— COUNCIL TO THE KINGl 

Do net stay too late I— Soon be glad, and sing I 

F1STUL.E— and— PILES, 

^ Leave no Track behind : — But a Grateful Mind.** 

Mine — is now made up '.—Unless thou bringest, 

Two Thousand Guineas, — Voluntarily 

I — m ay — not— cu re — t he« . 

M. V. BUTCHER. 
Son of a Briton ; knows his Consequence. 
So does John Hodges : A Gun-Engraver : Number 29, 
m Liquor-pond-?treet : Works for the Man tons. 



80 PLEASURES or HUMAN LIFE. 

Having amply illustrated the essence of 
Modern Newspapers, we shall close the 
present dissertation with a concise iiistori- 
cal view of this class of publications. 

An investigation and developcment of 
the origin, progress, and history of all lit- 
erary journals^ whether diurnal or other- 
wise periodical, would prove extremely in- 
teresting to the philologer ; as such a dis- 
quisition would serve to delineate the pro- 
gress of knowledge, the amelioration of so- 
ciety, and the expansion of intellect. The 
present period is, perhaps, more propitious 
to such an undertaking than any former, 
for now the spirit of enquiry and research 
seems to pervade the literary world, and ev- 
ery reflecting mind requires demonstrative 
evidence or fact. To tliis spirit we are in- 
debted for maay substantial worki, and it is 
this spirit that has suggested new literary 
journals. What extraordinary dillerences 
in the state of literature do wc behrVid be- 
tween the years 1700 and 1800 '? At the for- 
mer period only a few* periodical papers 

• In 1695 there uas not one daibj paper pv;blishcti, 
tl^oagh if appeii "s Ly aa adverlisemeiU in the Athenian 
Gazette, that nineioeckly newspapers were then printed. 



HISTORV OF NEWSPAPE"RS. 81 

were known, though at the latter there were 
se'oenty-four Reviews, Magazines, and 
Newspapers, published in the British mi- 
tropoUs^ besides eighty -four weekly newspa- 
pers issued in the country. When we re- 
flect on the genius and learning employed in 
this vast mass of literary intelligence, and 
take into consideration the number of per- 
sons deriving amusement, instniction, and 
subsistence from the same source, we feel 
an association of ideas astonishing and de- 
lightful. We find ourselves ennobled and 
exalted by the comparison ; for as literature 
is the high-road to knowledge, that must be 
travelled with more safety and ease, when it 
abounds with accommodations, is kept in 
tolerable good order, and is provided with 
various vehicles for conducting the travel- 
ler to the end of his journey. 

The ingenious Mr. D'Israeli has stated, 
that the^^r^^ literary journal SLcquirtd its or- 
igin in France. It was entitled ** Journal 
des Scavans,^^ and the first number was pub- 
lished on 30th of May, 1665. But previ- 
ous to this period we shall find some news- 
papers, he, i^ulAishtd in England ; and ac- 



82 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

cording to a passage in Tacitus, it appears, 
that a sort of Manuscript Newspaper was 
circulated in the Roman states, for the pur- 
pose of communicating public intelligence 
to the soldiers and people. 

In a note to Mr. Murphy's interesting 
translation of Tacitus, he regrets the loss of 
these diunials (or newspapers,) as they 
probably would contain many curious par- 
ticulars relating to the private life and man- 
ners of the ostentatious Romans. 

Tie first newsi^aper, published in England, 
is dated July 28, 1588. It is called The 
English Mercury, a copy of which is pre- 
served in the British Museum. Another pri- 
vate newspaper, entitled The Weekly Cou- 
RANT, was printed in London, 16^, and in 
1639 appeared one by Robert Baker, New- 
casde. The next was called ** Diurnal Oc 
currences of Parliaments'^'* Nov. 1641 : this 
was succeeded by the Mercuries, which appear 
to have commenced with the Mercurius 
Rustic us , or, the Countrie^s Complaint of the 
barbarous outrages began in the year 1642, 
by the &^QX2iX\i^^ oi X\\\^ once flourishing king- 



NEWSPAPERS. 83 

dom^ &c. This journal of horrid outrages, 
(the effects of violent revolutionists) was edited 
by Bruno Ry ves, and is said to have been orig- 
inally published in **one, and sometimes two 
sheets quarto," commencing on the 22d of 
August, 1642. It has since gone through 
four editions, the last published in 1723, with 
a curious frontispiece, representing a kind of 
Dutch Mercury in the centre, and ten other 
compartments, with fancied views of places, 
where some of the diabolical scenes were 
acted. 

The Mercttrius Aulicus was publish- 
ed at Oxford by Berkenhead, in January, 
1642. This was continued in a weekly 
quarto sheet, until about the end of 1645, 
after which time it only made an occasional 
appearance.* 

Some other papers of this kind were pub- 
lished with the following titles : — Mercuri- 
usBritannicus, communicating the affairs 
of Great Britain, for the better information 
of the people, by Marchmont Needham." 



Athena Oxoniepsis, Vol. 2, p. 640, 



84 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

"Mercurius PRAGMATicus,"by thesarric 
pen. **Mercurius PoLiTicus" appeared 
every Wednesday, in two sheets, quarto, com- 
mencing on the 9th of June> 1649, and ending 
on the 6th of June, 1656, when the editor 
recommenced with a new series of numbers, 
and continued till the middle of April, 1660. 
At this time an order from the council of 
State prohibited the paper, and Henry Mud- 
diman and Giles Dury were authorized to 
publish the news, every Monday and Thurs- 
day, in the '* Paliamentary Intelligencer and 
Mercurius Politicus.''^ In 1663, Sir Roger 
L'Estrange commenced two political journals 
in behalf of the Crown, entitled, " The Pub- 
lic Intelligencer, ' ' and ' ' The News. ' ' These 
were published twice a week, in quarto sheets ; 
the first commencing on the '*31st of Au- 
gust," and the other on the 3d of September, 
1663. The Gazette^ seems to have super- 
ceded these, for L 'Estrange discontinued his 
papers upon the appearance of the Oxford 



* Mr. Walpole observes, that " Renaudot, a physi- 
cian, first published at Paris, in 1631, a Gazette^ so cal- 
led from gazetto, a coin- of Venice paid for the reading 
©f manuscript new^/* 



NEWSPAPERS. i5 

Gazette, ("Nov. the 7th, 1565.) It obtain- 
ed this appellation in consequence of the En- 
glish Parliament being then held at Oxford, 
The king and his court returning to the me- 
tropolis, was accompanied by the official pa- 
per, which has retained the name of *' The 
London Gazette,^ ^ from the 5th of Feb. 1666, 
to the present tinie. The first daili/ paper ^ 
after the Revolution, was called " The Or- 
ange Intelligencer ; " and from that time to 
the present, we observe a progressive aug- 
mentation in the numbers and quality of 
Newspapers. 

To conclude our nan-ative of Newspapers, 
we shall avail ourselves of Dr. Johnson's sen- 
timents on this subject. In the 30th Num- 
ber of the Idler, he observes — **No species 
of literary men has lately been so much mul- 
tiplied as the writers of news. Not many 
y-cars ago the nation was content with one 
Gazette ; but now we have not only in the 
metropolis, papers for every morning and ev- 
ery evening, but almost every large town has 
its weekly historian, who regulariy circulates 
his periodical intelligence, and fills the villa- 
ges of his district with conjectures on the 
I 2 



86 PLEASURES OF HUMAN" LIFE. 

events of war, and with debates on the true 
interest of Europe. 

*^ To write News in perfection requires 
such a combination of qualities, that a man 
completely fitted for the task is not always to 
be found. In Sir Henry Wotton's jocular 
definition, '^n Ambassadors'^ is said to be 'a 
man of virtue sent abroad to tell lies for the 
advantage of his country ; a news-writer is a 
man without virtue^ who writes at home for 
his own profit,'* 

* ' In time of war the nation is always of 
one mind, eager to hear something good of 
themselves, and ill of the enemy. At diis 
time the task of News- writers is easy : they 
have nothing to do but to tell that a batde is 
expected, and afterwards that a battle has been 
fought, in which we and our friends, whether 
conquering or conquered, did ally and our 
enemies did nothing, "^^ 



87 

DISSERTATION IV. 

PLEASURES OF LITERATURE. 

Puffings Magazines f Reviews j Criticism, 

Newspapers are the chartered vehicles 
of puffing, and they are latterly tolerably well 
filled with this sort of lumber. As we have 
not yet attained the achme of perfectibility,* 
and as much credulity still exists in this en- 
lightened nation, there are a set of persons 
who obtain not only their livelihood, but great 
fortunes, by preying upon the weakness and 
ignorance of their fellow-creatures. As the 
latter are rather of the goose-ish species, the 
former may be classed with the eagle tribe r 



* It has been a favourite theory, or reverie, of some 
authors and orators, to contend, that human nature will 
attain absolute perfection ; and that the organization of 
society must ultimately arrive at perfectibility. Read- 
er, if you do not clearly understand this, we must re- 
fer you to several works that were published soon after 
the amiable Thomas Paine cabbaged his <^ Hig/Ks of 
Man,** 



88 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

and, though they seldom soar into the higher 
regions of wisdom, yet they are often seen 
hovering in the midway tract of cunning. 
Like the fox^ they have many artful ways to 
seduce their prey ; yet that most generally 
practised, is known by the name of, Puff. 
This name, like that of Proteus, does not 
plainly define any one thing ; for the former, 
like the latter, is incessantly changing. To- 
day it appears on a hackney-coach ;^ yesterday 
it was seen in a small hand-bill against a wall ; 
and, at another time, it may be recognised at 
the corner of a street, in the shape of an illu- 
minated tin box. Sometimes it is squeezed 
into the lutnber- corner of a News-paper, at 
another time it occupies the front row ; and 
sometimes it appears in the shape of a portrait, 
or a pretty picturesque view of a gentleman's 
scat.t 



* The era of this invention is defined : and may be 
decidedly d^ted January, 1807. In this month the 
lottery offices engaged an old hackney-coach, which 
they covered with haiid-hWls and arm-h\\U (i, e. bills too 
long for the hand) and directed the coaphman to drive 
it throvigh Londoi^ street?, day softer day. 

t There are gentlemen, or rather men of property^ 



PUFFS ! 89 

*^ Puffs," says Mr. Sheridan, in the Critic, 
** are of various sorts : the principal are, the 
Puff Direct, the Puff Preliminary, 
the Puff Collateral, the Puff Collu- 
sive, and the Puff Oblique, or puff by 
implication. These all assume, as circum- 
stances may require, the various forms of 
Letter to the Editor — Occasional Anecdote—^ 
Impartial Critique — Observationfrom Corres- 
pondent— ^ Advertisement from the Party.,'*'' &c. 

Since the birth- day of Mr. Sheridan's Crit- 
ic, the Science of Puffing has been greatly 
improved, amazingly diversified, and highly 
enriched. Mr. Puff was certainly a very 
clever practitioner in this profession, but the 
efforts of rnodern genius have completely 
eclipsed his most studied effusions. At the 
time when the Spectators were overlooking 
the vices and follies of the times, puffing was 
confined to the auction room ; but it has since 
grown into a regular business, and there arc 



who have drawings and engravings made of their own 
heads, or of their houses, for the purpose of giving 
away. These are sometimes stuck before the title of 
« book) and sometimes stitched up in magaziues, 



VO PLEASURES or HUMAN LIFE. 

some persons who seem to have served an 
apprenticeship to it. In some houses, there 
is one clerk constantly employed in this line : 
and in two or three large firms, where there 
are several partners, one of them has the 
exclusive management of this department. 
Though lottery speculators and empirics are 
the great heroes m this science, yet certain 
booksellers have lately preferred their claims 
in this eventful field of honour. But it may- 
be held as an unexceptionable rule — 

That wherever there is much puff* 
ing, there is little talent : and 
where every thing is recommended 
as excellent, there is scarcely one 
thing entitled to that phrase. 

Bad articles require to be gilded ; but the 
productions of genuine merit are when 

«< UnadomM, adorn*d the most." 

Since Newspapers are so numerous, and 
the proprietors, and all persons employed on 
them, have to obtain a livelihood or a fortune 
frpm them, it is not at all surprising that 



HINTS TO J»UPF WRITERS. ©1 

they should generally be the vehicles of puffs. 
In these journals, it is no uncommon thing 
to find roguery whitewashing itself, and vil- 
lany drawing a false portrait of its own person, 
to seduce mankind, and deceive the unwaiy. 

The following paragraphs are particularly 
recommended to the attention of the Editors 
of Newspapers, who may insert them in their 
light columns, among the fashionable intellu 
g€7ice: and, if the advertising tax gatherer de- 
mands his usual duty,* please to draw on H. 
Benevolus, and Co. at the publishers. 



Literary Gossipping — <* We heai'that sev- 
eral eminent wits have lately exercised their 
pens in descanting on the "Pleasures of Hu^ 
man Life ; and that some artists of the first- 
rate taste and talents are employed to embel- 
lish the poignantly satirical pages of that 
work." 



* It may not be generally known, that every para- 
graph of the nature of an advertisement, is charged, 
like the latter, with a duty of thrte shmngs. 



92 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIPEr 

How to puff your own Book, 

A CARD. 

HilarisBenevolus &: Co. respectfully 
acquaint the Literati in particular, and the 
public in general, that ** The Pleasures of 
Human Life^^ will be ready for delivery on the 
21st day of February, 1807; but, from the 
vast number of orders already received, it is 
feared they cannot supply the whole demad in 
the^r^^ edition : a second is therefore printing, 
and will be ready for publication in the course 
of three weeks at farthest. 



It is whispered in the literary circles, that 
*'The Pleasures of Human Life'''* promises 
to exceed ii> popularity the *' Miseries^ Sec.'* 



A Shocking Accident, — Yesterday, lady 

C , and her three amiable daughters, 

visited the Bank of England, and demanded 
gold for a five hundred pound bank-note. In 
returning, the carriage stopped at the end of 



PUFF COLLUSIVE ! 95 

Paternoster row : and, while the footman 
was going to Longman and Co.'s for three 
copies of the popular book, *^ The Plea- 
sures OF Human Life," the horses took 
fright, ran away with the carriage, and over- 
set it going down Skinner-street. Though 
the vehicle w^as dashed to pieces, w^e are 
happy to state, that the lovely ladies escaped 
without sustaining any material injury. 



Two or three other specimens of puffing 
fnot our own J will serve to show that much 
ingenuity, wzV, and originality are occasion- 
ally exercised in this style of composition. 
The examples will amply illustrate them- 
selves, and therefore do not require any elu- 
cidatory notes. 

A Gentleman, distinguished for rozVand humour, ob- 
served, the other evening, " th'at the appuoaching 12;A 
Daij was put off to the \oth January.^* ''How so?" 
cried one of the company. " Why, Sir, (replied the 
Humourist,) Fortune will begin to divide, on the latter 
day, the richest Cake ever known, of which the first 
slice will be worth 20,0001. nay, possibly 50,0001.'* 
There was ti uth and point in X.\\\%jeu cV esprit ; and it is 
not unworthy the attention of all who have not yet be* 
K 



94 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 



come Candidates for the numerous and immense Prizes 
in the Lottery, which now stands so near at issue. 



An Eclipse. — This day an eclipse of an extraordi- 
nary nature may be seen by the inhabitants of London, 
during which darkness wilFbe truly visible ; it may be 
viewed to advantage in Hyde Park should the weather 
permit, where the feet of every Beauty will convince 
the admiring spectator that Fawcett's Brilliant 
Fluid eclipses every rival Blacking. 



It is not uncommon to hear people observe, that 
such and such a person "jumped into a fortune .'* The 
next month will be productive of a very considerable 
number of instances of this description, in consequence 
of the momentous Lottery Scheme, which so speedily 
stands at issue. Indeed, such as are not induced to try 
to make a " fortunate leap," on an occasion when the 
wheel of the wealth-giving Dame possesses so many 
great Prizes, with two at the head of 30,0©0I. each, it 
is difficult to say what rich temptation can operate on 
Ihem with more effect. 



Immense Wealth. — The talents of adventurers 
have, in all ages, been employed in numerous specula- 
tions in pursuit of this desirable attainment. In the 
sixteenth century, several of the most considerable fam- 
ilies in France expende<i vast sums in chemical endea- 



** THE WAY TO WEALTH." 95 

vours to discover the philosopher's stone, which it was 
expected, would convert all metdls into silver and gold ; 
but how exultingly must the many thousands of the 
present day, who are now enjoying the pleasures of op- 
ulence, gained by a very small risk in the Lottery, con- 
template the insufficient attempts of their predeces- 
sors : and with what pleasure must every one perceive 
that the present State Lottery, whicli begins Drawinp; 
the 13th of January, will aTord them the chance, by 
the purchase of a single Ticket, of gaining the enor- 
mous sum of Sixty Thousand Pounds. 



I 



Such are some of the ingenious tricks 
daily employed through the medium of the 
public papers, to awaken curiosity, and stim- 
ulate the babbling tongue to conversation. 
But all these are far surpassed in originality, 
genius, and point by the following poetical 
hand-bill, ^vhich w^as written by the ingeni- 
ous Mr. Bisset, of Birmins:ham : 



95 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

IMSTEJD OF 

A FARCE, 

When the French are laid low, 

AND 

BRITONS TRIUMPHANT 

Have vanguish^d the FOE 1 

Returning fi-om CONQUEST-.-tbcy*ll all do their Duty, 
And join with their Monarch and each Briihh Beauty ! 
To Heaven a Tribute of incense they'll raise. 
Ascribing- to GOD — all the Honour and Praise ! 

TE DRUM 

With Fervor, by Old and by Young, 
In all Brituh Churches — with Zeal will be sung-. 

AND THF.N, TO CONCLUDK, 

All our brave Volunteers, 

UILL JOIN 

ENGLISH SAILORS 

IN 

THREE LOYAL CHEERS !, 

THE WHOLE 

BRITISH EMPIRE 

In CHORUS idll Sing, 

The Blessings of Freedom ! 

AND 

"- God Save the King !'' 



Tickets to be had at the Author's Museum, Birmiixgharn 



'^ 



( 97 ) 



MAGAZINES, AND REVIEWS. 

Next to Newspapers, the above works may 
be said to constitute the most popular class 
of reading ; not even excepting the insipid^ 
illiterate, and tasteless novel. The history 
of Magazines wath their aggregate and re- 
lative characteristics, may be pretty easily 
defined ; for there are persons still living 
who remember the time when Xh^Jirst of 
them made its appearance in England. In 
17S1, Mr. Edward Cave com.menced the 
Gentleman^s Magazine, which, according to 
Dr. Kippis, may be considered as constitu- 
ting *' a new epocha in the literary history, 
of this country. The periodical perform- 
ances before that time were almost wholly 
confined to political transactions, and to 
foreign and domestic occurrences ; but the 
Monthly Magazines have opened a way for 
every kind of enquiry and information. 
The intelligence and discussion contained 
in them are very extensive and various ; and 
they have been the means of diffusing a 
general habit of reading through the nation, 
which^ in a certain degree, hath enlarged 

K 2 



98 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

ttie public understanding. Many young 
authors, who have afterwards risen to con- 
siderable eminence in the literary world, 
have here made their first attempts in com-, 
position."* 

Soon after the Gentleman's, appeared the 
London Magazine : and, though the latter 
has long been discontinued, the former still 
flourishes ; and, what is very unusual, ap- 
pears as strong in its old age as in its infan- 
cy. In the year 1739 appeared the first 
number of " the Scots Magazine,^ ^ at Ed- 
inburgh ; and this work, we believe, is 
still in the progress of publication. 

That this branch of literature tends to, 
elucidate and confirm the title of this dis- 
sertation, must be admitted : and, as it 
clearly appears from the above statement, 
compared with the following list of Monthly 
Publications, that the present age is thirty- 
nine times more prolific ; it may be fairly 
inferred, that u^e are thirty-nine times more 



*- Biographia Britannica— Article Cave. 



CRITICAL CONSTABLES . 99 

learned, more enlightened, and more happy y, 
than the poor illiterate people ot 1731. 
Another inference may be deduced from 
the comparison, that as 2ifew writers then- 
were slaves to, others,, now thousands are 
slaves to their own wild theories and preju- 
dices ; for a very few years back, the pub- 
lic was precluded from a knowledge of the 
debates, See, in parliament, which now con- 
stitutes one of John Bull's greatest, plea- 
sures ; vi^hereas this subject forms a lead^ 
ing and attracting feature in the Newspa- 
pers, ^md other periodical works of the 
present age. 

By the following lojtg list of Magazines, 
and Reviews now publishing in London, the 
reader may see, at one view, what a quan- 
tity of learning and labour is periodically em- 
ployed in these works ; and, from the num- 
ber of the latter,, with reviewing maga- 
zines,* he may conclude that criticism con- 



*Those Magazines distinguished by a * have a cer- 
tain poition of their pages appropriated to a critical 
r>; view of books, Sec. Thus, where there is so much 
laudable competition and rivah'y, the purchaser maf 
Confidently expect .e;rce//ewcc. 



100 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

stitutes a much- coveted pleasure of litera- 
ture. A foreigner, not well acquainted with 
these works, ica<!i\ fancy , that where there are 
so many critical constables^ the republic of 
letters must be well regulated, and admira- 
bly guarded ; — some persons may, howev- 
er, draw a different conclusion, and say, 
that where so may public censors are requir- 
ed, there must be much public vice. 

MAGAZINES,. 

S, d. 

The Athen^um* 2 

Agricultural Magazine .... 1 6 

Britannic Mag 10 

Botanical Mag 3 

Christian Observer .....10 



* Though this is the last ?»Iagazme published, (i. e. 
the newest) it is the Jirst and only one, that has an- 
nounced the name of its Editor, Dr. Aikin ; as the 
Annual Review, by A. Aikin, is the only critical 
work that manifests the same judicious liberality. 
When men of tnlent and integrity thus sanction such 
works, they certainly have stronger claims on our con- 
fidence, and are more entitled to our patronage, than 
t^Jf^rfloJi^^il^ii.J^^|d^ll^sJ^^c^P;U.^^ piibJications of tlus kiiKl 
were formerly. .-r.inWo'x'^ Jo-^v^-- 



MAGAZINES. 101 

S* d. 

^Evangelical Mag. ..... 6 

^European Mag ..16 

^f^Gentleman's Mag 16 

Gospel Mag 9 

^Literary Recreations .... 1 6 

^Literary Panorama 2 6 

Ladies Mag 10 

^Ladies Museum 10 

*La Belle Assemblee 2 6 

^Le Beau Monde 2 6 

Medical and Physical Journal ..26 
* Monthly Repository of Theology and 

Literature 10 

Methodist Mag . 6 

^Monthly Mag 16 

^Monthly iMirror 16 

Naval Chronicle 2 6 

Naturalist's Miscellany .... 2 6 

Orthodox Churchman .... 1 6 

Philosophical Journal .... 2 6 

Philosophical Mag 2 6 

Repertory of Art§ and Manufactures 2 6 

Records of Literature 16 

Sporting Mag 16 

Theological and Biblical Mag. . . 6 

^Universal Mag. ..... . . 1 6 



102 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 



REVIEWS. 

/. S. d. 

Annual Review (a large volume) 110 
Anti- jacobin Review . . ; . . 2 6 

British Critic 2 6 

Critical Review 2 6 

Eclectic Review 16 

Edinburgh Review (quarterly) ,.50 
Literary Journal and Review ..26 

Monthly Review 2 6 

Medical and Surgical Review ..16 
Oxford Review ...... 26 



Merciful heaven ! ! — what a critical gaunt- 
let a poor devil of an author is obliged to 
run now-a-days ! What formidable crouds 
of Annual, Quarterly, Monthly, Weekly, 
and Daily Reviews he is obliged to pass and 
squeeze his way through, before he can fair- 
ly confront the public : and should he, at 
length, fortunately face this liberal and natu- 
rally-candid patron, he must appear under 
man}j» disadvantages — of scratched face, rag- 
ged clothes, or somehow bespattered. Thus 
assailed, and thus maltreated, he can scarce- 



THE critic's province. 103 

ly hold up his head ; and his mortified am- 
bition is often doomed '* to bite the dust." 
Many of these critical judges pass sentence 
before the jury has pronounced a verdict : 
and should the poor culprit ever demand a 
new trial, a similar summary process is 
adopted. Indeed, Gentlemen Reviewers, 
this is neither acting kindly nor charitably. 
Remember that an author, whether male or 
female, has feelings, and hopes, and fears : 
and that in proportion to the warmth of the 
heart, and sincerity of the head, are these 
operated on. In flogging and frightening 
such Sonnetteers as little Aiiacreon^ you are 
laudably and honourably employed. In 
hunting down a sporting Colonel, who may 
shoot game by licence, but who has neglect- 
ed to take out a licence for murdering and 
maiming the English language, you are in 
pursuit of fair game : in dosifig some of the 
anti-vaccinists,* you are likely to produce 



* For an impartial, learned, and able account of the 
books that have been published on this Subject, sec 
Edinburgh Review, No. XVIII. 



104 PLEASIfRRS or HUMAN LIFR. 

-a pleasing convalescence :* and in strongly, 
vigorously, and vehemently opposing every 
literary work that is manufactured by igno- 
rance, or pushed into notoriety by puffing 
impudence, you are fulfilling your duty as 
citizens of the world, and your official 
functions as critical judges. Respecting 
ourselves, we shall say but little, and would 



♦ Pleasures of Vaccination, 
— « Pox take it V* how ridiculous is the conduct of 
those cavillers who deny a fair trial to any probable 
improvement ! ! The anti-vaccinists seem to be of this 
order ; or, they may be said to be studients of the 
^^ Miserable" school ; and, having studied only the dis- 
figured subject, think, that beauty and rosy health are 
inimical to their profession. The fact is, S:mall Pox 
brings great business to the medical tribe ; and those 
who drive through the town for trade, don't like to be 
jostled by such a vulgar enemy as a co7i;-herd — thereby 
proving themselves co^y-ards. " Let's hunt vaccination 
out of society," has been, and still is, the cry of many ; 
but Philanthropy exclaims, " Fie on't I fie on't I are ye 
Englishmen ? and is this the nineteenth century, when 
one of the greatest blessings of life demands a fair trial, 
and you endeavour to bribe the judge and impose upon 
the jury ? I am really ashamed of such proceedings ! as 
they tend to degrade a country where I have purchased 
a considerable freehold, and where 1 hoped to be com- 
fortably settled for life." 



CHARACTER OF THIS WORK, 105 

recommend you to say still less. Not that we 
fear your lashes, or care for your pluadits ; 
but we cannot help thmking, that you may 
be more usefully employed. There are plenty 
of books for your notice, without this ; and 
many of them works of merit, that would 
do credit to your recommendations ; others 
so bad, that you would perform a public 
charity in castigating and exposing them. 
As for ours, it is like some of Doctor Cor- 
dial's prescriptions — quite harmless. It 
does not soar for the higher regions of fan- 
cy, nor will it creep in the kennels of grov- 
elling insipidity. It is not intended to in- 
form the scientific student, nor enlighten 
the exalted statesman : its purpose, indeed, 
wall be fully answered, if it detects and ex- 
poses one lurking folly, or makes a man or 
woman more happy in themselves, or tempts 
them to administer to the pleasures of others. 

With this meek humility of aspect, you 
Surely will not be so cruel as to crush him. 
Should you, however, deem it necessary to 
notice him in your annals, and feel disposed 
to be civil or partial, we will accommodate 
you with 

L 



106 FTEASURES OF HUMAN LITE, 

J few Critiques ready made. 

You need then only mark any passage 
which is most congenial to your own senti- 
ment, with one or two quotations from the 
beginning, middle, or end of the book ; send 
the whole to the printer, and we can confi- 
dentially say, that your review of it will be 
as impartial, explanatory, and erudite, as 
many that appear in certain Reviews and 
Magazines, which at present shall be — 
nameless. 

RECEIPTS FOR REVIEWING. 
Art. I. — The Pleasures, &c. 

Though it be rather beneath the dignity 
of our review to notice the ephemeral pro- 
ductions of the day, yet, from an accidental 
circumstance we w^ere tempted to take up 
the work above specified, and shall barely 
announce the title to our readers, with say- 
ing, that if it has not our unqualified appro- 
bation, we do not perceive that it contains 
much objectionable matter. Of rather a 
satyrical tendency, it embraces strictures on 
some of the prevailing vices and follies of 



RE€EIPTS FOR REVIEWING. 107 

the age ; and though the satire is not re- 
markable for its pungency, it is occasionally 
apposite. This, perhaps, our readers will 
perceive in the following passage, which w^e 
extract as a fair specimen of the work : 

\Extr act from page to page .] 



Art. II — .The Pleasures^ &c. 

In the present deplorable situation of af- 
fairs, it would certainly be an estimable ac- 
quisition to find pleasure any where. It 
surely cannot be found on the European 
Continent ; and taxed and oppressed as wc 
are in England, it is almost impossible to 
find comfort^ much less pleasure. In the 
fruitful plains of fancy, the poet may con- 
template imaginary bliss, and the writer of 
romance may describe felicity and perpetual 
sunshine : but we, who look at the country, 
and at man, with the unprejudiced eye of 
philosophy, cannot help deploring the miser- 
able state of the one, and degraded con- 
dition of the other. Thus circumstanced, 
we pity the authors of the work before us, 



108 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE, 

for sacrificing so much time in the vain and 
fruitless search after pleasure. Yet these 
sophists argue with some degree of ingenui- 
ty, '•' that' every man may be happy if he 
will." 

\^Ex tract from page to page .] 



Art. III. — The Pleasures, &c« 

The Man of Pleasure and the Woman of 
Pleasure are as opposite in their manners 
and pursuits, to the Philosopher and House- 
wife, as black and white, or good and evil. 
While one is seeking delight only through 
the medium of the grosser senses, the other 
is cultivating the garden of the mind, and 
enriching the store-house of intellect. 
Thus, whilst the one is calculated to bene- 
fit the world, the other is degrading his own 
species, and entailing misery on himself and 
family. After Akenside had successfully 
sung the Pleasures of Imagination, others 
tuned their lyres to the Pleasures of Memo- 
ry, of Hope, &cc. —Poets, indeed, will some- 
times adopt a system of the Booksellers, and 



LITERARY SPORTS. 109 

attract public curiosity by an adoption of 
some popular title ; thus hoping to arrest 
the eye, if not endeavoring to engage the 
mind. Pleasure may be considered as u 
species of game, in the pursuit of which ev- 
ery human being turns sportsman : and as 
in the sports of the field, so here, various 
kinds and qualities of game are to be found. 
While the Miser is hunting his money into 
cover, the Spendthrift is destroying his 
whole stock. In literature, also, there is 
much hunting, coursing, shooting, angling, 
and harpooning : but few of the sports come 
within our manor. It unfortunately falls to 
our lot to be mere whippers-in : and we 
shall close our present chase by exhibitijng 
the brush of the game here ** run in upon.'^- 

\_Ex tract about a pagejrom the end of the 
book. 2 



L 3 



110 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LITE. 

Directions to a Reviewer hov) to 'write 
a long and learned Critique about the 
Pleasures of Life ^ &c. 

First, examine your common-place book, 
dictionaries, and a few alphabetical glean- 
ings from celebrated authors, and thereby 
endeavour to ascertain what you have either 
written yourself, or any of your friends, on 
the same subject, or upon any point that 
collaterally coincides with it. Then des- 
cant freely and fully upon it ; and if you can 
contrive to glance at some part of the book 
under consideration it will be usefidi not 
that it is absolutely necessary. If you wish 
to display your o%vn reading and learning, 
quote freely from the most popular writers, 
and dilate with unrestrained freedom upon 
favourite topics. Do not select any pas- 
sages from the book under review, but such 
as will give you a fair opportunity to con- 
trovert, cut up, or pun upon. As for the 
feelings or reputation of the author, they are 
beneath your notice : you are to bear in mindp 
that nothing but roaring, thun'^ring criticism, 
will make a noise in the world, and without 



HOW REVIEWERS SHOULD WRITE, 111 

you can create a loud report, nobody will 
■buy, or talk about your review. Remem- 
ber that you are more directly interested in 
dispbying your o'mn talents, than in exhib- 
iting those of your authors ; and, that, as 
satire is more generally relished \h2ix1 praise^ 
you must exert all your powers in that spe- 
cies of literary artillery. A General will 
never obtain the exalted title of hero by ex- 
ercising charity or humanity : and you must 
never expect to shine in your profession, by 
candour, liberality, or discrimination. 



A TRUE CRITIC. 

**It has been advanced by Addison," ob- 
serves Dr, Johnson, in the 93d No. of his 
Rambler, **as one of the characteristics of a 
TRUE Critic, that he points out beauties ^ 
rather than /^w//^. But it is rather natural 
for a man of learning and genius, to apply 
himself to the study of writers who have 
more beauties than faults to be displayed ; 
for the duty of Criticism is neither to depre- 
ciate, nor dignify by partial representations^ 
but to hold out the light of reason, w^hatcver 



112 PLEASUBES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

it may discover; and to promulgate the dc 
terminations of truth, whatever she shall 
dictate.'* 



( 113 ) 

DISSERTATION V. 

PLEASURES OF LAW. 

JSx/iounded with Brevity, and discussed fihilosofihically. 

We have already intimated, that there is 
much Wit in the Law : this we shall en- 
deavour to exemplify in the sequel; for, de- 
termined to find pleasure in every thing, 
we may, by exercising this disposition, 
strike a spark of wit out of any hard sub- 
stance ; and most people are willing to ad- 
mit that the law is hard enough. All per- 
sons allow that law has its l/ses,^ and some 
have feelingly proved that it has its plea- 
sures. Now the good maxim of the poet, 
is quod medicorum est promittunt medici; 
let doctors alone for giving physic, and 
writing on medicine : and the corresponding 
axiom of the law is cuiquam in sua arte pC'-> 



* See Bacon on Uses: and the Statute of tJses. Of 
the lattei> Lord Chancellor Hardwick spoke very fa- 
vourably, though its principal merit consisted in 
changing three ivord^ in the form of a conveyanc?^ 



114 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

rito credendum est ; which means, very 
nearly, *' let the cobler stick to his last, and 
not talk of what he does not understand." 
Before, therefore, we ventured to pronounce 
authoratively, that any pleasure can be ex- 
tracted from Law, as bees suck honey from 
flowers, and donkies feed upon thistles, 
which little boys foolishly think are fit only 
to sting them, wx determined to proceed by 
rule, to lay our case before a lawyer, and 
take the opinion of counsel ; and then fair- 
ly undertake to prove to all the world, that 
Law, which has hitherto been considered 
only as a necessary evil, is a positive good, 
and productive of pleasure. In this, we 
know, that we differ from the profound au- 
thor of the History of John Bull,* who ex- 
pressly entitles Law a bottomless-Pit ; there- 
by insinuating, that it is like a hell upon 
earth to be in Law, and that all those who 
are engaged in the Law are no better than 
devils incarnate. That learned author, 



• Dean Swljc must have been a profound as well as an 
elegant author, since he wrote a treatise, peri'bathou&y 
©n the profcuad, or the art of sinking. 



PORTRAIT OF A GOOD LAWYER. 115 

though a pious man, was, however, very 
much of a cynic, and sprung from a branch 
of the Testy family, grafted upon the ancient 
stock of the Crab trees. Besides, we do not 
therefore intend to be circumscribed by 
one, who from a witty man has long be- 
come a grange man, and shall pay no more 
obedience to him than his own Jack did to 
the Anathemas of Lord Peter.* 

We went, therefore, to consult our Law» 
yer, who is one of our corporation, and 
though a Lawyer, is very honest, plain- 
spoken sort of a man. He is, it is true, the 
least mirthful, and perhaps the most cyni- 
cal, of our whole body. His face has some- 
thing severe in it, together with a penetra- 
tion and austerity in his eyes, starting from 
under a dark beetle-brow, that, were it not 
for an occasional pair of spectacles, by 
which they are somewhat hidden, would 
give but little token of the benignity of his 
character, or the pleasure which he derives 
from his profession. He is somewhat like 
a late iron-faced Chancellor, who had no- 



• See Swift's Tale of a Tub — a truly lusorical work. 



116 PLEASURES OF HUMAK LIFE. 

thing about him iron, except his coimte- 
nance, and perhaps his wig, which was a 
sort of Iron grey, and which, as well as his 
honest, plain, blunt manners, may be said to 
have appeared a little rusty in court where 
fawning and insincerity take place of every 
thing genuine and true-hearted, and where, 
even in this iron age^ gold carries every thing 
before it. Like this truly- venerable charac- 
ter, our friend wears, under a somewhat 
rough outside, a really benevolent heart ; 
and, though he sometimes can't help growl- 
ing at " the Lavjs delay ^^"^ as well as at the 
follies and the vices of mankind, with both 
of which, being a lawyer, he is in no small 
degree acquainted, he has a kind feeling for 
the frailties, and an earnest desire for the fe- 
licity of his fellow-beings. 

To such a man, therefore, we could not 
do better than to apply, through Doctor 
Specific, who besides being an old college 
acquaintance, claims some degree of kin- 
dred, that is kindred of degree with him, 
since both are Doctors, the one L. L. D. 
F.R.S. A.S.S. ; the other, M.D. F.R.S. and 
Coll. Reg. Med. Soc. The Doctor, also, 



100,000 rats! ! ! 117 

being well acquainted with the formalities of 
consultation, upon a difficult, that is, a bad 
or desperate case, communicated the object 
of our mission, and put to him the following 
plain question, or simple query; — <' Wheth- 
er law has its pleasures ; and if it hath, what, 
and how many they are ; and if not, why 
not ?"* This lucid manner of questioning 

* Such of our readers as may doubt the propriety of 
this form of interrogation, and may not have read a bill 
in Chancery, we refer to the files of the court, where 
they will find much entertainment. There is a hu- 
morous account current among the profession, of a bill 
filed against an architect, for the building a granary so 
defectively, that a great quantity of rats got in and ate 
up the corn. It first charges that divers, to v/it, 
100,000 rats, 100,000 mire, 100,000 grey rats, 100,000 
black rats, 100,000 white mice, and 100,000 grey mice, 
together with divers, to wit, 100^000 dormice, through 
divers holes, chinks, crannies, apertiires, and other pla- 
ces, did penetrate, insinuate themselves, gain admission, 
and get into the said barn, See. and then it requires in 
the interrogotaries to the said bill, that the said defend- 
ant should, in his answer, more particularly answer and 
set forth whether any and what number of rats, mice, 
and dormice, (ringing the changes on each as above) 
did get in, through the said chinks, and crannies, or 
otherwise, and eat up and consume, any and what quan- 
tity of the corn and grain therein being ; and if not, 
vjhy not ? is'c. 



118 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

his friend, the doctor had lately learned from 
a bill in Chancery, in the course of a cause 
in which he had been examined to prove the 
sanity of a very charitable patient of his, who 
having six or seven fine children, which he 
ought to have provided for, though he never 
onjoned them, died and left his whole fortune 
to the Asylum, for orphan children ; and the 
Magdalen, or penitentiary house for reform- 
ing prostitutes. To both of these Institu- 
tions, he had been ostensibly, or rather os- 
tentatiously, a governor, and, perhaps, se- 
cretly, a promoter, by providing divers ob. 
jects, both for the one, and the other. 

To this sage query, our Counsellor, sav- 
ing, and reserving to himself, all, and all 
manner of exceptions (by which scientific 
mode of response, he preserved the form of 
an answer in Chancery;) for his answer 
thereto, nevertheless in that behalf answer- 
ing said, as follows.—*' Why, friend Specif 
ic, if I had not before known thee to be a 
Doctor, that is, a Medical Doctor, or as 
you say, a medical man, I should have 
known by your question, that you are not a 
Doctor of La^Sy or though polite enough 



PLEAS-ANT FELLOW 119 

to be a chil Doctor, are not practised in our 
Courts, or read in our Law authorities. 
For had you run through Cokexx^on Lyttlc- 
ton^ (and you know Coke has as little of 
wit as a burnt coal, technically called Coke^ 
has of flame, and therefore can't be suppos- 
ed to joke) hath put all that matter at rest 
long ago ; for in that immortal and amus- 
ing work, he has most clearly proved, by 
the plainest etymology possible, that plac- 
ita pleas, which are the very foundation of 
all Law proceedings, are so called, *' quia 
bene placitare^ ante omnia bene placet,''^ 
*' because good pleas are pleasing above all 
things." So that, according to this irre- 
frageable doctrine, the ** common pleas, ^^ 
where you think the Serjeants do nothing 
but drone, and, at the best, now a days 
make sad patch- work of wit, and humour, 
is the most pleasing spot on earth ; and a 
special pleader, whom the vulgar think the 
dullest of all dull quibblcrs, is really a very 
pleaS'^nt fellow. Of this latter gentleman, 
indeed, the world begins to know a little, 
since the publication of the pleasant poem, 
called '' The Pleader"* s Guide, ^K\v\\\ch, if you 
have not read, I intrcat you to purchase im- 



120 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LITE. 

mediately ; and you will laugh more in one 
^minute, involuntarily, than you can laugh, 
if you would, at all the real miseries of hu- 
man life. The special pleader I would ven- 
ture to prove, has more of fancy, more of 
the true poetic fiction, than all our modern 
poets put together ; for scarcely one thing 
that he says in all his declarations^ is true to 
the fact ; though he takes every thing that 
he does not mean to rely upon by protesta- 
tion,'^ which is a little preposterous, and 
concludes his pleas with " hoc paratus est 
verijicare,^^ or, '* this he is ready to verify." 
As to the iDhen and the ivhcre, it is true 
he puts you off with an et cetera,^ This, 



* When a party in pleading has selected a single 
point upon which to rest his bar or plea, he is often o- 
bliged to insert what is called a protestation on some 
other fact that might otherwise be taken against him, 
and wliich Coke pithily and quaintly calls an " exclu- 
sion of a conclusion ;'* but that which he takes, as it is 
called by protestation, he is never put to prove, and it is 
of no avail, unless the issue on the bar or material 
plea is found for him. 

t When a defendant has concluded his plea, if it con- 
tains matter to be judged of by the couit, as matter of 
law, he says, " this he is ready to verify, &c." — This 
** et cetera*' is an abbreviation for " when and where the 
court shall require" — or some phrase of similar import. 



LEGAL FlCtlOKS. 121 

according to the penetrating Lord Coke^ is 
always a phrase of great importance ; mean- 
ing no less, in law, than a dash, or a blank, 
or five stars do in secret history ; and this 
important word occurs very many times in 
Lyttleton's Tenures^ thereby intimating di- 
vers knotty points, and subtle distinctions. 
A pleader is naturally such a dealer in ro- 
mance, that the law has given perfect license 
to tell fibs, (wherein consits most of his hu- 
mour,) with perfect impunity. Thus, as it 
declares that the king can do no wrong, 
which, some say, is itself a mere fiction of 
the Law, so '-'- fictio leg'is nemini injuriamfa- 
cit,^^ that is, " legal fictions can do no one 
any harm,"* thereby plainly intimating that 
lawyers, like common jokers, and common 
liars, so seldom speak the truth, that their 
fibs are never believed. 

It must be confessed that this love of fic- 
tion has gone rather to an extreme amongst 
our pleaders, and made them do a positive 



* Whence those who contend that the above axiom 
is a fiction of law, must also confer;: that it is a perfect- 
ly harmless one. 

M 2 



122 PLEAaiTRRS OF HUMAN- LIFE. 

violence to truth, whose nature is really 
pure, sacred and eternal. I mean, inas- 
much as they have sometimes declared, that 
truth, divine, incorruptible, and lovely 
truth, is in the eye of the Law, (I am sure it 
must be in the eye of the Law only,) a libeL 

I shall not touch further upon so delicate 
a subject, lest, perchance, I may be caught 
telling truth at an improper season, my- 
self; and though I do not suspect you of 
being an informer, yet as you, doctor, are 
writing down, and mean to publish all I say, 
I may, perhaps, be found guilty of a libel ! 
and by the evidence of witnesses who, tho' 
sworn foes to truth, in such a prosecution 
would be also sworn to '* to speak the truths 
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.''* 

* The careless, indifferent and mechanical manner 
in which Oaths are commonly administered in courts 
of law, and in various public offices, is a shameful pros, 
titution of their sacred and solemn nature. Wiicn the 
bible is handled by laced-coat men like a jest book, and 
the form of an affidavit is gabbled over as a charity 
school boy does the psalms, without rhyme, reason, ex- 
pression or thinking ; we cease to be surprised at the 
frequency of perjury, or at the sangfroid with which 
5Qjne rogues will swear— ^to any thing. 



SPECIAL PLEADERS ; MEN OF WIT. 123 

To conclude, however, as to special plea- 
ders, I know you always laugh at me, when 
I call them men of wit ; but in plain truth, 
I believe, if you read their entries, their 
precedent books,, and, more especially, their 
declarations, with divers to wit 100 cart 
loads of gravel, and then divers to wit 100 
cart loads of other gravel, you will find that 
their wit will stare you in the face more 
plainly, and more frequently than in the 
brilliant jokes of Joe Miller^ or the hu- 
mours of Cerisantes, insomuch, that there is 
really wit in every sentence, if not in every 
line that a pleader writes." 

I confess, said Dr. Specific y you have an- 
swered most satisfactorily, most logically, 
and in a most truly pleas-'mg manner my 
first question, which I admit, also renders 
my last unnecessary, the **if not, why not ?" 
But I wish you would give me some satis- 
faction as to the number and variety of the 
pleasures of the law ; as, for instance, the 
pleasures of the judge, of the juryman, of 
the counsel, of the student, of the convey- 
ancer, of the attorney ; and lastly, to render 
your discourse more striking^ you might 



124 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

lightly touch upon the pleasures of the bail- 
iff, the culprit, and of Jack Ketch, who oft- 
en gives t\\t finishing stroke to these things. 
Doctor, replied the Lawyer, you have put 
me to a very comprehensive question in- 
deed ; I will not promise to gratify you up- 
on every head, nor will I positively demur 
to your bill of inquiry^ but will endeavour 
to lay before you such evidence upon some 
of these points as will convince you that 
'* notvoithstanding^'* so much has been writ- 
ten and spoken against the law. and its pro- 
fessors, both of them possess many pleasing 
and charming attractions. 

STUDENTS. 

To begin with the very lowest degree in 
the ranks, from which the young lawyer, 
who aspires to be a judge, or a chancellor, 
commences his career. What various pleas- 
ures does the student enjoy ! his is the sea- 
son of youth, of hope, and of enterprise. — 
The study of the law it is said is dry ; but 
I have endeavored to prove it otherwise : 
the rewards which it promises to the fancy 
;of aspiring genius are great ; and while the 



GREAT WIGS ARE GREAT ORNAMENTS 125 

Student sits from morning till night inking 
his fingers, and puzzling his brains, about 
qui tarn, special capias, and scire facias, his 
' evening slumbers, and morning thoughts, 
are gladdened with the visions of bushy- 
flowing Avigs, gracing the ermined shoul- 
ders, and beetle brows of the law officers, 
who like him, once plodded through the 
dark and dull way of a special pleader's 
office. 

During these dreams of future splendor, 
it is true, he must sometimes feel that, in a 
lottery, where such great prizes are to be 
drawn, the hopes of many must be disap- 
pointed ; but even the indulgence of hope 
is itself a pleasure. 

It is the grand stimulus to daring and per- 
severing enterprize ; and no pursuit re- 
quires a larger portion of it, than that in 
which the articled clerk is engaged. I will 
admit that a young man who has formed his 
taste upon the model of the best poets, and 
orators of Greece and Rome, and who has 
studied the philosophy of Plato, of Bacon, 
and of Locke, the physics of Newton^ and 



126 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

the dialectics of Aristotle, and has stored his 
mind with the morals and history of former 
ages, '* j//, or soirie of which, Blackstone 
recommends to be studied at one of the En- 
glish Universities," may feel some reluc- 
tance to copy the common- place trash of a 
special pleader's office : yet if he expects to 
obtain forensic fame, he must quietly sub- 
mit to this, and many other equally dull 
processes. Should the young articled clerk 
be diligently inclined, and emulously pant 
for dignity and renown, he must perse ver- 
ingly fag at the copying desk, and inces- 
santly seek for knowledge, in spite of the 
folly J frivolity, and consummate puppyism of 
some of his fellow students. It frequently 
happens, that one of these ** natty sparks" 
enters the office full charged with fun, and 
decorated in the very height of the ton^ or 
a-la-mode Sir Skeffy : his boots shined, and 
shaped in Xht first style — whiskers cut and 
dressed by the most fashionable barber :* 



Barber, We have ventured to revive this word lest 
our readers should be put to any difficulty, by the late 
disputes concerning the true pronunciation of the niore 
common word beard ; which the great master of elocu- 



MR. kemble's aitch bonfs. 127 

In short, fully equipped for a killing lounge 
in Bond-street^ and Fall-mall; when in- 
stantly every C; e is lifted from the desk, 
every pen drops, and the whole ollice rings 
with a general buz, A learned discussion 
is commenced on the length of a boot- strap, 
the crookedness of a cane, the tye of a cra- 
vat, or the form ol a shoe- bow. 

Such abstruse studies, and profound dis- 
quisitions, frequently occur in the office of 
the lawyer, in the counting house of the 
merchant, in the banker's cash rooms, and 
in various other places of buckish assem- 
blage, and male frivolity; Hence an in- 



tion, Mr. J. P. Kemhle^ has lately confounded with the 
word bird. A wit, it is said, upon hearing him talk of 
his beard in the new style of pronunciation, asked him 
whether his bird was not a black bird. 

We cannot omit here to justify the great actor for 
very correct and classical delivery of the phrase, " I'll 
fill thy bones with aches ;" which last word he pronoun- 
ces aitches. It is clear that Prosfiero intended some 
dreadful punishment to Caliban ; and how could he 
punish him more severely, than by filling his bones 
with aitches, i. e. making all the bones in his body 
aitch-bones ? 



128 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

dustrioiis, and truly worthy young man, is 
often sacrificed by such society. 

Thus a beautiful virgin, formed by na- 
ture to delight, to fi\scinate, and to charm 
all beholders, has consented, in the hope of 
reaching heaven, to immerse herself in a 
cloister ; to link herself with croaking old 
nuns, and solemn, grave, and turtle-looking 
friars. 

From these remarks, and from the obser- 
vations that every person must make who 
reads the daily papers ; or attends the dif- 
ferent courts of justice, it must be evident 
that law abounds with pleasures : and that 
all persons, from a Lord Chancellor, who 
has made a fortune by it, to a poor Client, 
who is ruined by persevering too long in its 
bewitching ways, must derive from the 
" law's delay" much gratification and ad- 
vantage. 

Mr. Sarcasm, however, frequently ob- 
serves in a string of similes, that '^ law is 
like a bottomless pit, or a patent coffin, for 
once in, you can never get out again. It 



LAW LIKE A SCOLDING WIFE. 12§ 

is also like a well-spun cobweb, where the 
spider and fly are represented by the lawyer 
and the client ; get once entangled, and the 
more you struggle, the more you become 
involved. A Chancery suit is like the ocean, 
without bounds ; interminable — deep. A 
counsellor's wig denotes the length of a 
Chancery suit ; and the black coif behind, 
like a blistering plaster, seems to shew that 
law is a great irritator, and only to be used 
in cases of necessity. The satirical George 
Alexander Steevens thus defines law : 

" Law is law — law is law ; and as in such 
and so forth, and whereby, and aforesaid, 
provided always, nevertheless, notwith- 
standing ; law is like a country dance — 
people are led up and down in it till they 
are tired. Law is like a book of surgery ; 
there are a great many terrible cases in it. 
It is also like physick, they that take the 
least of it, are best oiF. Law is like a home- 
ly gentlewoman, very well to follow : and 
it is like a scolding wife, very bad when it 
follows us." 



Butler says, that " there is notliing cer- 

N 



1S§ PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

tain in law but expense," and *' that laws 
have no force till broken." Pomfret de- 
clares he would ** shun law suits as lions' 
dens," and Swift, who was never slow in wit, 
remarks of a lawyer, 

" What pains he takes to be prolix, 
A thousand lines to stand for six I" 

Ourjlawyer, arguing widi Ironicus on this 
point, says, '* you are not to lay so much 
stress on the letter of the law : you should 
regard the spirit.'^'* ** As for that," replied 
his opponent, ' the spirit may be very good ; 
but those who addict themselves to that, or 
to any other spirits, generally comes off with 
heavy heads, and light pockets : besides, 
even the letter, as you call it, costs so much 
for postage, that it really ought always to be 
f ranked, ^^ A barber calls law '* a bad ra- 
zor," that generally shaves hard, and brings 
tears into the eyes." A taylor compares it 
to a man's thigh, as it sticks close to the 
breeches pocket." 

The witty Cha. Dibdinjun. who occu- 
pies an eminent seat in the Temple of Lu- 
sorits, speaking, or rather singing, of those 



JOHN DOE AND RICHARD ROE. 131 

celebrated heroes John Doe, and Richard 
Roe, thus records their famous exploits : 

More calitures they have made, 

Than the whole fightmg trade ; 

For actions^ their like you'll ne'er meet, sir. 

In the army they say, 

Mags-diversion they play, 

But they are much more at home in \\\Qjleet^ sir. 

For they have officers bluff, 

And firess-nvarrants enough 
To issue and people the fleet, sir. 

So replete is this subject with wit, wis- 
dom, and — wickedness, that wx scarcely 
know how to leave such attractions: but 
an old adage reminds us that '' the best 
friends must part,'''* and our philosophy 
teaches us not to be vexed for that which 
is unattainable. Henry Fielding says, that 
*' the Law^s are Turnpikes, only made to 
stop people who walk on foot, and not to 
interrupt those who drive through them in 
their carriages." Again, he observes, that 
'' The Law guards us againts all evil but 
itself." 

In another passage he very uncharitably 
says, that the profession of a lawyer has of- 



132 PLEASURES or HUMAN LIFE. 

ten made a knave of him, whom nature 
meant a fool" 

With another passage from the same au- 
thor we close our dissertation on this sub- 
ject. 

"Laws never inflict disgrace in resent- 
ment^ nor confer honor from ^r^/f/z/^d" ; for 
as Judge Burnet told a convicted felon, who 
appealed to him of the hardship of being 
hanged for only stealing a horse, ' You are 
not to be hanged for stealing a horse, but 
that horses may not be stolen.' In like 
fanner it might have been said to the great 
duke of Marlborough, when the Parliamen 
was so deservedly liberal to him, after the 
batde of Blenheim : ' You receive not the^c 
honors and bounties on account of a victo- 
ry past, but that other victories may be ob^ 
tained^' 



( 133 ) 



DISSERTATION VI. 

THE PLEASURES OF FASHION. 

JDrumSy Routs^ Masquerades^ Ofieras^ Fashionable Intel" 
ligencey Is'c, 

** Fashion in ev'ry thing bears sovereign sway ; 
And NYords, and perriwigs, have both their day ; 
Each have their purlieus too, are modish each 
In stated districts, wigs as well as speech." 

CoLMAN, 

The universal tyranny of Fashion is ad- 
mitted by all classes of the community, and 
though many complain of its intolerant gov- 
ernment, yet there are few persons who da 
not voluntarily submit to its laws. Fashion 
may be said to be a sort of livery maker, 
or army taylor, as it cuts out all its clothe* 
alike. It is also a leveller or stubborn re- 
publican, for it makes nearly all ranks as- 
sume the same appearance. It may be cal- 
led a monkey, as it is much given to luimr 

N 2 



134 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

icry,* Some people call it a Proteus, as 
it is ever changing ; and others call it a ca- 
iiielion, because it is never seen twice of 
the same colour. The Quakers stigmatise 
it as a capricious changcUng : aind the 
Methodists denounce eternal perdition to 
its votaries, who must inevitably go to old 
nick, by constantly travelling in the '''•broad 
%\)ay i^"* but what say the gay ladies, aud 
smart genj:lemen? They unequivocally de- 
clare, that fashion is the most essential 
sauce in tlie feast of life : indeed the head 
dish. That without it the world would be 
a blank, and men and women mere cyphers. 
Existence, unless seasoned with this palat-^ 



♦Imitation constitutes the very essence of fashion. 
Thus, the nobleman is imatated by the 'squire, who is 
again imitated by the farmer, butcher, butler, footman, 
and gioom. Tlie lady's woman (the word maid is vul- 
gar and obsolete) miniicks her mistress, and she is 
aped by the cook, laundry-maid, and scullion-W'cnch : 
while the misttess of the chandlers-shop mimicks 
these, \\tv fasluGiiabk Sunday g£er is imitated by the 
milk girl, and she again by stiil ini^iYiov t^ei'sonages : so 
\liat the ladies of fashion may truly say, or sing^, 

" Pity our fall," 

We're aped by alf, 

Well a day I 



JTASHION* WORSHIPPERS. 13'5 

able auxiliary, would be as insipid as an 
opera without sonars, a comedy without wit, 
a house of Commons without opposition, 
or a masquerade without characters. In 
short, while many thousands are worship- 
ping it, as the Peruvians did the sun, tens 
of thousands are deriving from its preval- 
ence, business, profit and pleasure. Thus, 
as many are studying how to expend or 
squander away their fortunes in living a la 
mocle^ others are studying how to make 
theirs, by exchanging gew-gaws or gui- 
neas, and baubles for bank notes. 

It would be curious, if not particularfy 
useful, to trace to its origin this weather- 
cock-like thing, called fashion. It is as 
variable, as ridiculous, and the unqualified 
adoption of it, reduces the man of sense, 
(if he ever does adopt it) to a level with the 
fool. If the cut of a coat, or twist of a curl, 
is to identify and mark the people of bon- 
ton, there will be found no external diiFer- 
ence in the groom, and his master ; or the 
self-sufficient puppy, and the man of real 
erudition. The person who presses for the 
highest seat in the temple of fashion must 



136 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE, 

either be a knave or a fool : the one will 
seek it from interested motiycs, and the other 
because his optic nerves arc too weak to 
bear the eftulgent rays of science. 

Fashion is one of the most extraordinary- 
effects of civilization^ and its influence on 
society has a most marvellous tendency. 
Its votaries are commonly called the most 
foolish and useless of the human race, and 
their pursuits are considered in the highest 
degree frivolous and vexatious. As for the. 
word flishion we shall not attempt its defi- 
nition, for it appears of too comprehensive 
a nature to be reduced to meaning : how- 
ever, it has great currency in polished so- 
ciety, and is found infinitely useful in gos- 
sipping conversation. Various are the 
opinions in this wide world, respecting what 
the word fashion was originally meant to 
express. The grave, the serious, and the 
thinkingy^w (who are considered by many 
as little better than ^lizzes) say that it im- 
plies every thing frivolous, affected, and 
ridiculous y but those who come under the 
denomination of persons of Fashion assert, 
tliat by this term, all that is deliglitful, at- 



ROUTS AND DRUMS, 137 

tractive, fascinating and elegant, is to be 
understood. 



This said Fashion manifests itself in a 
thousand different ways, and the phrase is 
considered applicable to every thing, which 
people in a certain circle think proper to do. 
Some practices, though essentially useful, 
are not fashionable ; because they are vul- 
gar ; and there arc many customs in life 
which are absolutely necessary to be done, 
but are frequently neglecJted as being un- 
fashionable ; whereby it appears, that true 
fashion consists in doing no one thing which 
is either useful or necessary. Hence we 
may infer, that the true essence of tonlsh 
life, lies in finding out the most effectual 
mode of murdering time, and rendering its 
professors insipid, useless, and obnoxious, 
to rational society ! ! ! 

Routs are now considered the very props 
of existence to certain debilitated beings, 
who require these stimulants to support 
their animal spirits. Formerly those noc- 
turnal assemblies were known by the appel- 
lation of Drums, and a Drum is surely the 



138 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

better term of the two, for conveying the 
idea o^ empty noise. It may be truly said, 
there is nothing so delightful, so charming, 
so irresistibly fascinating as a Rout^ where a 
vast mob^ of young and old beaux, with an-_ 
tiquated and pretty belles, are seen staring 
at each other with the most unnieanwg ex- 
pression and the most elegant apathy ; at the 
same time indulging voluptuously in the 
*' feast of reason and the flow of soul ;" if 
that conversation may be called such, which 
has neither language, ideas, nor meaning. 

The great object to be attained by a lady 
who gives a rout, is, that her house shall be 
so crowded, as to prevent the possibility of 
any person being able to sit or stand ro/w- 
fortably ; and it gives prodigious eclat to 
the thing, should the stairs and hall be cram- 
med with persons of distinction that they 
cannot even approach the grand saloon. 
Here they are compelled to remain, freez- 
ing, chattering, and rubbing against each 
other for some hours, and then depart high- 



• Lord Chesterfield observes that every crowd is a mob. 



OFERA AND DISCORD. 13§ 

ly delighted with the extreme politeness of 
her Grace, whom they had not the pleasure 
of once seeing. From one house they go to 
another, for the sole purpose of ascertaining 
which had the greatest number ofcrops^ cock- 
^^ hats, and ostrich feathers. In these en- 
liiable situations are to be found characters 
of the first description ; and a prime minister 
of state, with ministers of the gospel, are oft- 
en seen in these philosophical and improving 
crowds. Even one of the heads of the law, 
who but the day before, had been dispens- 
ing life and death in a court of justice, is 
frequently to be met with here, though 
treated with as little respect as a hair dres- 
ser at a bull baiting. 

Next to the Rout and Masquerade (which 
are synonimous) the Opera may be consi- 
dered the grand fashionable scene of action, 
where the uninitiated may contemplate a 
public exhibition of airs and graces. The 
first thing that strikes an observer at the 
Opera house, is the projound attention which 
the tribe of fashionables pay to the perform- 
ers. The moment when some first-rate 
singer is in the finest passage of a Bravura 



140 PLEASUKES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

song, perhaps some of the dilettanti in the 
boxes (more gratified in hearing their own 
raven notes, than those of the singer's) 
scream out in a fine accompanying trill or 
shake, and thereby produce the same happy 
effect, as the performance of two rival or- 
gans at the opposite sides of the same street. 
Another interesting and amusing circum- 
stance to the audience, arises from the 
mixture of the performers and loungers to- 
gether : for it frequently happens, that the 
latter are not merely satisfied in seeing the 
former, but are good naturedly running from 
scene to scene, and dancing about the stage, 
perhaps thinking that some of the subscri- 
bers may be amused in seeing clowns, or 
fools, in every piece, and in e^very act. 

But this is nothing compared with the 
frequent bursts of bravo, bravissimo, from 
people who were earnestly engaged in a pri- 
13 ate conversation, and who after they have 
rewarded the Soprano with a clap and a roar, 
turn round to each other and exclaim with 
a vacant stare —vastly fine ! — what was it ? 
exquisite, S^c. whereby they shew their tastc^ 
though unconscious of the cause. This 



TASHIONABLE PUFFING. 141 

free and easy conduct would not be allow- 
ed ill the English Theatre, thanks to the 
gods; no, the gentry in the upper house 
would never patronize such proceedings. 

There is one distinguishing mark which 
characterises the Fashion of the present time 
from that of every former period ; namely. 
Puffing in the newspapers. A Rout is now 
announced in the public prints, with all the 
pomp and circumstance of ''* folly ^''^ and at 
as great lengthy and almost as ivell written, 
as some of those literary morceaux which 
frequently issue from the inspired pen of 
Martin Van Butchel, or the renowned cut- 
ting Packwood. Indeed the voktmcs of 
our diurnal prints are so filled with haul ton 
intelligence, that a wig-maker, or a tooth- 
ache doctor can scarcely squeeze in a line, 
though they arc men eminently useful ; for 
the former promises to settle your head, 
and the latter to whet your grinders. — 
Newspapers, instead of being what they 
once were, vehicles of instruction and in- 
teresting intelligence, are no^cj filled with the 
foolish, and disgusting details of routs, gor- 
mandizing, gluttony, visiting, and guzzling. 



142 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE, 

Formerly our journals, were the *' abstract 
and brief chronicles of the times," and were 
collected and treasured up as records for 
posterity, or as materials for tlie historian ; 
but what a curious collection would a parcel 
of our modern journals make, filled with the 
names of persons, who, but for the Neivspa- 
pers would never be recorded in any way ex- 
cept in the tradesmen's book of bad depts. 
With what interest and delight must poster- 
ity read such intelligence as the following — 

*^ The bewitching lady -is in that 

state in which every Lady wishes to be, who 
loves her lord." Well said decency, egad ! 

Five hundred cards of invitation are issu- 
ed for Mrs. Shalloii) head's masquerade on 
Tuesday — 

Zo\M\i5:;rZ—Bu2 gives his grand Fete 
Champetre on Friday : wG hear that cards 
of invitation have been sent to ail the ga) , 
the idle, the frivolous, and the stupid iu 
Town, — consequently a most delicious day 
may be expected ! I ! 

Viscount 's grand dinner on Tues- 
day. 

At the splendid entertainment given on 



FASHIONABLE NEWS. 143 

Sunday by Elfy Bey, there was a most ele- 
gant assemblage of Fashionable Belles, and 
every other delicacy that could be expectecL 

The venerable Lady and her two 

amiable grand daughters sang a trio on Fri- 
day night at lady Squanderfield's Drum-ma- 
jor^ which astonished all present — ** Say la- 
dy fair where are you going?" 

The lady of sir Tuoibelly Clumsey, was 
delivered of twins on Saturday,, at her de- 
lightful Villa at Leatherhead. 

At the grand masquerade ^warehouse in 
— — Square, on.Wednesday night, the doors 
were thrown open at an early hour to all 
characters ; upwards of 700 persons sat 
down (and threw off the mask) to a sump^ 
tuous supper, whom the feast of reason^ de- 
tained till a late hour the next day^ when they 
seperated m great order to their respective 
homes. At this matchless Fete, there was 
a galaxy of patent lamps, and a forest of 
green house plants. The company consist- 
ed of the following illustrious personages, 

viz. — His and His —brothers, lady 

and her accomplished daughters " 

the venerable lord and his loy^ly young 

wife, besides To wNaEND,M'MAN us, Riv- 



144 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

ET, and numberless others of the first dis-^ 
tinciion. 

But all this is nothing, compared with 
the bulletin of health, and the different 
movements of this army of Fashion, which, 
according to Burke, constitutes the Corin- 
thian capital of polished society. 

We are informed that lady Betty Bigamy 
is at Bath, and every morning at an early 
liour visits the pump room, to the great 
satisfaction of her friends* 

Belcher, and Jemmy from Town, are 
now rusticating at the elegant villa of lord 

. in Hertfordshire. Poor Miss G 

being disappointed in her matrimonial 
scheme^ takes it greatly to heart, and has rcn 
tired (in dudgeon) to the country. The 

hon. capt. who was wounded in an af* 

fair of honour^ on Saturday, died on Mon» 
day. That charming creature (Shock) lady 

's lap dog has got the influenza.. Col. 

O's — Parrot is speechless. We hear 

viscount intends in a few days to lead 

his cook maid to the hymeneal altar. 

From such stuff ^^ the above, is the fu- 



FEMALE RACERS. 145 

ture historian to collect authentic materia^ 
for the history of the age, and the antiquary 
(yet unborn) to glean the curiosities of past- 
times. 

SPORTING IKTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARy. 
TURF. 

On Friday the long expected match be- 
tween the lady of Col. and -« 

Esq. was run on tkc race course at , 

in the presence of an immence concourse 
of spectators •. the day was fine, the sport 
excellent, and the lady rode triumphant. 

Indeed Mrs. , who has long been 

considered the greatest whip in the king- 
dom, completely beat her man the first 
teat, to the great gratification of the cognos- 
centi who assembled on that occasion.* 

The Marchioness of — hunted on Thurs- 
day with A^r harriers in the neighbourhood 



♦ This ladj, who was always a devil of a sportswo- 
man, has lately " stole away" and givein her keeper the 
slip.— Such dashers are generally of the Eel species ; 
rather slippery : and when a woman once mounts 3V 
Facer, she will inevitably be run away with. 
O 2 



146- PLEASURES OF HUMAN tTFE. 

<^f ; her Ladyship is said to be the 

best sportsman in that sporting country ! ! I 

We hear that the gay milliner, of Jermyn- 
street, has advertised for a sleeping partner !' 

From these interesting records, the mer- 
chant, the philosopher, the politician, and 
the foreigner, must be highly gratified and 
instructed ; but they may know perhaps,, 
better how to appreciate them, when inform- 
ed, that there are a few elegant^ accomplish- 
ed gentlemen, qf refined talents, who obtain 
their livelihood, and procure distinction hj 
penning these interesting essays, and scraps 
of intelligence. The people of fashion have 
been much satirised for pride, and repulsive 
dignity, but thi& must be false^ or they sure- 
ly would not converse, and communicate 
freely with sycophant scribblers, and ne- 
cessitous ad venturers ^merely for thepurposQ 
of obtaining; a puff" in a fashionable adver- 
tisement. These associations are, however^ 
sometimes attended with inconvenience, as 
a nobleman may deem it prudent^ if not 
pleasant, to shake hands with a man he des« 
pises. Some gentlemen have encountered: , 



FASHIONABLE EMBARRASSMENT. 14T 

difficulties for want of knowing such useful* 
persons, as will be shown by the following 
circumstance, which is recorded as one of 
the miseries of human life, in the first work 
that appeared under the title of '*^More Mis- 
eries." 

*^' Sending to the Morning Post, a para- 
graph written by yourself announcing the 
arrival of yourself and family in town, in the- 
following words : ' Yesterday Mr. F — and- 
the charming Mrs. F — , and their three 
h'cely 2ind accomplis /led daughters arrived at. 
their Town house in Burlington- street, from 
Moss-hall in Kent, which beaxitiful retreat 
has undergone some very delightful altera- 
tions from the exquisite designs of Mrs. F 
— , whose unrivalled taste is the theme of 
admiration amongst all her numerousyij^A- 
ionable friends and acquaintance. '" Meeting, 
three days after the appearance of the para- 
graph, an acquaintance, who informs you to 
your great gratification, that he had read the: 
arrival ; ^then, upon your modestly observ^ 
ing thereon, that ^ it is a singular thing, that 
a man cannot move without being watched; 
l^y these confounded newspaper writers, and. 



148^ FLEASITRES OF HUKAN LIFE, 

that it is really wonderful how they can gtt 
the intelligence, they publish. ' Your friend 
laughing in your face, and telling you, that 
he was in the newspaper office to get a ptiff 
for a friend of his inserted at the time when 
your servant came in with, and paid for the 
paragraph, which lying on the counter, he 
peruaed and recognised to be in your own 
JxaTid writing i""^ 



( ^^^ ) 
DISSERTATION VII. 

PLEASURES OF FASHION. 

Continued, 

Bad Habits ; Fools ; Genteel Sophistry, ^c. 

Amidst all the vicissitudes of Fashion^ 
and changes of dress, which the ingenuity^ 
of taylors has devised, and tlie folly of man 
has adopted, the costume of the present 
time stands unrivalled in the annals of ab- 
surdity. It was formerly the fashion for 
gentlemen to have their clothes made to Ji^ 
them J but modern refinement rejects this 
Aabit : and we verily believe, that if a tay- 
lor now took home a complete suit, calcu- 
lated to^t his customer, the latte? would 
throw it at the head of the former. tem-^ 
pora ! mores I Formerly, if a clown was 
represented on the stage, or personated at a 
masquerade, he was exhibited in a coat 
which fitted him like a smock-frock, or a 
hop-sack ; but now there is no distinction 
feqtween the clown and the gentleman^ as 



150 pleasures: of human lifbt. 

they seem one and the same persoiT, at least 
in externals. The jacket, at present, gams: 
ground rapidly^ and a man of true fashion 
in tlie costume of the day, appears exactly 
like an out-rider to a post-chariot, or a Phoe- 
nix-office fire-man ! There may be more in 
this, however, than meets the eye v for, in 
the present state of things,, it prevents the 
possibility ot any of the catch- club (sheriff's, 
officers^.) sticking in their skirts. 

We would recommend to all young per- 
sons of fashion, the perusal of the following 
short story. It is particularly addressed to 
young persons, because, when people grow 
grey in any habit^ they become quite incor- 
rigible, and admonition is then uselepkS. 

*' An Italian fool was observed to parade 
the streets naked, carrying a piece of cloth 
on his shoulders. He was asked by same 
person, why he did not dress himself, since 
he had the material^ ? ' Because,' replied he, 
* I wait to, see in what way the fashions will 
end. I do not like to use my cloth for a 
dress, which in a little time will be of no 
liise to mcj on account of some new fasliion.'*" 



NAKED LADIES* 151 

What was then told as a fooPs reply, 
might now pass as the result of the mature 
reflection of a man of sense. It is much to 
be regretted the fair sex of the present day 
can't give as good a reason for going nakccL 
We ought, however, in charity to suppose 
it as emblematic of their innocence ! For, as 
that distinguished lusorist T. Dibdin writes, 

« Fashion was form'd when tlie world began, 
And Adam, Tm told, was a very smart man ; 
As for Eve, we can say neither more, nor less, 
But that Ladies o{ fashion all copy her dress. 

So barring all pother, of this, that or toother, 

We all follow fashion in turn.'* 

But the revolutions in dress are less in- 
tolerable than the change of manners. Form- 
erly, persons of fashion were distinguished 
for their politeness, but now they are emi- 
nently conspicuous for their deficiency in 
that once gentlemanly attribute. Justice 
Woodcock's observation on what was con- 
sidered in his time as politeness, well ap- 
plies to our own age : — '* This," says he, 
*' may be modern good-breeding, but it's 
very much like old-fashioned impudence." 
We can laugh at that caprice, or folly, which 



152 PLEASURES OF HUMAN IIPK. 

induces men to change, without any visi- 
ble cause, the cock of their hat, or the cut 
of their coat ; — we can see, without a mur- 
mur, though perhaps not without some re- 
gret, the increase of crops, and the growth 
of whiskers, but who can witness without 
deep concern, insolence usurping the place 
of politeness, and hauteur that of condescen- 
sion. The bigots of fashion, however, 
were never distinguished as people of 
sense ; for they have generally neither sense 
of shame, sense of propriety, sense of de- 
cency, nor that very useful, though vulgar 
article, common- sense. Their motto is made 
up from two passages of their favourite An- 
acreon — 

*' Hey to the vound of Pleasure." 
" Here's to the Devil with thinking." 

The sentiments hereby inculcated arc 
gladly adopted by the rake and the elegant 
gambler, both of whom are daily in pursuit 
of what they call pleasure, and to such per- 
sons thinking is quite a bore. The practic- 
es of many Novellists and Dramatists have 
tended to encourage dissipation and de- 



NOVRLLISTS AND DRAMATISTS. 153 

bauchery, by demanding admiration for re- 
formed rakes, and representing the extrava- 
gant follies of young fashionable gentlemen 
as necessary evils, which will lead to public 
good. But folly and vice will always have 
sophisticated advocates, as will be display- 
ed in the following account of 

THE RAKE DEFENDED ; 

Or, Vicious Pursuits veiled by Fashionable Sophistry. 

If a profligate, unprincipled, gay young 
man of family and fashion be taken from the 
w^orld suddenly, his associates in iniquity 
cursorily glance at his crimes, and observe^ 
— *' Poor fellow! 'twas pity he lived so 
free ! With all his limits (and who is with* 
o\xX.\) he certainly had a good heart at bot- 
tom ; he always intended well : he was no^ 
body^s enemy but his own,''''^ 



•This sort of character is dangerously represented 
as deserving pubhc admiration, in Charles Surface— . 
" School for Scandiil" — Harry Dornton, and Goldfinch, 
in the« Road to Ruin ;" Young Rapid, in the '- Cure 
for the Heart-aclie ;" Tom ShufHeton, in John Bull :" 
and in some other dashing bucks, which the fascinat- 
ing, volatile, and sprightly Lewis has so inimitably pcr- 
P 



1-54 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

Let US for a moment reflect for whopi 
these apologies were offered, and praise in- 
directly claimed ! Is it for a raw, inexperi- 
enced youth, who is left at an early period, 
without a protector, and thus unguardedly 
faUs into a snare that has been laid for him 
by crafty heads. 

No ! this blasphemous eulogim is paid to 
a man to whom fortune had been bountiful, 
nature profuse, and whose natural and ac- 
quired qualifications fitted him to grace a 
diadem ; but who perverted the noblest 
work of heaven, by indiscriminately gratify- 
ing his unbounded lusts, at the expence of 
unprotected innocence ; and indulging in 
an adulterous intercourse which never fail- 
ed to bring disgrace and ruin on an inno- 
cent family. Yet this man is gravely pro- 
nounced to have ^' always intended welL^\ 



formed. That so7ne cli*amalic writers should delineate 
these personages ^vilh truth and facility, is not at all as- 
tonishing, when it is known that they have the proto- 
types in their own persons ; and the singularly attrac- 
tive style of Lewis's periormance of such characters 
almost deprives us of the power of analyzing them. 



FASHIONABLE SOPHISTRY. 155 

And what can we say in support of the as- 
sertion of his having a good hearty who nev- 
er manifested any symptoms save vicious 
ones ! His invariable pursuits, except when 
engaged in assailing defenceless virtue, were 
drinking and gaming ; his language con- 
stantly interlarded with bitter oaths and ex- 
ecrations, and thus utterly destroying both 
soul and body. But, notwithstanding *' all 
his faults^ he certainly had a good heart ai 
httom,''^ 

To conclude, he is allowed to have been 
" nobody'' s enemy but his own,'''' who has 
squandered away the industrious earnings of 
his ancestors, and bequeathed beggary and 
shame to his legal and innocent descend- 
ants. The wretch, who has blasted the 
peace of many worthy husbands and fathers, 
polluted their chaste homes, and for ever 
destroyed their domestic comfort ; and cor- 
rupted thousands of his own sex by his di • 
abolical example ; yet, because he has been 
the dupe of his lusts, and fallen a martyr to 
his vices, he is pronounced to have been 
*' nobody'' s enemy but his oiim,''^ 



156 fLEAStJRES OF HITMAN LIFE, 



t' O Fasliion ! to thy wiles thy vot'ries owe 
Unnumber'd pangs of sharp, domestic wo ; 
What broken tradesmen and abandon*d wives, 
Curse thy delusions through their wretched lives 1 
Wluit pale-fac'd spinsters vcjU on thee tlieir rage, 
And youths decrepid, ere they come of age I 
What parents mourn a spendthrift's endless cost ; 
Wliat orphans grieve a father's portion lost I 
'I'hcfjc arc your mimics, O ye fallen great I 
Thus youre^iianiplc poisons all the slate !" 

,/Jge of Frivolity, 



( 157 ) 

DISSERTATION VIII. 

PLEASURES OF FASHION. 

Continued: 

A Beau of the First Order j and /rif/ yljie. 

There is a class of animals, which na- 
turalists have not systematically defined, but 
which is very generally known to frequent 
all the cities, towns, and bnthinj^ places in 
Great Britain. The genius is man, and the 
species has been characterized by the names 
of Beau, Fop, Blade, Buck, Rake, Puppy, 
&c. These terms arc nearly synonymous, 
and imply, according to the acceptation of 
philosophers, contemptible and insignificant . 
beings ; but others attach to the sound 
ideas of pretty fellows, nice youths, and en- 
gaging rogues. Which of these inferences 
is most consistent with reason and good 
sense, the reader perhaps, will easily -deter- 
mine, after perusi.ig the following narrative, 
which has been communicated to us by a la- 
dy, who, possessing much generosity of 
P 2 



158 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

sentiment, goodness of heart, and true phi- 
Lmthropy, justly feels indignant at the com- 
mission of every action that opposes these 
noble principles. In this narrative, she has 
judiciously allowed the beau to draw his own 
portrait, by giving the substance of his con- 
versation in his own language : and there 
appears so much characteristic truth in this, 
that we are fully persuaded the whole pic- 
ture is faithfully represented. 

Of all disgusting animals that infest soci- 
ety, surely a Fop is the most contemptible ! 
I am provoked to take up arms against these 
things^ from being compelled to listen to 
one whose magpye but mischle'vous prattle 
overset all my philosophy. Seated in the 
library of a friend's house where I was vis- 
iting, with '' The Pleasures of Imagina- 
tion" in my hand, my reverie was interrupt- 
ed by the abrupt entrance of one of these 
Sprigs of Fashion^ who, throwing himself 
into a chair, began a conversation in the fol- 
lowing strain : *• 



*Sce the annexed print, 



ELEGANT ELO(VUENCE. 159 

'' D— n'd hot, an't it ?" <* 'Tis a beauti- 
ful morning," I replied. '• Oh ! for God's 
sake leave off reading, and hear what a dev- 
ilish unlucky dog I am. Returning from a 
walk I had been taking with Rover here — 
why don't you speak to poor Rover ? he's a 
fine fellow for swimming ! you'd have been 
quite delighted to see him diving for a full 
hour after a large stone I threw in, and the 
poor fellow came out without it after all : 
only look how wet he has made me all over 
with shaking himself ! poor old fellow ! 
cou'dn't he find the stone then — there then, 
there then (patting the dog.) Why don't 
you pat him ! he'll soon be fond of ye : he's 
the fondest creature ! — but, perhaps, you 
don't like dogs ! don't you like dogs ?" 
** I like all animals in their proper places. 
Sir : you was going to speak of an adven- 
ture, I thought." — ''Oh! true — yes — I — 
where was I? Oh! I know; I was go- 
ing to tell you what a most unlucky fellow 
I am. Be quiet, Rovy ! be quiet — lie down, 
Sir ! Only look at the poor fellow ! how 
fond he is ! But to my achcjitwe, as you 
call it. You see, I overtook a very pretty 
little girl this morning, with whom I meant 



160 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LTTE. 

to be very civil — you understand me !- — and 
I told her the queerest tale you ever heard ; 
ah ! and it was a devilish ingenious one, I 
assure you ; and she believed it all. Well!" 
I~ gets out of her where she lived, and all a- 
bout it, you know ; had just made her ap- 
point a meeting, when, before she could 
name the time her father would be out of 
the way, the old fellow appeared before us,- 
and I was obliged to turn one way, and my 
charming little rustic another. She's dev- 
ilish coy, though ! only I know she's struck 
with me, or I should expect to have some 
trouble in the alFair. Lord, how she blush- 
ed when I talked love to her ! and looked 
so innocent ! her beautiful laughing blue 
eyes cast to the earth, for fear of encounter- 
ing my roguish black ones ! the roses 
mantling in her cheek- — the dimples play- 
ing round her pretty little mouth, as she 
listened to my eloquent, all-powerful, and 
irresistible love -tale ! Oh ! she must be 
mine ! — I say, now, what do you think of 
me ; don't you think I'm a rum fellow ? 
You have heard of me, I suppose ? hey ?" 
'^ Yes, Sir, I certainly have heard of 
you." *' Have you, tho', where? who 



MORE ELOqjJENCE. 161 

was it spoke of me ? A lady. I suppose, 
tho'?" *' Yes, Sir, it was a lady at Brigh- 
ton." *' Ah ! what did she say ? what's her 
name ?" " Pardon me there, Sir, 1 cannot dis- 
close the lady s' name." ** O ! I know very 
well who you mean ; though upon my soul, 
there's so many line women at Brighton, 
and, indeed, all at the watering places, who 
I am wiell %iith^ that it's almost impossible 
to name one in particular : but what did 
she say? you may tell me that? — " What 
some gentlemen would term a fine compli- 
ment." Did she, by G— d 1 O! I know 
who it is very well ; her name begins with 

a D : she's ^oery good-natured ; nay, 

she's a d d fine woman too ; I'm on 

v^ery good terms with her. So you won't 
tell me what she said ! how can you be so 
cursed provoking? pshaw, now, you're 
downright cruel : come, come, do tell me I 
you may trust me, indeed you may ; I nev- 
er deceive a lady, upon my soul ! — come, 
I'll guess : Did she not say, I was a d — d 
wicked dog ?" *' The lady did not swear ^ 
Sir." '• Perhaps not, but she meant it. 
Now, by G — d, this is immeasureably tire- 
some I you're prudish, I fear ; I hate 



r 



162 PLEASURES OF HUMAJT' LIFE. 

prudes! — you needn't fear me, now upon 
my soul ! tho' I'm a devilish dangerous 
fellow among the women ; yet, in this case, 
you may trust me I" " Why really, Sir, 
'twould be unfair in me to repeat %v>hat the 
lady said ; but allow me to observe, I am 
not at all surprised at her warmth of ex- 
pression, since, Pve had the honour, of a 

^d-r^c;/^/ acquaintance with Mr. ." 

" Nay, you flatter me ! tho',. upon my soul, 
I don't wonder at her being taken with me ; 
for, when I'm in town, I'm really surrounds 
ed with fine women ; and how can one re- 
sist a pretty woman when she makes advan- 
ces ; for it is an absolute fact, they always 
meet me more than half way." *' You aston.- 
i'sh me, Sir I" ** A fact, by G — d 1 You see> 
being such a favourite with the ladies, it 
makes me rather proud, or so ; but, after all, 
it's a cursed tiresome thing to have a wo- 
man too fond ! Oh! it's a horrible bore ; 
insufferably teazing, upon my soul ! I can't 
stand it ! I'm frequently obliged to leave 
them ; / am indeed ! and then they are 
sometimes jealous, too ! Lord God, what 
an execrable thing is a jealous woman ; 
Why, would, you believe it ? Lady — ► 



POPISH SENSIBILITY. 163 

was ill hysterics for three hours at the sim- 
ple and trifling gallantry of my ogling the 
Marchioness of ^ * ^ ^, at the opera ; — - 
again, at Lady Betty * * *'s rout, there 
was no less than seiicn (damn'd fine girls, 
too) applying every anti- fainting spirit to 
prevent the effervescence of their passion 
forme, from meeting the eyes of the assem- 
bly ; and this from observing me single out 
the new-married young Countess of '^"***, 
to go down a dance with. So that, you per- 
ceive although I'm universally admired by 
the ladies, and equally envied by the men, 
I've such an inundation of gallantries, that, 
upon my soul, I'm not so happy a fellow as 
I am generally taken for ; unfortunately, 
I've such an immensity of sensibility, that 
I can't endure to sec the poor things fret af- 
ter me so. ' And so you seem to think the 
women more modesty or sJiy^ then I allow 

them to be !' D me, that's a good one ! 

you live in town, and not know better than 

that : I suppose then, when Mr, goes 

out, he locks you up until he returns. Oh ! 
what rare sport! Excuse me tho', I don't 
mean to offend. No, by G — d ! I never 
offend a modest woman ! but, upon my soul, 



164 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

the age we live in admits of such freedom, 
that was I to enumerate the favours I've re- 
ceived from a Dutchess down to an innocent 
country girl, I dare say I should surprise you ; 
as you appear absolutely a novice in these af- 
fairs : however, for the present, I must de- 
cline chatting with you, as poor Rovy here 
wants his breakfast ; poor fellow ! quite hun- 
gry an't ye?" 

Happy to escape from this lump of ment- 
al deformity, I arose, and said I would join 

Mr. in the garden : upon which my 

fashionable companion picked his teeth, and 
yawned out in the most winning manner 
imaginable^ '' You must excuse my want of 
gallantry, in suffering you to go alone, but 
walking in hot weather relaxes me shocking- 
ly." To this I cheerfully bowed assent, and 
sallied forth in quest of a companion whose 
sentiments were perfectly in unison v/ith my 
own. 

*^ Gracious heaven ! what a being have I 
just parted from I" 1 mentally ejaculated; 
*' surely nature never designed him for a 
man I yet, what could she intend him for ? 



ANOTHER TOP. 165 

neither male nor female^ but a mixture of 
the grosser parts of both, sent into the world 
as a curse to those who are unfortunate e- 
nough to be allied to him, and an entail of 
misery to such as are sufficiently weak to 
fall a prey to the fascination of external ap- 
pearances ; for this thing (alias man) pos- 
sesses an elegant form, and a strikingly 
handsome face. I cannot paint a more com- 
plete contrast than this creature'' s mind bears 
to its body. 

Contemptible, however, as these superfi- 
cially minded beings unquestionably are, 
they have their 'nnitators in a set of flutter- 
ing insects, who are still more obnoxious, 
if possible, than the former, with the excep- 
tion of being less dangerous ; for, however 
inclination might prompt them to stingy they 
possess the wi// without the to%ver. These 
comparatively harmless things^ in some de- 
gree, merit our pity. Nature having dealt 
her mental favours to them with so sparing 
a hand, that they have not the sagacity of 
discriminating between the gentleman and 
the beggar ; and allowing only the former 
the power of pkiying the/b^/. These shal- 
Q 



166 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFl. 

low-wittcd, self-sufficient, ivotihl-be fops, 
have all the arrogant superciliousness attend- 
ant on ignorance, but are blind to their own 
want of capability in supporting the digniji' 
ed, magtianimoiiSy and truly -praisevi or thy 
character of a first-rate coxcomb. 

One of these animated puppets I have had 
the superlatiije happiness of being in com- 
pany with, who has troubled me with its in- 
teresting adventures ; how it had ivrote a 
play, and acted King — itself; had wrote 
such a deal of poetry, pretty stories, &c. Sec. 
and finished its interesting narrative by as- 
suring me I should hear it read its poetry 
some day. 

" Much did it talk, in its own pretty phrase, 
Of genius and of taste, of players and of plays ; 
Much, too, of writing, which itself had wrote, 
Of special merit, tho' of little note ; 
For Fate, in a strange humour, had decreed 
That what It wrote none but Itself should read ; 
Much, too. It chatter'd of dramatic laws, 
Misjudging critics, and misplacM applause ; 
Then, with a self-complacent, jutting air, 
It smil'd, It smirked, It wriggled to a chair. 
And with an awkward briskness not Its own, 
Looking around, and perking on the throne, 



MASTER BOBBY A N D HIS MOTHER. 167 

Trinmpltant seem'cl, when •.hut stran^^e savage dame'j 
Known but to few, or only known by name, 
Plain Common Sense, appear'd, by Nature there 
Appointed, with Plain Truth, to guard the chair ; 
The pageant saw, and blasted witli her frown, 
To its first state of nothing melted down." 

Incredible as it may appear, this poor 
maniac absolutely affects all the airs of a 
real quality coxcomb; swears he's an im- 
mense favourite with the ladies ; they would 
be lost without him ; he'-s their every-thing. 
He is never without half a dozen smeU 
ling-bottles, fans, muffs, tippets, &c. &.c. &c* 
for the accommodation of the ladies, who 
consider him a convenient block to hang 
these things on occasionally. 

How seriously is it to be lamented, that 
parents do not endeavour to correct these 
disgusting foibles in their children, instead 
of encouraging thenij, by holding a dialogue 
of the following description : 

** The ladies all likes me, don't they, mo- 
ther ?" ** Yes, Bobby." *' They invites 
me to their dances^ don't they, mother ?" 
** Yes, Bobby." *^ I writes Poetry for 'em, 
dont I, mother?" «' Yes, Bobby. ** 



16S PLI^ASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

writes plaj's, and acts 'em myself, don't I, 
mother." '' Yes, Bobby." 

How long this inter est trig and pleasing \\U 
tie dialogue would have continued, I can- 
not pretend to assert ; as it was premature- 
ly crushed by a gentleman present, who 
saj'castically remarked, '* Why, my dear 
madam, I am absolutely thunderstruck at 
the profundity of your son's erudition ! An 
■author ! and a poet, too ! I hope, Sir, (ad- 
dressing MasUrr Bobby) you mean to favour 
the public with the productions of your rick 
^nd/ertile imagination ; mdeed it would be 
absolutely cruel to deprive the literary world 
of such elegant works." The mother smil- 
ed, and, bridling, asked her visitor if he 
•* could recommend a ^<90^ and c^/'<?//// print- 
er, who would sec that the poetry should be 
printed riicely and neatly?" when Bobby 
squeaked out, "No, no, mother, I wont 
have my things stole : and it's always the 
way, when people write any thing good, or 
out of the common way, that other people 
always steal 'em, and call 'em their own, 
and therefore I wont trust my things to no 
printer whatsomever.'^ *' But, Bobby, my 



HOW TO EVADE T AN T ALIZ A ION. 169 

dear," replied this thinking matron, "don't 
be obstinate ; where is the use of your writ- 
ing, if nobody'' s to be rione the better for it ; 
and you know the world can't benefit if they 
don't sec what you can do. You see, my 
love, this gentleman was surprised to hear 
you was a poet ; therefore publish and sur- 
prise 'em all. This gentleman will like, I 
dare say, to have 'em dedicated to him ; go, 
my dear, and fetch 'em down, and read 'era 
to the gentleman. I'm sure, Sir, you'll be 
more surprised when you hear 'em read.'* 
*' I doubt not, madam," replied the gen- 
tleman, who by this time repeated his te- 
merity, "but they will far exceed my ex- 
pectation ; but I cannot avail myself of the 
honour you kindly intended me, as I've an 
appointment, and I fear (taking out his 
watch) that I've overstaid my time." Well 
then, the next time you call, you shall see 
'em ^//." With this kind promise her 
guest departed, and will not, I think, be- 
very anxious to repeat his visit. 

" Ye gods ! what wild havock is made by ambition, 
Tho* she oft brings her slaves to a state of conlrilion. 
She made pious Dornfoud, a half-witted railer ; 
And spoifd in poor Dignum — an excellent taylorj^ 
Q 2 Pasquin. 



i7© 



PLEASURES OF UUJSlAH LITE, 



FASHIOMABLE VOCABULARY. 

It may not prove altogether uninteresting 
to our readers, to lay before tliem a few 
terms, Avith the sense, or acceptation, by 
which they are understood by the Fashion- 
able World :— 



Vernacular 


Fashionable Seme^ 


Tertns. 




Age 


An infinnity which nobody owns. 


Buying 


Ordering goods without present prospect^ 




or intention of payment. 


Conscience 


Something to swear by. 


Courage 


Fear of man. 


Country- 


A pUice for pigs, cattle, and clowns. 


Cowardice 


Fear of God» 


Day 


Night. 


Debt 


A necessary evil. 


Death 


A great bugbear. 


Decency 


Keeping up appearances. 


Dinner 


Supper. 


Dressed 


Half naked. 


Duty 


Doing as one of us do. 


JRcligion 


Bigotry. 


Fortune 


A thing necessary to existence. 


Triend 


A sound without meaning. 


Home 


Every body's house but one's own* 


Honour 


A flash in the pan. 


l^sjowijig 


Expert in folly and Yi«c. 



rASJIIO.>;ABLE INTERPRETATIGNS 171 



Vernacular 


Fashionable Sense. 


Terms ^ 




Life 


Destruction of body and soul. ] 


Love 


(Meaning unknown.) 


London 


Th« most delightful place. 


Low 


Vulgar, — mechanical ; generally applie9> 




to tradesmen, and authors. 


Lounging 


Daily occupaiion. 


Learning 


A thing unknown.^ 


Modest 


Sheepish. 


New 


Delightful. 


Night 


Day. 


Nonsense 


PoHte conversation* 


Economy 


(Obsolete.) 


Old 


Unsufferable. 


Pay 


Only applied to visits. 


Play 


Serious Work. 


Prayers 


The cant of silly people. 


Christianity 


Occupying- a seat in some church or 




chapel. 


Spirit 


Contempt of every kind of propriety* 


Style 


Spltndid extravagance. 


Thing (the) 


Any thing but what a man should be. 


Time 


Only regarded in music. 


Truth 


Meaning uncertain. 


Virtue 


Any disagreeable quality. 


Vice 


Only applied to servants and houses. 


Undress 


Complete clothing. 


Wicked 


Irresistibly agreeable. 


Wisdom 


Exploded. 


Wife 


A lawful Mistress. 


Scandal 


Amusing conversation. 



172 



PLEASURES OF HUMAN LITE. 



Vernacular 


Fashionable JSeme. 


Terms. 




Scorn 


A thing to be used in talking with infe- 


• 


riors. 


Words 


Things to ///az/ with. 


World 


St. James's and its vicinity. 


Work 


A vulgarism. 


Wit 


A thing only heard of in Plays and Farces, 



*^^ As many of the preceding terms and 
definitions are taken from an interesting lit- 
tle volume, called '' the Fashionable World 
Displayed,'''' we cannot conclude our ac- 
count of the subject better than by recom- 
mending that work to the attention of such 
readers as wish for a geographical, philo- 
sophical, statistical, and natural history of 
that " IForld,'' 



( 173 ) 

DISSERTATION IX. 

PLEASURES OF FASHION. 

Continued. 

Balls ^ Assemblies^ Da77ci)ig^ The St, Vitus* Family^ Wi^Sy 
Diiving, 

Next to Routs, Music-meetings, and 
Masquerades, Balls, and Assemblies 
present the most fascinating attractions to 
the votaries of fashion ; and, as lor.g as 
these people take more pleasure in cultivat- 
ing their hee/s than their heads, dancing' 
must flourish. This occult science is at 
present studied with great ardour, and ma- 
ny of our youth are now taught the frst and 
second positions long before it is thought ne- 
cessary to initiate them in the rudiments of 
erudition, or the principles of Christianity. 

^ The insect youth are on the wing, 
Eager to taste the sweets of spring. 

Gray, 



174 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIF £• 

The interior of a ball-room is a very 
moving scene, and is no sooner entered by 
the true devotees of the art, but every toe- 
nail begins to cut capers, and the cockles 
of every heart are instantly aftected with the 
fidgets. This rendezvous of jumpers* is 
not only fascinating to those actually en- 
gaged in the mazy festival^ but is infinitely 
amusing to the looker-on ; who, being un- 
employed, can freely and deliberately recon- 
noitre all around. In these crowds, or pro- 
miscuous assemblies, are often seen hud- 
dled together or disproportionably paired 
the thick and thin, tall and short, fat and 
lean, pretty and ugly ; like a heterogeneous 
group at a puppet show in a country fair,— 
But ** youth's the season made for joy" — 
and since the essence of that can be best ob- 
tained in a ball-room, why should ih^ young 
gentlemen and ladies be deprived of it. In 
this temple of the graces may often be seen 



* The Jumpers are a strange infatuated sect of reHg» 
ious enthusiasts, who seem to be governed more by an, 
evil spirit than a good one : for after indulging in cer- 
tain ceremonies, they proceed to all sorts of jumping, 
raixting, and frantig tricks, thereby acting more like 
»iapiac35 than rational Christians^ 



COCKNEY-SHIRE. 175 

a little miss just emancipated from the tui- 
tion of Beau Kit, and the trammels of her 
Sheldrake,^ paired with an old fat physician, 
as tall as big Ben, and as awkward as Sam. 
Johnson. In another group may be seen a 
pale faced student of the Temple, with no 
more flesh on his bones, than the apotheca- 
ry in Romeo and Juliet, coupled with an el- 
derly lady as fat as Falstaft', and with a face 
blazing like a transparency at the front of a 
masquerade warehouse. These engaging 
creatures are seen casting each other off, and 
then joining hands again in delightful alter- 
nation* Sometimes the figurante begins to 
** v^^ varni^"^ (according to the cockney- 
shiref phraseology) and Philander ^ deserts 



• A name given to certain iron harness into which 
young ladies are sometimes fnit to make their backs 
straight, and thereby destroy the •' line of beauty." 

t The Topography, Geography, and Natural Histo- 
ry of this district has never yet been fully described. A 
work of this kind imfiartially investigated, and luminous- 
ly written, would afford much amusement and inform- 
ation, both to the natives^ to persons of the surrounding 
country, and to foreigners, i, e. such as live in the re- 
mote northerly and westerly parts of our island. We 
would recommend the ingenious author of" The Fash- 
Qnahk World Displayed^* to consider of this subject. 



176 PLEAStJR'JES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

his colours, and flies from the ranks to pro- 
cure Ariel 3. glass of negus, or a tumbler of 
lemonade to keep her from fainting ! but 
she declares that nothing but ** drops of 
brandy'*'^ (the name of a popular tune) can 
restore her. This is called for, < ' peace re- 
turns, and all is calm again." 

" Such are the joys of our dancing days." 

It must be highly amusing to the looker, 
on to see the gravity of some, the pleasantry 
of others, and the folly, with which ^//keep 
frisking about to the pipe and tabor, like so 
many hay-makers in a pantomime. 

A Ball room may unquestionably be con- 
sidered the market of love ! a sort of cupid'^s 
royal exchange^ a matrhnonml lottery office^ 
and like a lottery the wheel contains many 
blanks, and few, veryfe%v, prizes. But why 
assimilate it to the royal Exchange, Mr. 
Benevolus? because, madam, in the nego- 
ciations of matrimony, like those of com- 
merce, each party endeavours to out-%vitX\\Q 
other, or to use a very hackneyed observa- 
tion, to bite the biter. — And for the market, 



l-Hk ST. VITUS' FAMILY. 17 



m 



you know, that nothing is more common 
than to send damaged goods to that reposito- 
ry, and such articles require dextrous puff- 
ing, with some meretricious decoration. 
Admirably well, the compari^n holds to a 
tittle. 

A family of Dancers, like aspen leaves in 
autumn, are always in motion : and when- 
ever a tune enters their ears, it always 
makes its exit through their toes. If a hand 
organ stops in the street, every room, win- 
dow-shutter, door, and stool, are shook to 
their foundations, by the St. Vitus' family, 
and tranquillity is not restored till the organ 
ceases. Should they all expect tickets for 
a public ball, every knock at the door will 
rouse them like a clap of thunder : and 
every disappointment unnerves them, and 
renders them as mopish as an old maid at a 
wedding, or, as owls in the sun shine : but 
w^hen the ticket arrives, " Oh extacy too 
great to last for ever," every nerve is screw^ 
ed up to the highest pitch, the barometer of 
joy rises 20 degrees above Summer heat^ 
and every thing manifests bustle, agitation, 

and — uproar. Some of the group imme- 
R 



178 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

diately commence a grand attack on the 
milliners and wig- warns.* One lady gets 
her head cut a la Dido, anothey a la Brute, 
and another a la Bull,! and then all^s in pre- 
paration. At length the happy night arrives, 
and the coachman is desired to drive to the 
delightful rendezvous (Willis's) in King 
Street, St. James's. The jigging group en- 
ters the hall, and with breathless expectation 



* Wig-wam, a sort of carnage or hurdle, used by the 
Indians. With us it may serve to express a wig-shop, 
eras Mr. Dibden calls it, " a vii^ gallery" 

t The bulls noddle has long been famous for its cur- 
ly, ringlet locks : and these have often been the theme 
of comparison and description, by accient poets. 
Tliough the fashionable wig-weavers hiave never digni- 
fied a caxon by an appellation of this kind, it is etident 
that they have had the forehead of that noble animal in 
view, when bedecking that of some stift'-neck'd hor?i' 
ified Belle. Among the absurdities of fashion, there is 
scarcely one more ridiculous in its nature, and absurd 
in its adoption, than that of wearing wigs. It is a thing 
that was never intended by nature, or we should some- 
times hear of children being born with them. Former- 
ly none but old men, parsons, and lawyers deigned to 
disfigure themselves with this extraneous incumbrance: 
and such waC, and i*5 the enormous size of those belong- 
ing to the lattei' class, that they are amply sufficieni for 
the whole community. The great cfiuliflower bushes, 



SCTLEMN sadness ; A N£W DANCE. 179 

ascend the grand staircase : *' distant sounds 
of music vibrate through the long drawn 
passage" — The tickets are handed in, but 
woful to relate ! there is a fatal flaw in the 
credentials ! for by some unfortunate mis- 
take, the cards are dated wrongs and are not 
admissible till that night se'nnight. A dif- 
ferent party occupies the garrison, and is 
now, ** even very now" rioting in all its 
sweets : What's to be done ? no admis- 
sion ! '* mourn indeed ye miserable set, for 
now the measure of your woes is full." 
The party returns home, -* in solemn sad- 
ness and majestic grief." 
[The abo'ue mcidcnt actually ocairred^ and 
ivas preceded and terminated as described,'] 



have not been unaptly named, " Extinguishers of com- 
tnon seme." — In these ponderous coverlids, or overalls 
" The lawyers' flaws shall find a patch, 
A Bob the knowing head shall thatch, 
THe henpeck'd husband v/ear a Scratch, 
His wife a monstrous Bmitua. 
The wig's the thing, the wig, the wig, 
Who'd in the mines of learning dig, 
Or Heliconian potions swig. 
Or study to be truly wise ? 
When after all, in vulgar eyes, 
The wisdom's in the wig." 

DiBDIN. 



lQ>4t PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE* 

Another of the pleasures of dancmg is, 
found when a fond young lady sets her cap. 
at a certain gentleman, and "^ marks him; 
for her own,'* but finds on entering the ball- 
room, that he has been pre-engaged, and is 
then in the very act of kicking up his heels, 
and capering away with another. But the 
ball room, independent of its pleasures, has 
also its advantages : It is the genial region 
of assignation, the A^/-^^^ (^/'/a'ZJ^, a chapel 
of ease to the Temple of Paphos ; for her 
priyers, vows, and protestations are often 
offered 11^- Bctvyeen the act§ of the hop^^ 
lye parties have ample time and opportuni». 
ty, to discuss and settle their private affairs, 
and it is generally in the ball room that the 
arrangements are made for those little par- 
ties o^ pleasure to Gretna Green which we 
so frequently hear, and read off ; for nothing 
is easier than the transition from Pasruse^ 
to the Faux. Pas^ and when a young lady 
has been engaged for some hours in the be- 
^ itchin^^ amusement of dancing, she will be 



♦ This term tliough of vult^ar application, is very ex- 
pressive ; as hofiping constitutes the principal movement. 
in this cjiversion. See Bailey's, ancj Grose's dictionaries. 



DRIVING, AND EXALTED VIEWS. 181 

inclined to grant her lover more than she 
would otherwise do in her cooler moments 
of reflection. 

The age In which we live may, with great 
propriety, be considered the age of condescen- 
sion, for wc believe it is the only period of 
the world, when men and women of Fashion 
have raised themselves to a leiicl with their 
coachmen and postilions. Driving, is now 
so essential a branch of elegant education, 
that we consider the tim(i fast approaching, 
when we shall probably see revived, the ex- 
ercises of the Hippodrome, and the Ciirsus, 
and that an expert charioteer will be consid- 
ered the most accomplished character in so- 
ciety. After-ages may read with wonder 
and delight, in the monumental inscriptions 

of our Nobleman^ that His Grace of 

or My Lord was not only the first 

financier, but the greatest driver of his time. 

Nothing can exceed the good natured hu- 
mility of many ladies and gentlemen of the 
present day ; for instead of employing their 
coachmen and grooms to drive them, they 
frequently undertake the offices, of their seu- 

11 2 



182 PLEASURES OF HUM^AN BIFEa 

vants, and mount the coach-box, or the 
dicky, while the servants are lounging by 
their sides, or lolling within the carriage. 
The coach box tete-a-tetes, between ladies 
and their grooms, have a most engaging ef- 
fect in tlie crowded streets of London, par- 
ticularly,, if Thomas happens (which is 
sometimes the case) to have his arms round 
the waist of his mistress to prevent her fall- 
ing — into worse hands. The drive in Hyde 
Park, andi that noisy, crowded^ throng'd 
thorough-fare, Bond Street,that puppet-show 
stage of fashion, present many scenes of this 
kind. Here may often be seen a female, 
flogging -dr her, (improperly called a Lady,X 
dashing along in her lofty curricle, with one 
lounging groom at her sidie, and two others 
behind, thereby creating wonder, fear, and 
pity, from a gaping multitude. 

If any thing can bring into disrepute this, 
exercise of the whip, it is, its having got in. 
to the hands of the practising apothecaries, 
for every little pharmacopolist, who can in- 
dulge in the luxury of a gig, now drives a- 
bout like a nabob in a palanquin, attended, 
or join'd rather, by a sort of mongrel lac- 



dextSrity of gaming. IS^* 



%> 



qaey, who is neither groom, coachman, ostler, 
nor postilion, though partaking of all. A- 
barrister, or even a divine is thought noth- 
ing of now, unless he's a good whip ; can 
turn a corner to a hair's breadth ; or pass a 
chariot coming in an opposite direction, by 
just touching the wheels ! ! 



Gaming is one of the prevailing pleasures 
of the present enlightened age, and there 
seems to be something so fascinating in this, 
pursuit, that a man or woiiJan^ we forbear to 
say Gentleman or Lady^ is no sooner addict- 
ed to it, than, either becomes swallowed up 
in its vortex. Whenever we see young per- 
sons stuck down to a card table, we cannot 
avoid congratulating them on their early in- 
itiation into the mysteries of a science,, 
which must always prove an inexhaustible 
source of pleasure and ad'uantage ; for if it 
had no other recommendation than that of 
destroying the enemy (time) it must always 
find numerous partizans and advocates in 
the present refined age. But it has a thou- 
sand other claims on our attention and sup- 
port : One of its first recommendations is,, 
(than which none can be greater) that it im^ 



184 . PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

pels US to cultivate our faculties, it habitu- 
ates us to deep thinking' and calculation, and 
so sharpens our wits, that it has recently at- 
tained for its votaries the appellation of 
Greeks.'^ 

Our observations on cards, v\ ill apply to 
gaming in general, and we shall not occupy 
much of the reader's time in describing the 
attractions of the dice box ; this implement 
of gambling with its better haJJ the back 
gammon board, seems admirably calculated 
for shewing a young lady off to to the great- 
est possible advantage : for nothing can ap- 
pear more graceful, or amiable, than a female 
shaking her elbow, and rattling her bones, 
at the same time vociferating, ** seven's the 
main." Elegant accomplishment ! 

" The love of play can taint \X\f^ female mind, 
By nature found niost gentle, most refin*d ; 
Can change the spirit, once an angel bright, 
To fiend-like fury black a$ imps of night ;, 



• The Greeks were a people remarkable for the 
quickness of their pai'ts, and the sharpness of their wit; 
they possessed in an emment degree those points of 
character, which in our tune, would obtain tliem the ep- 
ithet of r/^f/i one^^ 



eAMESTER AND CHEAT. 185 

Can make them selfish, cruel, and profane- 
Peevish with loss, and covetous with gain ; 
Can chase away domestic peaceful joys 
With crowds, confusion, rioting, and noise j 
Can draw by placid smiles a giddy train, 
To learn that, routs, and cards are not in vain, 
But managed well, can ladies* smiles repay, 
By taking money^n a genteel way. " 

Age of frivolitt^ 



Gamester and cheat were synonimous terms 
in the times of Shakespeare and Johnson r 
and they have hardly lost any thing of their 
double signification iu the present day. 

But there is no pursuit or amusement^ 
however delightful or msiructhe, that is not 
sometimes attended with disadvantage and 
disaster. Even the inoffensive, harmless 
practice of gaining is occasionally followed 
by serious consequences, as we shall en- 
deavour to prove, by a very concise account 
of a young man who fell a public victim to 
this fascinating amusement. The ill-fated 

H — y W • — n was a native of Ireland, 

and adds one to the dark catalogue of those, 
whom an inordinate love of gaming brought, 
to an untimely grave I 



186 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

He was of a most respectable family, and 
had received a good education : when very 
young he was sent to London, and placed 

under the care of Mr. for the pur* 

pose of embarking in some commercial con- 
cern. But instead of the counting house, 
he preferred the gaming house, and forsook 
respectable business for temporary pleasure. 
When he first launched upon the town, he 
was about twenty years of age, and a better 
description cannot be given of his person, 
than that which Johnson gives of Milton in 
his youth. *^' He wa^ eminently beautiful, 
though not of the heroic stature.'' In his 
iace were united beauty of feature, with vi- 
vacity of expression, and his figure, though 
petite^ was elegant. In \ht fashionable part 
of his education, the mysteries of the card 
table were not neglected, and the violent 
passion he imbibed for play, may be truly 
said to have been "the string on which hung 
all his sorrows." He never was happy, but 
when the cards were in his hands, and 
would at any time have preferred the sight 
of the knave of clubs, to that of the Venus 
de Medicis ; and *' Hoyle's Games" was to 
his mind, the most fascinating l?ook in the 



CONSEqUENCES OF GAMING. 187 

English language. With tins bias, it could 
hardly be expected that he \vould pay much 
attention to business, and so it proved. In 
a continued routine of dissipation and gam- 
ing he spent his days and night : at the i^me 
time sapped his health, and squandered away 
all his property. The frequent calls he had 
for money induced him to commit a forgery 
to a considerable amount, which being de- 
tected, he was tried, found guilty, and expi- 
ated his crimes on the altar of Justice. 

Thus perished in the bloom of youth, and 
in the full vigor of his faculties, a man who 
might, at least, have been a useful member 
of society, and who fell a sacrifice to an un- 
fortunate attachment to a pursuit, which has 
be^n often known to hurl destruction on Its 
votaries. 

*' The fatal propensity of gaming is to be 
discovered, as well amongst the inhabitants 
of the frigid, and torrid zones, as among 
tliose of the milder climates ; the savage 
and the civilized, the illiterate and the learn- 
ed, arc alike captivated by the hope of ac- 
cumulating wealth, without the labours of 



188 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

industry. Barbeyrac has written an elabo- 
rate treatise on gaming, and as an ethical 
work, it may be placed on the shelf. Mr. 
Moore has given another elaborate treatise 
on suicide, gaming, and duelling, which 
may be put by the side of Barbeyrac's. All 
these works are excellent sermons, but a 
sermon to a ga-ibler, a duellist, or a sui* 
cide ! — A dice box, a sword and pistol, are 
the only things that seem to have any pow- 
er over these unhappy men, who have long 
been lost in a labyrinth of their own ingen* 

ious folly I" 

CyRiosiTiEs OF Liter ATURE^.1, 304 



t 18-9 ). 

DISSERTATION X. 

PLEASURES OF FASHION. 

Conthiued, 

Duelling. 

Among the various inconsistencies which 
the tyranny of custom, or the folly of fash- 
ion, has imposed on mankind, there is none 
so unjust, cruel, or brutal, ^s that of duel- 
ling. This worse than savage practice, is 
considered by many as the height of civili- 
zation, the pink of good breeding, and the 
last polish of elegant education. Indeed, a 
young man of fashion, never makes his de^ 
but in the Beau- Monde with any degree of 
eclat, till he has killed his man ! This ele^ 
gant accomplishment, flourishes in our time 
beyond all former example : the point of 
honour seems to have given place to the 
muzzle of the pistol ! and all coffee-house 
quarrels, and similarly important disputes, 
are now hushed up, by a/Wiin the pan. 
It is of no great importance, what be the 



190 TLKASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

cause of a difference ; for sometimes a fra- 
cas between a Newfoundland dog, and a 
Spanish pointer,* will set their masters by 
the ears^ and then Chalk Farm's the word. 
To that place, the Park, Kensington gravel- 
pits, or some other hallovied spot consecra- 
ted to the La\\)S of Honour^ the parties re- 
tire, and blow out each other's brains with 
genteel impunity^ 

' It happens not unfrequently, that a man 
by neglecting to take off his hat at the thea- 
tre, has it taken off for him ihe next day, — 
with his head into the bargain. 

We laugh at the hot brained Tibalt, in 
Romeo and Juliet, also at the domestics of 
the Montagues, and the Capulets, who seek 
causes of quarrelling for their respective 
houses, by biting their thumbs at each oth- 



* Captain M'Namara, and Col. Montgomery's two 
dogs happening to quarrel, tlieir masters deemed it 
necessary to fight on the occasion ; and the latter gen- 
>;lemon was slain, or according to the vulgar tongue 
murdered. Lord Camelford died in the same cause ; 
and many other persons could be named who have fal- 
len victlnis to that foolish and cruel edict, ^'' the law of 



C^EAT NAMESOF GREAT IMPORT AN C E. 191 

er ; but surely in our own times v/e hear 
of things, which, were they not very serious, 
would be equally ridiculous, and were they 
not common, would appear marvellous. 
There was some reason to liope that this 
sanguinary practice, from having descended 
to the low and the vulgar, would in time be 
discontinued by those who called, or con- 
sidered themselves, the Great \ but this 
cheering' hope, like many others, has van- 
ished, and we are still doomed to witness 
the triumph of folly, vice, and wickedness ; 
and of knowing that nothing will cure dis- 
orders of honour, but leaden pills. It scents 
the grand object w^ith those who wish to 
patronise, or promote absurdity, to bestow 
on it some splendid name, and to dignify 
villany and vice, with alluring and pompous 
epithets. Thus, seduction, is called gallant- 
ry, and murder is misnamed deciding an af- 
fair of honour ! But in the estimation of the 
humane and the rational, a name can never 
alter the thing, and that bloody code, cal- 
led the law of honour, must ever be con- 
sidered by the temperate part of mankind, 
as a system of cruelty, which has been es- 
tablished by the wicked and implacable^ and 



192 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE* 

appears to have originated in a spirit of re- 
venge (the worst of all the bad passions) 
for the gratification of private malice. 

This savage practice is by no means con- 
fined to the better sort of people, but is fre- 
quently degraded by getting into the hands 
of the swinish multitude, whereby, of 
(course) it loses much of its dignity ! Some 
years ago, when it was the fashion to wear 
swords, there was great butchery performed 
in this honorable way. But then deliberate 
duels were not quite so frequent ; for the 
ferocious parties decided their differences, 
on the spot, and tho' those reconters often 
terminated, fatally, yet they sometimes end- 
ed only in a scratch ; hence, the conse- 
quences were not quite so serious as at pre- 
sent, as much depended upon the skill of the 
combatants : but a leadeii ball is a great leis- 
eller of distinctions, and that disparity be- 
tween the accomplished swordsman, and the 
uneducated boor, is entirely done away. All 
now are equal, and the travelled gentleman,, 
Dulgar mechanic, the barrister, the poet,"^ 



sr? 



* A duel, or rather a meeting for that purpose, b-'* 
I ween an eminent critic, and a melli0uous song^ writer). 



rrS TO L S A N D FE N S . 19^ 

and the warrior, are alike called to order 
by the muzzle of the pistol, and 2\\Jight to 
prevent misunderstaiidmg,'''^ Sometimes a 
difficulty arises with respect to the rank of 
the parties, and strict enquiry is made by 
one gentleman, to ascertain whether his an- 
tagonist be precisely in the same sphere of 
life ; we have known a case of great difficul- 
ty of this sort, where the challenger was 
really what might be termed a gentleman, 
(unless, as Sterne says, *' decay of fortune 



alias a fioet must be fresh in the recollection of many 
of our readers. We have heard it rather loudly ivhis- 
fieredj that the whole affair was a mere puff. Take 
a lesson from this grand exploit, ye scribblers for the 
lottery, and ye scrawlers for empirics ; for you may easi- 
ly excite notoriety by writing an account of a duel that 
was never intended^ and by calling the Bow-street offi- 
cers to convert the spilling of blood into that of spilling 
ink. The pen is certainly a more inoffensive weapon 
than the pistol : and though it often wounds a man, 
and sometimes kills oncjyet at the same time it produc- 
es a fund of public amusement For as great crowds 
derive much diversion from seeing two bruisers pound- 
ing each other to a sort of jelly, so a vast mass of read- 
ers, take gve^tdelighi in witnessing two authors cutting, 
slashing, and slaying each other, with that little dex- 
trous instrument, — the ficji, 
S2. 



i^4 PLEASUltE* OF MlfWAir LITE, 

taints the blood,") and the person challeng- 
ed was the son of an attorney. Young qui' 
tarn was, however, so tenacious about pollute 
ing the blood of the O'Rourks, that it was 
full a week before he would consent to blow 
his antagonist's brains out ; nor could he 
then have done himself this honor ^ till thor- 
oughly convinced that his opponent deserv- 
ed this mark of respect. It must not be infer- 
red, that the attorney was a poltroon, or wish- 
ed to evade the '^^ explanation''' for, he was 
as courageous as M'Lean the highwayman, 
and as fond of fighting as Sir Lucius O' 
Trigger ; but then he was, a man of such 
nice honor I 

Lawyers and counsellors are usually giv- 
en to much freedom of speech ; and this is 
sometimes rather too irritating for their op- 
ponents. The man oi words is consequent- 
ly called out, and required to muzzle that 
tongue, which he often wields with such 
dexterous effect. He refases^ and a chal- 
lenge ensues. If the Barrister happens to be 
silenced y (i. e. killed) the conqueror says, he 
has a special plea to justify what he has done ; 
but if the man with the long robe be tri- 



LAtfDABLE STUITIES. WS 

itmphant, and puts his antagonist doivfiy then 
the whole affair is called a La%v Report / 
Every member of polished society is amen- 
able to this species of castigation. We hear 
of Cornets selling out, to fight their Colo- 
nels, and cadets calling out reviewing gene- 
rals. Sometimes a duel ends in ^ paper %var, 
and yet makes as great a noise in the world, 
as the battle of Marengo. At others the par- 
ties fly to arms, rush to the combat, and one 
of them falls, without the least credit to him.- 
self or to the survi'vor^ 

This rational mode of deciding little dif* 
ferences.is so countenanced and encouraged 
in civil society, that some men of superior 
minds make it their study, and by repeated 
and persevering trials, become so expert 
with the trigger, that, as Mercutio says^ 
*' they may be considered the very butchers- 
of a silk button." Repeated rehearsals at 
the bull's eye, enable them very soon to hit 
^ny eye, or any given point, with the nicest 
accuracy, so that they become almost as 
useful in the world, as the inventor of gun- 
powder. The fair sex, who have long, and 
often, quickened the sparks of poetic fire^. 



196 PL EAStTPES OF HUMAN Lrr:EV 

have frequently, by their flinty hearts, 
brought fire from the pistol of the Duelist : 
Indeed many ladies are so proud of being 
fought for., and withhold their '^slovv con- 
sent" so long, that most of their admirers 
being killed off in the service,they at length 
are left forlorn, to enjoy all the horrors of a 
single life, and protracted virginity. But as 
Simkin says, ^' there are no folks so mad as 
those who run mad for love." ! 1 ! This un- 
accountable infatuation is now more preva- 
lent than ever, and takes such possession of 
the mind, that some of the wisest men, and 
even ministers of state have had recourse to 
this signal mode of settling differences and 
^f identifying, and fixing the 

** TRUE POINT OF HONOK." 



( 197 ) 

DISSERTATION XL 

THE PLEASURES OF POLITICS, 

POPULARLY EXEMPLIFIED. 

Th ERE is no one axiom in the system of 
moral legislation, more unequivocally, and 
universally admitted, than that self-preser^ 
"i^atlon is the first law of nature, and though 
the second law has never yet been precisely 
defined, we are convinced that it will bt 
found to consist ia self 'gratification. This 
same self is an ostentatious sort of a being, 
and contrives to force his way into every 
walk of civilized society. He is generally 
seen very conspicuously in all public ac- 
tions, and private deeds ; and though he 
often preieiids to be wholly influenced in be- 
half of a dear friend, a laudable charity, or 
to mitigate crying calamity, yet it may be 
easily seen that self is at the bottom. Of 
so tyrannical a disposition is this self-same 
governor of the universe, that he has estah-. 



198 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

lished a large standing army to vindicate his 
pretensions, and uphold his selfish power. 
His prime minister, self-conceit^ like some 
other prime ministers, is rather dogmatical 
in opinion, immoderately ambitious, and 
scorns to give a reason for what he does. 
His plans and arguments he insists, are self- 
evident 5 and to question them is downright 
audacity. So completely self-sufficient is 
he that he has persuaded himself all his own 
schemes are infallible. Unrestrained by 
pity, remorse, or humanity, this tyrant has 
been known, Vvhen embodied in the shape 
of a commander, to murder thousands of his 
prisoners, or his own soldiers that appeared 
to check the career of his madly ambitious 
projects. As diversified as are the manifold 
conditions and state* of human life, and as 
varied as the proteus appearances of man, 
are the habits and forms, in which this self^ 
fnoving being may be traced. But it may 
be remarked that he is only a nuisance in 
society, when self-lo'ue so preponderates in 
all his actions, as to sacrifice every moral 
and rational consideration at its shrine. 
When he seeks gratification through the me- 
dium of doing public good, and administers 



PATRIOTISM AND POLITICS. 199 

to his own felicity in dispensing the same to 
his friends, neighbors, and the world around 
him, (for most men's world is circumscribed 
by a few miles. See Sterne.) he then be- 
comes a praiseworthy, and honorable mem- 
ber of society, and may truly be said to cul- 
tivate the Pleasures of Human Life, 

Though nine tenths of mankind are sole- 
ly, or principally actuated by self interest^ 
yet there are some persons who seem to be 
disinterestedly devoted to the public good. 
In advancing this, they declare they'll exert 
every nerve, and even sacrifice their lives ; 
but Patriotism is now a sort of obselete 
term, and is therefore never assumed but 
by the Vv'-eak headed, or wicked hekrted. 
The one from ignorance of the world, and 
the other from knowing too much of it. In- 
stead of patriotism i^6litics has long been 
the rage ; and as this science has such an 
unbounded ascendancy over the minds of 
Englishmen, and since they will cheerfully 
relinquish any, and every other subject, for 
the sake of prattling on politics, we may 
fairly exclaim in the words of Quidnunc, 

<' Hqxv are ive ruined /** 



200 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

In the voluminous annals of John Bull's 
life, there is no one circumstance that makes 
a more prominent feature ; for there ap- 
pears to be nothing that afforded him so 
much exercise and delight : yet some per- 
sons have strangely pronounced it a misery 4 
however, the *' evidence of facts" will fully 
confute this assertion ; for if it produced 
them misery, or mental trouble, would all 
classes and conditions of men voluntarily 
engage in it, with so much ardour, and hon- 
est zeal. Would the cobler quit his last 
and neglect his ^Ty/, merely to quarrel about 
the state of the nation ? Would the butcher 
forsake his well stocked shop, and gorman- 
dizing customers, to join in the tap-room 
controversy, and instead of cutting up beef 
steaks, employ most of his time in cutting 
up ministers'^ Would the poulterer re- 
nounce plucking a pullei, for sake of pluck- 
ing the premier ? And would men of 
family and fortune neglect their domes- 
tic comforts and rural pleasures, for the 
{lake of sitting in the house of Commons 
cll night ? These, and many other occur- 
rences plainly prove that politics have most 
marvelhus attractions ,; and though the lat^ 



BALSAM OF t"ELICITY, £01 

ter class of persons may be tempted to watch 
all night in a certain house, for the purpose 
of looking after <' loaves and fshes,'' this 
cannot be said to be the motive of the cob- 
Icr,* the butcher, or the poulterer. Indeed 
all descriptions of Englishmen, from the 
peer to the porter, and from the bishop to 
the beggar, seem to look upon politics as the 
primum mobile, of life — the elixir vit^e — 
the sovereign balsam of felicity, and the 
grand restorative cordial for all disorders. 

« I saw a Smith stand with his hammer thus, 
The whilst his iron did on the anvil cool, 
With open mouth swallowing a Taylor's news, &c/' 

Shakespeare, 

The full exercise of his political opinions, 
is what every British subject considers as 
the most essential privilege of freedom ; 



• " The Cobler, good «om/, says our af/ must soon tf«c/, 
And be worn out at last, unless matters should mend. 
The doctor conceives to despair there's no call, 
Let him physic our foes, and he'll soon kill them aU. 
The blacksmith, he swallows the taylor's news, 
Au(\forg€i mfifilks, as old Dobbin he shoes, 
He blows ufi the authors of Englishmen's wrongs. 
And says wc must go at it hammer aiid tongs." 
T 



202 PLEASURES ©F HUMAN LIFE. 

whence we are completely a nation of poli- 
ticians. Time immemorial this has been 
our most striking characteristic, and this 
national propensity is so well known, that 
politics is the first, almost the only topic on 
which a foreigner thinks of addressing an 
Englishman, 

What a happy, yet harmless privilege is 
this ! And how judicious on the part of 
government thus to indulge us ! For as men 
are much more addicted to talking than act- 
ings so long as they are allowed to analyze 
the conduct, and censure the malversation 
of statesmen, the latter may manage public 
affairs just as they please. 

Judging therefore, from the prevalence of 
this propensity, that it is a great source of 
pleasure, we ought not to be surprised that 
the science of politics is so seduously cul- 
tivated by our countrymen ; as it is certain- 
ly purchasing happiness on very moderate 
terms. What a satisfaction, for instance, 
must it be to a taylor, that though he be 
poor, yet he can settle the affairs of state, can 
new model armies, appoint officers, and dis- 



A MINISTER OF STATE IGNORANT. 203 

pose of the national force — in imagination. 
And, though he mdiy growl at taxation, yet 
he can with impunity, censure those who 
levy taxes. 

As for our coiFee-houses, all the business 
of the nation is transacted there* long be- 
fore it makes its way into the cabinet. It is 
related of the late Mr. Pitt, that, being call- 
ed on one morning by a friend, who asked 
him, a-la-mode anglois, ^' what news?" 
the Premier replied, that he could not tell, 
as he had not yet seen the newspapers ! 
Thus was the source, the very fountain head 
of political intelligence, absolutely dried up, 
till the flood of information reached it 
through the channel of the diurnal publica- 
tions. Many a young merchant neglects 
his business at the counting-house, that he 
may have the pleasure of hearing himself 
talk, lay down the law, and settle the affairs 
of state, at Tom's, Lloyd's, or Batson's cof- 
fee-house. 

The language of parliament and politics, 
has made its way into most private houses, 
and the whole of our domestic affairs is con- 



204 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE* 

ducted in the style of the senate. If a toast 
be proposed after dinner, it is put to the 
vote, and carried nem, con. else the speaker 
is obliged to leave the chair. Does a lady 
or gentleman begin to tell a story, or relate 
an anecdote, a cry o^ hear 1 hear ! or chair ! 
chair ! is vociferated from every part of the 
room, and if a man presumes to sneeze, or 
cough, he is immediately called to order. 
It is true these things do not come strictly 
under the head of politics, but they are ram- 
ifications from the parent stock. 

Since then, an Englishman looks upoa 
politics as his birth-right, and finds such in- 
finite enjoyment in discussing the merits of 
ministers, and settling the legislature of 
kingdoms : Since it is his cordial for low 
spirits, his restorative in times of debilitated 
lassitude, and the modifier of his crude and 
volatile humours, it v/ould appear cruel to 
deprive him of it. It would be a sort of 
Pitt-ish tyranny to gag him, and thereby- 
lay an embargo on the import and export of 
his favourite traffic. Of all the cruelly op- 
pressive acts of the Pitt-ite government, 
tliere was nor^e more seriously felt, bitterly 



PEARtS AND SWINE. 205 

deplored, and universally execrated, by the 
redoubted politicians, than the two bills vul- 
garly called the '' gagging -acts.'''' These 
produced, in some minds, the varied emo- 
tions of scorn, contempt, hatred, pity, des- 
pair, despondency, and hope : though the 
number of politicians was small, who vier.- 
ed ihem under the cheering influence of the 
latter sentiment. Previous to this cpocha. 
Debating Societies were established all over 
London : and then we had political Cicerocs 
and Demostheneses holding forth in every 
club and institution. Among all the emi- 
nent characters of that period, we have 
heard of no one who has advanced himself 
so much in life and respectability as Mr. 
Th EL WALL. This gentleman, v/ho once 
scattered his ^'' p6arls''^ of eloquence before 
the '* Sivinish^^ multitude, is now most lau- 
dably and honourably employed in deliver- 
ing lectures on oratory, rhetoric, Sec. at his 
house in Bedford -place, Russel-squai'e. . 

There are various sorts of politicians, but 

the two great divisions may be styled the 

desponding^ or croaking, and ^he confident, 

er braggadocio. Of the i 5 is the 

T 2 



206 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

man who sees nothing but storms always 
gathering in the political horizon ; and eve-^ 
ry time he hears the newsman's horn, he 
thinks it is the last trumpet. Wheiicverhe 
opens one of our daily journals, he expects, 
or hopes, to read of an earthquake, a battle, 
a conflagration, or shipwreck. Nothing can 
realize his expectations or satisfy his wishes, 
but a calamity ! Such a person is a pest in 
society, and may be said to go about, like 
Blight in the pantomime, blasting with ma- 
lignant breath every bud and flower with 
which he comes in contact. 

The confident politician, or political brag- 
gadocio, is a person, who, though equally 
liable to err, is less intolerable than the for- 
mer. The one sees nothing but *' moving 
accidents ;" the other nothing but triumph 
and success. Each deviates too far from the 
middle way, to be long in the right road ; 
and as one must be generally detested for 
his dismality, the other will prove a mere 
laughing-stock, to the more rational part of 
mankind. 

Though politics freq^uently produce 



FRIENDSHIP AND ENMITY 207 

friendly associations, it also dissolves the 
closest ties of friendship ; for so intolerant 
is party spirit, that it often detests and des- 
pises the man of difterent political princi- 
ples. How absurd and irrational to see two 
privcite friends, w^ho, perhaps, were school- 
fellows and grew up together, become the 
most inveterate eneniies in consequence of 
differing in opinion on subjects in which 
neither can be personally interested, and on 
pending questions, the fate of which in- 
volves nothing that should give them the 
slightest concern. We have known two 
friends, who had not only the highest regard 
originally for each other, but the greatest 
admiration for their mutual talents, (both 
being men of genius) who, through some 
unfortunate difference m their political opin- 
ions, now hate each other like sin and death ; 
and though they still perform in the farce 
of Friendship, and visit and meet each other 
frequently, it is palpably evident that they 
are not now at their ease in the same room 
together ! So much for politics ! Surely 
there must be some secret inflituation, some 
talismanic influence, which can so bereave 
men of their reason, and deaden or destroy 
their reflection. 



208 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

Many books have been written for the 
avowed purpose of reprobating absurdity 
and correcting vice, but w^ith little or no 
effect. Few of these have had the iiiftuence 
of Don Quixote, and few authors the plea- 
sure of Cervantes ; for he lived to see the 
happy effects of his satire in correcting the 
predominating absurdity of his countrymen 
and cotemporaries.* 

Though this propensity to politics per- 
vades the whole nation, yet it does not fast- 
en with equal inveteracy on every class of 
the community. Taylors are always very 
temperate in their political opiiiions ; but 
shoe-makers, hair-dressers, and coblers, are 
generally great statesmen. Manufacturing 
towns are always well stocked hives of poli- 
ticians, and these sometimes carry their 



♦ The romance of Don Quixote was v/rltten for the 
avowed purpose o^/iutthig down knight-errantry, which 
was the prevailing rage in Spain when that work was 
published ; and its influence in correcting, or rather 
destroying this folly, is a signal instance of the happy 
effects of lively satire operating on a sensible and think- 
ing people. 



POLITICAL MARTYR. 20f 

discussions to such lengths, that they arc 
often on the point of taking the executive 
government into their own hands. 

Mr. — , an old gentleman, and noto« 

rious politician of Dublin, was so very im- 
patient for early intelligence, that whenever 
adverse winds retarded or prevented the ar- 
rival of the English packets, he sagaciously 
concluded that the very wind which pre- 
vented their sailing to Ireland, would waft 
him over to the English coast. He therefore 
struck at the root of the evil, and whenever 
Eolus or Boreas withheld the supplies^ he 
took the outward-bound packet, and sailed 
over to Holyhead or Liverpool, to read the 
papers* 

But the Jermyn-street shoemaker was the 
most Jlnhhed martyr at the shrine of poli- 
tics. This infatuated man had for some 
years conducted a respectable and thriving 
business, and having paid that attention to 
his concerns which every man ought, he 
amassed considerable property. Feeling 
this, for who does not feel the importance 
•f wealth ? he began to relax in his atten- 



210 PLEASURES OF HUMAN LIFE. 

tion to the shop, and indulge his political 
propensities. Instead, therefore, of study- 
ing his own ledger, he looked more into the 
Public Ledger ; and instead of cutting out 
work for his journeymen, he was continually 
cutting out work for our generals and ad- 
mirals. It was easy to foresee that this 
would not end well, and the consequence 
justified the supposition ; for, in a few years, 
he lost his ally and became a cobler at last. 

Goldsmith records of Burke, that 

« Though born for the universe, he narrowM his mind. 
And to Party gave up what was meant for mankind.'* 

But here, the case was reversed, as 

Our political fop 
Gave up to mankind what was meant for the shop. 



( 211 ) 

AN 

ANALYTICAL AND EXPLICATORY 

INDEX ; 

OR 

DIRECTORY DISSERTATION 

( >=n ) 

ON THE 

CONTENTS. 

Page 
A Deprecatory Advertisement . . . . . ifi 
The Editor asserts that the Authors of the pre- 
sent work are more enveloped in secresy than 
the writers of Junius, or the " Pursuits of Lit- 
erature" iv 

Blockheads, folly, silly noddles ..... , v 
Fdols'Cajis^ with Dissertation ©n Humour, Wit, 

and Satire vi 

Ignorance, arrogance, and viciousness ; rod oHsl- 

tire, andy^a^/^^Ts of wit vii 

Embellishments, often the most essential parts 

of a book ix 

Illustrators, illustrated ; and self praise rep- 
robated ix 

Eye attractors : and designing artists x 

Fuseli ; and his flatterer .. . x 

Historical, and antiquarian prints, portraits, 8cc. . xii 
Elegant embellishments taken from art ... xiii 



1J13 I^NDEX, 

Page 
Masked batteries, blown up by laughing . . . xiii 
Terror, wonder and sorrow, laughed at . . , xiv 
Growlers, groaners and miserables X¥ 



OFFICIAL NOTICE, 

JEmbracing a variety xnftvitty^ weighty y and wise oft- 
servations, — Wit^ Free — Agency, and Synonym 
my, — Mrs. Piozzi and Dr. Trusler proved 
themselves true Old Women in writing on the 
latter subject 1 

Province and Purport of "the London Literary 
Society of Lusorists." 2 

Official tautology, or Many Words to little purfioae 2, 5 

Members of theL. L. S. L. : some Ladies, and 
why ? * . 4 

Plan of Meetings, Sec. The London, Liverpool, 
and Manchester learned Societies inferior to ours . 5 

Magnanimous schemes 6 

Report of Dr. Specific — with recipe for eradicat- 
ing Miseries , . 7, 8, 9 

Desultory Conversation — a characteristic of the 
Royal, London, and other scientific institutions . 9 

Miss Candid's remarks on the " Miseries'* . . 10 

Popular Dedications ; with a sugar plumb for Old 
Mck 11 

Absurdity of Dedications, with Dr. Johnson's re- 
marks on the same subject ...♦•., 12, 



INDEX 213 

Dedication. 

7(7 /^^ Respectable Booksellers ^c» 

' Page 

With some inuendoes on the practice of Dedica- 
tees— .Respectability, and Arrogance . . 13,14 
Publishers the true Mecsenasses of the present age 1 5 
The best jewel in the national diadem described . 16 
Dermodi/, Morland, Pasguin^ he. p?^sq\lm^d^d . . 17 
[The Bookseller's Duty 18] 



A PREFACE, or INTERLOCUTORY DIS- 
SERTATION \9 

Foggy weather and cheerfulness, with advice to 

all classes of travellers 19,20 

Cornelius Crabtree— great miseries, and a 

trap for carelessness 21 

Marmaluke Miserable^ with a specimen of groan- 
ing, growling, and ginimbling 22 

Nuisances of I>ife exemplified and contrasted . . 23 

A dose of true Philoso/ihy^ and hints from Mr. Fs 24 

Mental prescriptions . . 25 

Some wholesome advice, by Dr. Goldsmith . . 26 

Hume and Johnson, backed vi\\.\i "More Miseries" 27, 28 
U 



214 INDEX. 



DISSERTATION II. 

PLEASURES OF LITERATURE. 

Pagt 
^hihsophkally^ satiricallij^ and mentally consklered : 

with allusion to ?iu7nerous « literary works" . . 29 
Many l)ook-makers compared to Carpenters, 

Joiners, and Undertakers : with a vindication 

of wooden libraries ... - 31 

Some of the former not deserving of being critical- 
ly d n'd • . . 52 

Literature, an intellectual cordial 33 

Proved with reference to the many " Pleasures'* it 

has produced 34 

Sonnets sometimes mere jingling nonsence, and 

some poets proved to be nincompoops . , . 35 
Good books really valuable, and a good i:mn invalu- 

able 26 

This exemplified in the character of Mr. Placid 37 
His engaging qualities contrasted by those of Mr. 

Ego 38 

The latter a sort of literary bellwether . ... 39 
His propensity to romance, and modes of reading 

and crilicising plays, 8cc 40,41 

A reformer unreformed 42 

I by*t self I — v.'ith literary conversaziones . . 43 
Books of all sizes, sorts, and qualities .... 44 

Literary Taylors 45 

Tempting titles by divines, dramatists politicians, 

and philosophers ; a metaphysical wbler . . 4i 



INDEX. 315 

Page 
An apology for poor poets : and a soft word or two 

for Mr. Shee 47 

The scribbler's apology — for which we ought to 

have afiologized 48, 49, 5* 

The poet's drafts ; and poetical hobbies proved to 

be very restive beasts . . • 5 1 

A. Pope, though a poet, was no artist .... 52 

Great hooks-, and /z7^/<? books 53 

Antiquarian dissertations, very different to ours . 54 
A Meredian Review — i, e. one between the north- 
ern and western ♦ .... 55 

[a pagje that befies criticism.] 



DISSERTATION III. 

PLEASURES OF LITERATURE, 

Illustrated in Criticisms on Jlmanacks^ A eivsfiafiers ^ kfc. 



A critique on that popular work the Vox Stella- 
rum for 1 807 — a learned discourse on etymology 58 
*' The dead alive,'* ank a completely candid critic 59 
Specimens, and the profound observations of an 

old woman 60 

Dr. Moore's poetry and prognostications ... 61 

An April fool 62 

Awful warning 6S 

Fine prints, pretty prints, and curious prints , . 64 

Hobbies not calculated for exhibition . . . . 65 
Newspapers, with a list of all that are published 

in England ..,......*., €7 



SIS INDEX. 

Page 

These declared to be the principal regulators of 

Englishmen's dispositions 68 

An Evciiing Sun and people of fashion rise together 69 

Grecian and Roman newspapers much wanted . TO 

What they ought to contain 71 

•* Weep;ly iViEssENGER," and " The News" not 

afipr of mated to advertisements or to puffing • 72 
Generosity of lottery-office puffers — quack-doc- 
tors, money-lenders— and certain ladies ! / / . 73 

Goodnature of borough-hunters 74 

Ladies may have every beauty, grace, and accom- 
plishment-— for ready money .74 

Surperfluous hair removed ; and Mrs. Gripe's hu- 

7nanity 75 

fVanted — many things 7$ 

« The Way to get Married ;" or, <' Old fools the 

worst of Fools*' 77 

<' The Way to Wealth" 78 

Essence of nonsence 79 

A History of Newspapers . . 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85 

©r. Johnson's sentiments on these journals . , S6 



DISSERTATION IV. 

PLEASURES OF LITERATURE. 

Puffings Magazines, Revieivs, and Criticism, 

Terfcctibility wants intelligibihty 87 

A pufTer compared to an eagle, to a fox, &c. and 
a new invention defined ..,....-. $8 



INDEX. 217 

Page 
Varfetjr and titles of puffs, with their amazing im- 
provement of late . 89 

Bad articles require gilding ....... 90 

Hints to puff-writers 91 

How to pufF your own book, with a shocking ac- 
cident 92 

Wit, an eclipse, and immense wealth . . . 94, 6 
A poetical hand-bill . . »...,.. 96 
Magazines and reviews-, with some account of the 

Gentleman's Magazine . . : .... 97 
The present age tjiirty-nine times more happy 

than that of the year 1731 98 

Critical constables '99 

Athsu<isum^ and Annual Revieiv — and a list of maga- 
zines and reviews , . . . . 100, 101 102 

The critic*s province . . * » 103 

Pleasures of Vaccination 104^ 

The character of a work called " The Pleasures 

of Human Life" 105 

A few ready-made critiques, and recipes for re- 
viewing . 106, 1&7, 108, 109 

Directions to a Reviewer 110, 

A true critic, according to Dr. Johnson . . .111 

DISSERTATION V. 

PLEASURSS OF LAW, 

Mxjiounded with BRE YITY^ and discussed philosophically , 

The uses, and abuses of law . . - . . . H 3 
Swift calls it a 3o/row/^5«-/2eV .114 

U 3 



218 INDEX. 

Page 

Portrait of a 5*ooc? lawyer \IS 

One hundred thousand rats III 117 

Coke not given to joking, tho' special pleaders are 

pleas-ant fellows .... i .: ... 11§ 

Et cetera ; or, Sec. explained 120 

Legal factions, or lawyers, jokers and liars . .121 
Truth no libel ; bible and jest book compared . 122 
Special pleaders are men of 3n7//a72^ wit . . . 1!J3 

Students, and great wigs 125 

Professional bucks — a barber — pronunciation. — 
J Kerable defended, and 7ieiv readmgs^ with their 

/zre/^er interpretations 126, 127 

Mr. $arcasm*s similies ; or, law comparisons . , 129 
The evidence of BuTLER,PoMrRET,SwiFT5C. Dib- 

BiN, and Fielding upon law ceases 130, 131, 132. 



DISSERTATION VI. 

THE PLEASURES OF FASHION. ' 133 

DrujtiS) Routs, Masqueradesy Ofiera, Fashionable In- 

telligencey l!fc. 
Fashion compared to a tailor^ a leveller^z. monkey ^ 

Vi firoteiis^ Q. camfleon, he 133 

The Quakers, methodists, and fashionable folks not 

agreed upon this point — the latter much imitated 1 34 
Fashion-worshippers either knaves or fools . . 1 35 
Opposite opinions concerning fashion . . . .136 

"Ronts diud DvuvnSy diud emjity noise 137 

Crowds and mobs — synonymous, according to 

Lerd Chesterfield . 138. 



INDEX. 2i9 

Page 
Opera house, a place of discord ; or, songs out of 

tufie^ 2ind clowns out oi place 139 

Fashionable puffing ; with specimens 141,142, 14S 

Curiosities o{ past -times 144 

Female racers, compared to eels 145 

Fashionable people, neither proud nor arrogant 146 
Sometimes caught in their own trap . . • .147 



>^a 



DISSERTATION VII. 

PLEASURES OF FASHION, CONTINUED. 

Bad Habits ; Fools ; Genteel Sophistry^ isfc. 

Clowns and beaus exactly ahke 1 4f^ 

Docked coats : and the wise trick of an Italian fool ISO 
Adam, Eve, Thomas Dibdin, and a weathercock 1 5 1 
Bigotsof fashion, and common sense . . . .152 
The Rake defended, and dramatic rakes flogged 153 
Fashionable sophistry, or foHy and vice vindicat- 
ed .. i ........ . 154, 155 



DISSERTATION VIII. 

5-leasures or fashion, continued. 
A Beau of the First Order, and his Jpe, 1 57 
The genus and species of fops ..•.,. ib, 
A Bkau of the first style : his elegant eloquence ; 
engaging companion ; adventures ; and fasci- 
Bating arrogance ; his sensibility ; great attach- 
ment to— a dog, and want of gallantry to — a 
n.voinan 15§to 164 



220 INDEX. 

Page. 

Another fop ; or, second-rate coxcomb : his gen- 
ius, talents, and profound erudition ; with a dia- 
logue between Master Bobby and his moth- 
ef 165 to 16S 

Fashionable Vocabulary ; or, wew interpretations 
to old words . 170, 171 



DISSERTATION IX. 

PLEASURES OF FASHION, CONTINUED. 

JSallS) Jssemblies, Dancings the St. Vitus^ Family^ 
Wigs, Drivings Istc, 

HeelsdiWd heads, w'llh. the superiority of the former 1 73 
A ball-room is a rendezvous of jumpers . ; .174 

Contrasts, and Cockneys HIRE 175 

Market of Love — and Cupid's royal exchange . 176 
The St, Vitus' family like aspen leaves ♦ . .177" 
A bull's head, wig's and extinguishers . , . .178 

Disappointment: anew danc» 179 

The hot-bed of love — SiRd chapel of ease . . .180 
Driving; elevation; humility; and coachmen , 181 
Dexterity ; gaming ; with an apology for the latter 183 
A female shaking her elbow — Greeks . . . . 184 
The terms of ^ames/er and cheat synonymous . 185 
Consequences of gaming illustrated, in an ^c- 

count of a cf/f^raifi? J character • . 185,186,187 
T[fniversality of gaming ..... 6 . . 1«8 



INDEX. 221 
DISSERTATION X. 

PLEASITRES OF FASHION, CONCLUDED. 

Page 

Duelling .,..,:;. 189 

Point of honour, and muzzle of a pistol 5 . . ib. 

Hallowed spots ; and frivolovis causes of murders 1 90 
Splendid names are of great importance to uphold 

folly, or any absurdity 191 

Leaden bullets, are great levellers 192 

Pens and pistols, or a new road to the Literary 

Temple of fame 193 

A special plea, and a law report 194 

Laudable studies — for loungers 195 



DISSERTATION XL 

PLEASURES OF POLITICS, 

Pofiularly Exemfilijied. 
The family of Selfn : wtth an inuendo allusion to 

certain ministers and tyrants ...... 157 

Patriotism and politics, with the prevalence of the 

latter 199 

Coblcrs, Butchers, Poulterers, and other learned 

pot-house politicians defended . • , . . 20© 
Balsam of felicity, and punning pills .... 201 
Mr. Pitt proved to he very ignorant .... 203 
Cordial for low spirits, "and gagging acts" . . 204 
Desponding, and confident politicians .... 205 
Political friendship, and enmity . , , . . . 206 
Don Quixote, and political bee-hives . ^ . . 207 
The Iiish news-hunter — and Jermyn-btreet Shoe- 
maker ^. 20» 



{ 222 ) 



POSTCRIPT. 

INDEED, Mr. Critic, and so you have detected a 
grand error ; — A palpable imposition you say ? A trick) 
or take-in ; Well, well, scold av/ay — for as we have con- 
scientiously fulfilled id\ tht /iromises of our title-page, 
we are determined that your most fastidious cavillings 
shall neither disturb our domestic tranquillity, nor disfig- 
ure our cheerful countenances — -You say that Eleven do 
not constitute a Dozen ; and therefore you are abriged 
of OTze Dissertation. Please to count them again, and 
you will find dissertation xii. at the head of Con- 
tents, and between you and us, we are inclined to think 
tliat this will be as much read as any other portion of 
the present work. 

We had prepared several other Dissertations, or 
Essays, but forbear printing any more till we have as- 
certained the efiect of this volume ; for should the pre- 
ceding sentiments be disrehshed by the majority of 
readers, they, as well as the writers, will derive some 
consolation in reflecting, that instead of two, three, or 
four volumes, they have all their offending- ^' fdeasures** 
confined to one. Among the subjects descanted on in 
the unpublished dissertations, are those in the follow- 
ing list. 



( 223 ) 

Pleasttres of War ! ! 

The Drama. 

GETTiNG-MoNvy [wkhavindication of 

Placemen, Pen3lonei>, CoBtractors, 
Parsons, Lawyers, and Cmpirics.] 

Courtship and Matrimony contrast- 
ed with old Maidism, and Batch e- 
LORSHip, Cuckoldom, an i Crim. con. 

True Taste and False Taste. 

Paifting, PicTURic DEALING, and 

coLLECTiNcj, With nnv-wd} s to make 
eld Pictures, and old wavi to make 
nc'^o ones. 

KiGa Life, Low Life, and Mid- 

D.iNG Life. 

The NoN-NATURALS-^and Eating, 

Drinking, Sleepi .g, &c. 

. . , . , Popularity, Fame, and Notoriety, 
Ignorance, Affectation, and 
Dissipation. 

• i • . . Methodism, Infatuation, and Bi- 
OOTRY^ &c. &c. &c. 



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